Poison
by soundsobeautiful
Summary: Drink the poison lightly, cause there are deeper and darker things than you.
1. I'm Not The One

_**You're way too young to be broken.**__**  
><strong>_

A Smokey haze filled the room along with the smell of alcohol. You could hardly focus on anything, about as much as you could see through the dim light that mixed with the heavy smoke. The room was loud, the sound of music and peoples voices boomed around him as soon as he entered and he could tell it would be a long night. But he didn't mind. He lived for the whole party atmosphere. It was natural to him, as natural as faking a smile to people he hardly knew, exactly like he was doing in that moment. He was no stranger to this negative environment and he fed off of it. In his life, falling amidst the clouded stupor of substances was the best thing to do. All he wanted to do was forget. He wanted to forget everything. He could barely stand to wake in the morning without being intoxicated in some way. If he did he'd remember. Everything would come crashing down and the terror of his life would become real. So he spent his life forgetting. He lifted a cup from the table in front of him and placed it to his lips, feeling the liquid roll over his tongue and down his throat, setting a burn beneath his ears. He closed his eyes and let the feeling wash over him. In a matter of minutes he'd forget who he was.

* * *

><p>He sat in his car in the parking lot of the school, his head banging with the aftermath of the night before. But he didn't mind. He knew it would be gone soon. He reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out a zip lock bag filled with small white pills. Percocet to heal the pain, percocet to get him high. A little white pill to clear his brain. To make him forget. He wanted to forget. He opened the small bag and took one out, rolling it between his fingers. After a few seconds of the repeated action, he placed it in his mouth and began to chew. The bitter taste enveloped his tongue, sending a sick feeling over him as he swallowed it down and relaxed his head back against the seat. He closed his eyes as he gulped down the taste before he opened his eyes again. He looked down at the baggy in his hands, thinking for a moment before he pulled out another and repeated the process.<p>

He walked into class with his head hung. He felt as if he was floating, his head light and his mind foggy.

"Lovely of you to join us Mr. Goldsworthy." a voice spoke and he raised his eyes to the front of the class.

Ms. Dawes was looking at him with her hands on her hips, along with the rest of the class who had turned in their seats to see him walk in. He nodded but lowered his head once again as he trudged to his seat, falling into it ungracefully, knocking the ones around him. He heard a quite girl's voice scoff behind him but paid no attention as he crossed his arms on his desk and hid his face. He could feel it kicking in by the beating of his heart in his chest, heavy and fast. He closed his eyes, letting his mind get lost in the darkness of his thoughts as he dozed into an unwanted slumber.

Eli hated sleeping. When he slept, his thoughts had a mind of their own. They opened him to the memories he so desperately tried to escape, and made it impossible for him to keep from thinking. He saw her then. Her face flashed in his mind like a ghost. Her pale skin framed by her dark raven hair, coupled with her piercing green eyes. She smiled at him, something she hardly ever did and it set a chill down his spine.

_"Just one more…" she whispered, "one more to stop us from feeling… to stop everything."_

And then she began to decay in front of him, her beauty crumbling to the ground where her body now laid beneath.

He woke himself with a yell, his breaths falling heavy from his lips. His heart was pounding faster now than before and his body was covered in a sheet of sweat. On top of that, the entire class had paused to see the sight of him. He was shaking in his seat, his body trembling as he looked around frantically at the staring eyes. The room felt as if it was spinning yet every eye pierced him just as the girl in his dream had, watching him like an animal in a zoo.

"Mr. Goldsworthy?" Ms. Dawes spoke from the front of the class, but sounded as if she was a million miles away, "Are you alright?"

Eli nodded quickly, clenching his fist as he pushed himself up from his seat and felt his body wobble. His head felt lighter than before and he was punched with the sudden feeling of nausea in his gut, "I'm fine I just need to…"

"You don't look so good." someone cut him off, but it sounded as if it was spoken from underneath water. He felt his eyes become heavy, the room spun quickly and his knees buckled from beneath him before his body was pulled to the floor accompanied by a heavy darkness.

_**_**You're way too young to fall apart. **_ **_

**(It's a short start but there's so much in store for this story. I hope you guys enjoy it! Reviews would be lovely! :D)**


	2. I Can Do Anything

**_You're way too young to play these games._**

He woke in a daze. The light of the room he now laid in blinded him momentarily as he opened his eyes, blinking to adjust them. Where was he? He had no idea even as he pushed himself up and looked around. It took him a few moments to come back to reality before he realized he was in the nurse's office. The smell of sterilizer burned his nose but he welcomed it, as much as he welcomed being by himself. He found happiness in his solitude. As happy as he could feel, though that word had become foreign to him. He hadn't felt happy in a long time. No matter what substances he put in his body, he still never felt it. Even when he felt close, like maybe him finding happiness wasn't too far off base, he realized then that it was a false feeling and the feeling of desolation took over again. This false happiness was simply a feeling made up with a little help from his friends. Friends that altered his mindset and kept a permanent home in the glove box of his car, or drawers in his room, or the pocket of his coats. Anywhere he could get to it fast when the reality of his world felt like it was crashing down around him.

He pushed himself to the edge of the cot he was laying on and pressed his hands firmly to his eyes. His head was screaming at him, yelling for more. Yelling at him to heighten the high he'd become so accustomed to. And the only thought in his mind then was the one telling him to hurry back to his car. To hurry to his glove box. To swallow anything that would unhinge his feelings. He raised his head, looking around in the moment as he realized that soon he wouldn't be alone. Any minute now and the nurse would come in to check on him. He needed to get out before that happened. He couldn't have someone asking questions. He couldn't handle having to speak to someone about what had happened. He knew what had happened. Seeing the face of the girl he'd spent so long trying to keep hidden away had taken it's toll on him. Not to mention his lack of sleep and other normal routine things. He needed to get out fast. He took in a deep breath as he pushed himself up to his feet, noticing then that he was weak and his body quivered as it fought to hold him up, but failed miserably. He fell back onto the cot, and grunted in frustration as his fingers dug into the cushion beneath him. He pressed down firmly in attempt to push himself up again, but as soon as he started to do so there was a knock at the door. His head shot up into the direction it came from, eyes wide. He stayed quiet in hopes that they'd think he was still asleep and go away. But of course that wasn't so. The door pushed open and though he expected an older nurse on the other side, a girl appeared instead. She was young, about his age and undeniably beautiful. Her golden hair fell in curls around her face that framed pale skin which held the most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen. Striking blue eyes which he felt went right through him. He was left breathless for a moment as she looked back at him and a light blush covered her cheeks.

"Hi." she said quietly and blinked, but he sat unmoved, "You left your backpack in class."

She lifted the bag with her hand and he finally pulled his eyes from hers to look at it. He didn't say a word still as she stood there quietly, waiting for him to reply. After a few seconds of silence she became aware that he wasn't going to say anything and spoke again.

"Are you alright?" she asked hesitantly, hoping this time to get an answer.

He contemplated staying quiet, thinking that if he did so that she would just think he was weird and walk away. But something didn't allow him to do it. Maybe it was the way her eyes held him like hypnotism, or the fact that her seeming innocence intrigued him in a way that nothing had before.

"Yeah." he said coarsely, clearing his throat, "I'm fine."

She studied him for a moment before speaking again, "Why did you faint?"

"Uh… uh…" he tried to think of an excuse knowing that the truth would worry her and from past experience he knew it would make her ask more question. He hated questions, "Just exhaustion or something."

He decided now would be a good time to try standing again, and as he did this time he stayed on his feet. He took a step forward, realizing he'd regained his strength and grabbed his backpack from her.

"Thanks." he said sourly before he turned from and began his way to the door.

"Where are you doing?" she asked curiously, turning her body in his direction.

"I'm leaving." he said, pausing at the door.

"School?"

He nodded.

"You're not allowed to do that."

With a devious smirk, he tilted his head as he placed his hand on the door knob, "Watch me."

He pushed his way from the room, looking around him to make sure no one was around to keep him from leaving and then made his way out. The hallway was empty, the other students of Degrassi were in class at this time. He let out a sigh as he put his backpack over his shoulder and made his way to the exit. It wasn't until he had almost reached the exit doors that he realized someone was following him. He heard quiet footsteps a few feet behind him and contemplated speeding up, ditching whoever it was and then making a run for his hearse the moment he made it outside. But something made him to turned around and see who it was. One quick glance and he realized it was the girl from before, the one who had brought him his backpack.

"Are you following me?" he called out as he stopped and turned to face her. She stopped dead in her tracks, a blush taking over her face yet again.

"I… I uhm…" she stuttered her words and Eli raised his eyebrow.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" He began to walk again and as if like a magnetic movement, she began to follow again.

"Where are you going?" she asked, raising her voice slightly so he could hear her .He'd reached the door now and pushed it open, stopping to see that she was right on his heel.

"My car." was his simple reply.

There was a few seconds of silence before she spoke again, "Can I come?"

It caught Eli off guard. This girl standing before him didn't seem like the kind of girl who would ditch class. She was dressed proper, not showing too much skin and was far too sweet looking to be the kind to break rules. But the fact that she had asked caught his attention. Why was such a seemingly sweet girl so willing to leave school with a boy she didn't know at all?

"What, are you going to nark on me?" he asked and she shook her head, "Then why?"

She looked around at the empty hallway behind them before she turned back and spoke, "I need to get away."

That he understood.

_**But you better start.**_


	3. Don't Trust Me

**_This is when it starts _**

Eli had expected her reaction to his car to be worse than it was. Most people didn't drive hearses. Normal people didn't. But he wasn't normal, and he could tell she knew that. She didn't even seem to have a reaction to it, though he was sure she was hiding it. Most people hid their emotions when they were around him. He opened his door, ignoring that she was there and got behind the wheel, letting it slam shut behind him. It took a moment but soon she was in the passengers seat staring awkwardly out the window and he let out a sigh, wondering what on earth he was doing. This wasn't like him. He never let himself get involved with people, even an interaction as simple as this. Something happened then, an emotion he wasn't used to and it shook him to the core. He was frightened. Why had he let her come with him so easily? Though this feeling was new, it wasn't one he enjoyed. So the first thought that came to his head, was to make her frightened in return. He leaned over in front of her, opening the glove box and pulled out the zip lock bag. He didn't look at her, but he knew she was watching him. He opened the bag, pretending as if she wasn't there and took out one of the small white pills. Soon, her presence wouldn't bother him at all.

"What are you doing?" Her voice startled him and he shot his eyes over to her.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" His voice was cold and she shrunk back in the seat away from him as he sat the bag in his lap and then looked over to her.

"Do me a favor." he said softer now and she looked back at him with her arms crossed tightly over her chest, "Reach down beneath the seat. There's a bottle, could you grab it for me?"

"A bottle of what?" she asked but he didn't reply. She let out a sigh and did as he'd said, reaching down beneath the seat and pulled out a glass container. The amber liquid danced within the bottle as she held it out to him. She examined the words on the label and looked back over at him.

"Whiskey?" she asked in disbelief.

He merely nodded as he took it from her and opened it up. He tossed the small pill into his mouth and washed it down with the golden drink, not even wincing as the burn spread out through him.

He felt her eyes on him, suddenly aware that she was watching his every move and he looked back at her with a smirk.

"Want some?" he asked, holding the bottle out to her.

Her eyes widened and she shook her head, "What? Uhm... N- no thank you."

He let out a chuckle knowing that would be her response and took another sip.

"What's your name?" he asked and she swallowed hard.

"Clare."

Clare. It was a pretty name. Simple, which seemed to fit perfectly.

"Well Clare," he began, "Why exactly are you here if you're just going to sit there and watch me?"

She stayed quiet for a moment.

"I… don't really know. I was worried. You... You looked like you needed a friend. Or at least someone to talk to…"

Eli scoffed, "Why do you care? Does it look like I want friends? I like being alone."

Again, at the fierce sound of his voice, she shrunk back into the seat and her face fell.

Silence filled the car and he hoped in that moment that she would just leave, but as time trickled away she merely sat there, watching him as his hands clenched around the glass bottle. So he took another drink.

"What happened to you?" She asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had fell around them.

He glanced over at her, screwing the cap back on as he spoke, "What do you mean?"

"What happened to make you…" she paused for a moment, studying him for what his reaction may be, "…like this? Like you don't care. Completely... reckless."

He furrowed his brows as he looked out the window, "Nothing happened."

Silence again surrounded them, but the girl decided not to push any further. Eli, however, spoke again.

"I just know how to have fun is all… obviously you have no idea what that is."

Clare narrowed her eyes, "Oh, I know how to have fun."

He smirked now, turning his body in his seat to face her, "Really? Prove it then. Take a drink."

He held the bottle out to her and watched her eyes grow as she studied it. Minutes passed and Eli let out a heavy chuckle.

"I knew you wouldn't."

"Well how do you expect me to drink something from a stranger?" she asked, "I mean I don't even know your name."

He chuckled again, "What, do you think there's poison in it or something? I'm sitting here drinking it so obviously that's not the case."

"No. It's just… Really, what's your name? I've been in class with you the entire year and all Ms Dawes does is call you by your last."

"Why do you want to know my name so badly?"

She shrugged and he rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Let's make a deal. You take a sip of this," he shook the bottle, "And I'll tell you my name."

She looked at the bottle again and chewed on the corner of her lip. He could tell she was thinking about it and the smirk stayed dormant on his face as he shook the bottle again.

"Fine." She grabbed it from him and unscrewed the cap with her small fingers. He watched unbelieving as she took in a deep breath and brought the bottle to her lips. Her face scrunched up at the smell and she closed her eyes tightly as she tilted her head back and the liquid poured into her mouth. The moment it touched her tongue she winced and immediately spit it out. Though he should have been upset about the liquid now covering the dash of his car, he couldn't help but chuckle. She sat beside him, coughing up a fit and he continued to laugh uncontrollably as he grabbed the bottle from her.

"That's disgusting!" she choked out as she wiped at her mouth and cringed at the smell that now filled the car.

"It's not that bad." he spoke before taking another sip and watched as she continued cough lightly. It took a few moments for her to regain her composure but she continued to wince as she tried to clear the taste from her mouth.

"How can you drink that?" she asked in disbelief, wiping her lips once more.

"Guess I'm just used to it."

She stuck out her tongue and shook her head frantically.

"I couldn't imagine being used to that."

Eli laughed and took another drink, feeling the effects of it slip over him. He was warm now and in a considerably better mood than he had been minutes before.

"So what's your name?" she asked, breathing heavy and he could tell she was still suffering from the smell.

"I'm not telling you, that didn't even count. You spit it all over my car!"

"Hey!" She whined, "I did not! That's not fair at all! I did what you asked, now either you tell me your name or I'll march back into that school and tell Mr. Simpson that a boy in a hearse is drinking alcohol on campus. I'm sure it won't be hard to narrow down." She crossed her arms over her chest now, watching as he glowered back at her.

"It's Eli."

She smiled now, triumphant in her victory, "Eli. That's a nice name."

"Whatever," he spoke sourly, furious that she'd use his actions against him so easily, "You should leave now."

Her face fell and she loosed her arms from over her chest, "What? I… I don't want to…"

"What are you doing here?" his voice was raised now and he looked hard at her, "You want to know what happened to me right? What, do I seem like some sort of charity case to you?"

Her eyes widened, "No, no that's not it at all! It's just-"

"Then I'll tell you what," he began, cutting her off, "If you really want to know what's wrong with me… if you really want to know why I'm as fucked up as I am…"

She watched him intently, waiting for his terms with wide eyes and open ears.

"Then down the rest of this bottle. Finish it and I'll tell you my fucked up story that's made me so... reckless as you say."

She looked at the bottle, it was two thirds of the way gone and she knew it was far more than she could handle.

"But keep in mind," he began feeling the need to frighten her now more than ever, "that since you seem to be the type that's never drank before, that this will affect you. Your mind will become fuzzy and you'll lose control of your actions. You won't be thinking for yourself anymore. You seem like the type of person who prides yourself on thinking. Wouldn't want to upset your parents of course so you'd try to keep your composure. But that won't be as easy as you think it is. You'll lose your balance. Soon you'll say something you didn't mean to say or do something you didn't mean to do. You'll lose control. Are you willing to let yourself lose control?"

**_From the beating of your heart ._**


	4. Still Around

_**Jumping off of the edge, oversleeping your head**_

Eli laid in his bed angry, staring at the ceiling. His mind was racing with no thought at all, but somehow he couldn't seem to clear his head. The moment he'd spoken the words to the girl in his car, she had ran away. He had known she would. But it shouldn't have bothered him. He wanted her to get frightened and leave. He wanted her to go… right? Though he so badly wanted her to get away from him, part of him was upset over the fact that she'd left.

"_You have this expectation of me…" she had said, "You think I'm this good girl who doesn't want to do anything wrong. You think I don't know how to have fun and that I'm afraid. That I always follow the rules, right? Well you're wrong."_

"_Then_ _prove it." he had said, still holding the bottle for her to take. He had watched her as she stared at it for a few seconds and then without a word she pushed the door open and hurried from the car. He watched her in the rear view mirror with heavy eyes as she ran away and didn't look back._

His body was buzzing, feeling as if an electric current raced through his veins, keeping him alert to his thoughts, his actions. But though his body buzzed, he felt physically and emotionally exhausted. He laid there like lead, unable to move though he mentally screamed at himself to do so. _Keep you eyes open._ He thought as he blinked away the aching feeling in them. _Stay awake._ He tried to do so desperately, clenching his fists at his side. He wanted to move, to get up and leave. To do anything that would keep him from drifting asleep but it seemed impossible. And in the battle of his body and mind, his body won.

"_We've got to do something..."_ _he heard a familiar voice whisper. _

_That night when he'd arrived home his parents watched his every move, just as always. He realized his actions hadn't gone unnoticed but no one understood. No one knew what he was going through. He was broken now. The kind of broken you couldn't just fix with band-aids or super glue. His life had fallen into pieces and there was no way to pick up the parts. There was no way to put him back together when the biggest piece of him had been buried a year ago beneath the ground with the only person he knew he'd ever love. He was like a nursery rhyme now. He'd spent his entire life sitting on the wall, the good kid who always played it safe… and then he fell. The great fall that had shattered him. All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put Eli back together again. He was but a collection of broken pieces. Shards of his previous life mixed in with pieces he didn't recognize and missing pieces he knew to be most important that he'd never find again. He wasn't Eli anymore. He hadn't been in a long time._

"_I know…" he heard another voice speak, this one belonging to his mom, "He just needs some rest. He hasn't slept in such a long time…" Her voice was tired, withered from the time spent worrying about her only son._

"…_not since Julia."_

_Eli winced at the sound of the girls name. Even the syllables of it sent a pain through his chest like a burning hot knife._

"_How are we supposed to get him to sleep?" his fathers voice spoke now, "He spends most of his time trying not to."_

"_I've got it covered. I crushed up some of your sleeping pills and put it in his drink at dinner tonight. He'll be asleep in a matter of moments."_

_He'd felt such fury when he'd heard her words. How could she have done something so conniving to her only son? Didn't she love him? Of course she didn't. No one did. He was alone and had been for a very long time. But he already knew that. He'd felt the side effects of the sleeping pills only moments after, nailing him to his bed. His body was heavy and unable to move and before he knew it he had slipped under, falling fast into a heavy sleep._

_And then there she was again, like she always was. At first he thought he'd enjoy sleeping, it was the only time she was there, but he never did.  
><em>_She stood before him delicately, her dark hair blowing around as if it was dancing with the wind. She was effortlessly beautiful, and she'd always been like that. Without even trying she'd captured him, branding his heart as her own from the moment his name left her lips. He knew the first time that he'd met her that he would be hers forever. She'd changed him, altering him in a way he didn't know was possible. But she was gone now, and without her the change was anything but good._

"_Eli…." her voice whispered and his heart shook in her chest. It was chilling, "…Eli."_

_He listened to her speak his name, savoring the sound. He tried to reply, to call out to her to let her know he was there but he couldn't. It was as if he was muted._

_She continued to whisper his name, and he continued to try and reply but no matter how loud he would yell, nothing came out._

_She spoke his name a final time, but this time it was wrong. She wasn't whispering it softly, she was yelling for him._

"_Save me." _

_She said the words calmly but they echoed around him. Her eyes piercing him like ice and as her mouth parted to say the words, blood began to spill from her lips like a scarlet waterfall._

He woke up gasping for air, fighting to breathe as he looked frantically around his room. He could feel his blood coursing fast through his veins as his heart ricocheted violently inside his chest trying to break free. His hands were clutching the sheets beneath him and he fought back the urge to yell. He wanted to scream out his frustration. But instead he pushed himself from his bed, grabbed his jacket and left.

_**Everything's turning dark to you. **  
><em>


	5. House Party

**_Drink the poison _****_lightly_**

"Eli…? Where are you going?" His mom called out in a worried tone as he made his way to the door, but he took no mind to it as he opened it up and slammed it shut behind him.

It was dark outside and the cold air hit his body instantly, sending goosebumps over his skin as he pulled his jacket on as he stepped away from his door and walked to his car. He could see his breath leave his mouth in a cloud as he placed his hand to the handle of the door and opened it up. As he sat down to start it he found that his keys were missing. Fury filled him as he realized then that his dad must have taken them. He contemplated going back inside, yelling at his parents for meddling with life but decided against it. He didn't have time for that. The longer he waited, the more time it gave his mind to think and that was the last thing he wanted to do. If he went inside now he'd let his rage take over and there was no telling what he'd say, what they'd say and what would be brought up. Letting out a heavy sigh , he relaxed his head back against the seat feeling defeated. He leaned over and opened the glove box going to pull out his bag of pills but found they it was missing as well. His mouth fell open slightly and he felt panic as he reached down beneath the seat, searching desperately for the bottle that wasn't there. His heart rate quickened and he clenched his fists.

"Damnit!" He yelled out, tightening his jaw as he slammed his hands down on the steering wheel. He tried to calm himself, to keep his rage down and then pushed himself from the car, deciding to take to the feet hit the concrete hard as he hurried down the sidewalk. He didn't have a set destination, but his feet kept moving, pulling him where deep down in his mind he knew that he would go. It was the one place he went when he needed to get away from himself. He held his fists tight at his side as he walked, keeping his head down. It was then, as the headlights from the cars on the street flashed past him that her face surfaced in his mind again. His hands began to shake and he clenched his jaw harder, trying to push the imagine from his head but it was no use. Visions of her passed through his mind. The sound of her laughter. Her quiet moans of ecstasy. Her voice shrieking at him angrily. Her constant sniffing. The sound of her heart racing in her chest seconds after she swallowed one of her colorful pills. Eli had never touched those things before Julia's death, but now he welcomed them. He wanted to get away from her memory, but he never could no matter how hard he tried. She was always there in his mind, whispering his name. Driving him crazy. Crazier than he was sure he already was.

His head began to pound fiercely and he brought his hands to his face, holding it as he continued to move. He needed something to tell him it was okay not to think. He needed to mute his mind.

"Shut up!" He groaned loudly, talking to no one at all, begging for some peace.

Just then, he heard the sound of bells ring as a door belonging to building not far behind him opened and he heard his name called out.

"Eli?" the familiar voice chimed and he stopped on the spot. His fist still clenched at his sides, he turned around slowly to see the girl who had accompanied him in his car earlier that day. Her face seemed worried and for some reason that bothered him.

"What?" He asked dryly as his eyes narrowed to a slight glare.

Clare furrowed in a worried way as her head tilted to the side, "….W-who were you talking to?"

Her voice shook slightly as if she was hesitant to ask and Eli's face softened.

"What? Oh, no one. Just, whatever."

He turned his back to her and continued to walk but heard her foot steps following.

"Really?" he asked as he stopped again and turned back, causing her to halt in her tracks, "Again with the following?"

She pouted and held her purse tight to her body, chewing on the corner of her lip, "Where are you going?"

Eli rolled his eyes, this all seemed far too familiar, "Nowhere."

"Well can I come?" She asked and Eli shook his head.

"You don't want to go where I'm going."

"How do you know?"

He chuckled, "Just trust me."

They stood silently for a moment, not a word said and Eli began to turn before Clare spoke again.

"Please?"

He stopped and eyed her up and down one quick time, "Why?"

"Because if I let you go alone now and something happens, I would never forgive myself."

Her honesty intrigued Eli. Here she was, this sweet girl who appeared so innocent and yet she seemed to be drawn to him, he who was anything but sweet and innocent at all. It was strange to him, how she was so quick to trust and go with him somewhere he'd told her she wouldn't like to be. The fact that she was so willing to do so, made him curious and his curiosity got the best of him.

"Fine." his agreement caught her off guard and his smile turned devious, "You can come with me."

* * *

><p>The small house was dark, but anything but quiet. Speakers blasted around them the moment they stepped foot through the front door. Eli had been there many times in his life so he'd grown used to the smell that perturbed from it. The heavy smell of alcohol swarmed around them mixed with the sent of other substance Clare was sure weren't legal. She scrunched up her nose as she stayed close behind him, trying not to lose him in the slew of people that filled the confinements of the small building.<p>

"Who's house is this?" she asked, speaking loudly to his back as they made their way into the living room.

Eli looked around, his eyes alert to their surroundings as he spoke, "Just some friends."

"All of these people are your friends?" Clare asked incredulously as they pushed past many random strangers.

He smirked and let out a soft chuckle, "…sure."

His eyes scanned the dim house, noticing the thick smoke that filled the air and then saw a familiar face sitting on the couch. His eyes caught with the person and he hurried to him, forgetting completely that Clare was still on his tail.

"Hey man." the guys voice spoke coarsely as he raised his hand and sat it on Eli's shoulder as he sat down on the shotty couch. Clare stood idly by, looking down at Eli before her eyes trailed around the room. It was full of people who weren't in their right mind. She wasn't sure any of them had the ability to think at all. Music blasted from the stereo so loudly she found it hard to think straight herself and she crossed her arms over her chest trying to hide her uncomfortableness. Bottles and cups decorated nearly ever surface of the room, yet no one seemed to mind which belonged to who. It didn't matter who's was who's here. There were containers and bags of pills being passed around. No labels, no names. Nothing to identify what they were or who they belonged to. They were tossed around like candy and even this made Clare feel out of place. She'd had a hunch before they even arrived what kind of place it would be, she just hadn't expected it to be so much at once. She could feel panic building inside of her, but she tried hard not to show her fear as her eyes continued to wander around the room.

"Want some?" the boy sitting from beside Eli asked as he held out a pipe and Eli took it eagerly in his hands. Clare looked down and her brows furrowed as she watched him place his lips to the pipe, lit it and then inhaled the smoke. She tried not to let watching him do it bother her and looked away.

"Who's the chick?" The guy sitting beside Eli asked as he slowly blew out the smoke, finding salvage in the fact that soon his head would be cleared from 's eyes drifted up to Clare's catching them for a brief moment.

"A friend." He said before placing the pipe back to his lips.

Clare felt her heart flutter slightly at the mention of her being a friend and she looked to the boy beside him. He wasn't much older than her or Eli, but looked rougher to her somehow. His face was dark as if he hadn't shaved in days and his blonde hair was dirty. He looked dirty to her. He looked Clare up and down with blood shot eyes and a chill fell over her skin as her discomfort grew.

"Hey there babe," he spoke, his eyes still on her body, "I've got a seat right here if you wanna sit down."

He tapped his leg with his hand and Eli's eyes shot to him quickly, a glare dominant in them.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He snarled and the blonde boy flinched slightly.

"I was just playin' man." he said and Eli's expression softened.

"Just scoot over so she can sit down."

As soon as he spoke the words, they scooted until there was enough room beside Eli for Clare to sit.

He wasn't sure why he'd snapped at the him like that. This girl meant nothing to him. She was just a curious person who seemed to clutch onto Eli like he was something worth clutching onto. But he didn't like the feeling he got when the boy had spoken to her as he had. It was a foreign feeling, one he hadn't felt in a long time but the second he'd seem him tap his leg he had to fight back the urge to punch him in the face. He looked over to Clare who hesitated before she sat and then crossed her arms over her chest. He licked his lips quickly and then smirked as he watched her sink into the couch cushion with an uneasy look on her face.

"I told you." he spoke loud enough over the music so she could hear his words.

Her eyes moved to his and she shook her head, "What? I'm fine."

He chuckled, "The girl who couldn't even take a sip of whiskey is fine in this environment?"

She nodded.

'What's your deal?" he asked, still holding the pipe and lighter in his hand, desperately wanting more.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're cute Clare," he began and she tried to fight back a smile that tugged at her lips, "But you don't belong here. Why'd you come?"

"Who says I can't belong here?" She asked feeling slightly hurt.

"Why would you want to?"

She didn't reply, but looked down at her lap as he again raised the pipe to his face. Her eyes looked back at him and this time she watched intently as he placed the end of it to his lips. His fingers held the end and she studied as he lit the lighter and brought it to the pipe. As he inhaled and she couldn't help be notice how even here, in the simplest of acts, he looked strikingly attractive. She watched while inhaled as deep as he could and moved the pipe away, holding the smoke in before he slowly let it out.

Eli noticed her curious eyes and smirked as he held it out to her, "Wanna try?"

Clare's eyes widened, "What?"

"You heard me, take it. Go ahead."

"No... no way."

A low laugh left his lips, "Didn't think so."

She sighed, feeling annoyed by his constant accusations.

"When are you going to stop acting like you know what kind of person I am?"

Her small outburst caught Eli off guard. He looked at her, cocked his eyebrow and held the pipe out again, "Maybe when you do something to actually prove me wrong."

She didn't want to do it, not at first. But something in her begged to prove that she was anything but the sweet, fragile girl he thought of her as. So, after a few minutes of glaring at the glass pipe in his hands she took it and he widened his eyes.

"You're really going to do it?" He asked in disbelief and she nodded, taking in a deep breath.

"Hurry up and tell me how before I change my mind."

He explained to her then the mechanics of it. _Hold the hole at the end, place your lips to the hole at the top, light the bowl and inhale. _He held the lighter for her as her heart beat fastened and she placed her lips to it trying desperately not to change her mind. She'd never in her life done anything like this before. She could feel the eyes of people in the room watching her and again she looked around. To her, it felt as I things were happening in slow motion. She saw a couple making out against the wall across the room. Girls in the corner sifted through a bag of colorful pills. Light reflecting off of random bottles that moved around the dark room, held by hands of the people who consumed them. And there she sat, the glass pipe to her lips as Eli flicked the lighter, causing the flame to come from it. It danced around with the air as he moved it to her and she swallowed quickly as he placed it to the bowl. The substance in the bowl caught fire, lighting to a bright orange and she watched it with interested eyes.

"Inhale Clare." Eli's voice spoke softly in almost a whisper from beside her and she did as he said.

She took in a deep breath and the moment the smoke hit her throat she regretted it. It was warm, and the taste to her was vomit inducing. It felt rough and hot and almost instantly she pulled the pipe from her mouth and began to cough. A gust of smoke left her lips as she filled the room with wheezes and coughs. She was happy in that moment that the music was so loud, canceling out the chance that eyes would seek her.

"You alright?" Eli laughed from beside her and she shook her head, continued to cough for the chance to clear her throat.

"That was terrible!" She shrieked and Eli couldn't do anything other than laugh.

"I knew you couldn't handle it." He said as he reached out to take the glass pipe from her hand, but she kept him from doing so as she pulled it back and he raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" he asked, watching her bring it back to her mouth.

"I want to do it again."

At her words, a wide smirk spread across his face as he lifted the lighter and lit it once more.


	6. Déjà Vu

_**You know you're way too young **_

For reason's unknown, Eli felt unnerved seeing the girl beside him in the moment. She giggled, uncontrollably for what seemed like forever as she fell back into the couch like she was melting against it. They'd passed the pipe back and forth a few times before it was handed off to someone else and lost in the abyss of the room around them. Clare, like him, had lost her ability to think. Without hesitation she'd grabbed a cup from the table in front of them and gulped the liquid from inside of it.

"What are you doing?" Eli asked incredulously as he watched her set the cup back down and lick her lips.

"Drinking, what does it look like?" she asked and another soft giggle left her mouth.

"Do you have any idea what's even in that cup?" he asked. Eli had grown a tolerance for the life he lived, but for this fragile girl beside him he knew that it was all new.

Clare shook her head, bringing her fingers to her lips, "It tastes like Pepsi."

Eli picked up the cup and sniffed it, trying not to laugh.

"Well that's probably half of what was in there."

Her eyes widened, "I'm not going to die am I?"

She asked the question and as soon as she did Eli laughed, "No, you're not going to die. But in a few minutes you may feel even better than you already do."

"Good." she sighed softly and smiled as she fell back into the couch again. Her body relaxed and she closed her eyes, resting her head back. But after a second she opened them again. The few lights in the room played off the smoke that hung in the air. The music continued to play loudly but it didn't bother her now as it had before. She started to think about how she'd felt when they'd first arrived, worried and slightly frightened. But now she felt anything but that. She actually felt more amused now than anything.

Eli sat back beside her and watched her as she watched the room. He couldn't deny it even now more than before how beautiful she was to him. Her hair fell messily in soft curls around her face which was dominant with a smile. A smile that, though he'd tried to ignore it, had been hard to forget the entire day. And her eyes. Though now they were slightly red, they were still the most brilliant blue eyes he'd ever seen. He continued to watch her as she looked back to him and placed her hand on his leg. The moment she'd done this, his heart began to beat faster and to this action, he felt panic.

"I need a drink." he said and pushed himself up from the couch, leaving her there as he left the room for the kitchen. The counter was covered in bottles of different shapes, colors and sizes. He grabbed the first one he could find, a familiar color green and picked it up. Unscrewing the cap, he placed it to his mouth and sipped the liquid substance. It was sweet and warm, filling him in the familiar way. He enjoyed the feelings he found in alcohol. Warmth, defined. Solitude. He felt more like himself when he was drunk than he did when he wasn't and though it should have worried him, it made him feel at ease. He let the drink slip down his throat, swallowing more before he turned from the kitchen to head back to the couch where he'd left. The moment he stepped back into the room, anger filled him. Clare sat on the couch, now in the spot that he had once occupied, with her head draped against the blonde boy he'd previously snarled at for hitting on her. His jaw clenched as he watched the boy wrap his arm around her, pulling her body closer to his and she merely giggled as she unknowingly obliged. It was then, as he saw the boy hand something small to Clare that he tore across the room to the spot quickly.

"Get away from him." Eli demanded and Clare's head shot up quickly.

"Oh hey!" She chimed as if she had never been happier to see him and held a small pill up, "Look what Cody gave me! It's purple, my favorite color. Pretty, right?"

"Cody?" he scoffed, "First name basis, huh?"

His eyes moved to the boy who simply looked at him with a blank face.

"Let me have it." he said, holding his hand out to Clare but she frowned.

"No, it's mine."

"Clare, seriously. Give it to me."

Her mind raced, he could tell she was thinking and he knew she was contemplating on whether or not to do as he said or to place the small purple pill in her mouth. He shook his head, and she unwillingly placed it in his hand. He looked down at the pill and growled.

"Morphine dude?" He asked in disbelief, "You give a girl who's never even smoked pot before Morphine?"

The boy named Cody laughed, "There's always a first time for everything bro."

Eli grabbed Clare's arms and yanked her from the couch roughly.

"Hey!" She yelled but he ignored it as he death glared at the boy.

"Her first time doesn't belong to you. Keep your shit to yourself or you'll have to wire your jaw shut and sip your pills through a straw."

With those words he turned and pulled Clare with him.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"We're leaving, you're going home."

Those words sent her into a panic.

"Eli, I can't go home," She spoke in terror as they exited the house and he pulled her to the sidewalk, "If I show up like this then my parents will kill me."

"Well then you'd better sober up quickly."

She yanked back, stopping him from walking as she pulled her arm away and turned back to her standing her ground angrily.

"Why are you being like this?" she asked with a let out a sigh, the bottle he'd picked up moments before was still in his hand and he wanted nothing more than to just drink it and walk away. Who was she to him anyways? Some random girl who had followed him at school. A random girl who had followed him now. She was a stranger to him, no one. Nothing. Everyone was a stranger to him and he much preferred it that way.

"This is not who I am." He said, "I don't watch over girls at parties and keep them from getting raped by some piece of shit."

Clare's eyes widened, "That boy… he was…?"

"If not him then any other guy in that place would have gladly done the job."

Suddenly Clare felt sick, and Eli watched as the color drained from her face.

"The point is, I don't care. You can have this stupid little pill." He held out the purple pill that he'd kept in his hand and she slowly took it from him, rolling it between her fingers, "I don't care. I don't care about you. Tomorrow I'll see you at school and I won't even acknowledge your existence."

The look on her face was painful as she lowered her head. He could tell his words had hurt her feelings but he didn't want to care. It wasn't until she looked back up at him with watery eyes that he felt a pang in his gut.

"You don't care. No one cares. Well then, screw it." The words came from her mouth but they sounded wrong. She lifted the pill and before he could stop her she placed it to her tongue, closed her mouth and began to chew.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?" He asked, watching as she swallowed hard and her face grimaced.

The tears were still in her eyes but she smiled then and shrugged, "Why do you care? I'm nothing, remember?"

He watched as she turned and began to walk in the opposite direction. Part of him wanted to walk away, to leave it be and not even think twice about this girl who had came into his life unwanted and affected him though he had no want to be affected even in such a short amount of time. He watched as she strutted away and he knew then that if he let her go and something happened to her, that it would mess him up worse than he already was. He wasn't willing to have two deaths on his conscience, so he followed after as fast as he could back into the house.

* * *

><p>Eli felt the weight of the night come down crashing down on him. His head raged in a way it never had before from the mixture of what he'd done and the stress it brought upon him. His stomach ached, screaming at him and paying him back for everything up until this moment and for the first time in almost a year he wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep for days. A heavy dead like sleep to recover for his mistakes. But he knew that he couldn't. He tilted his head to the side then as he heard a small sigh come from the seat beside him. Clare was curled up against the door beneath his jacket in a heavy slumber that Eli was sure she wouldn't wake from soon. When they'd went back into that house that night Clare had acted as if she was on a mission. She'd yelled at him for the way he was acting and it caught him off guard. He barely knew this girl and she had yelled at him. He had tried to get her to leave but her only reply was, "You're not the boss of me! What is your deal? You just said I don't matter. I'm nothing to you but aren't I acting exactly as you had assumed I wouldn't? I proved you wrong. What's your problem?"<p>

But he couldn't think of a reply. He wasn't sure why it had bothered him seeing her smoke, or sip from the cups that decorated the room. He just couldn't seem to stomach watching the way these things turned her personality. He watched as the affects of the morphine pill took over her and she became dizzily high. More sooner than later he was carrying her out of the house as she muttered about how good she felt. She was too unconscious to tell him her address so he took her to his house instead.

And there they say in Morty as they had done since he'd brought her there. He'd seen the sun rise as he continued to sip from another bottle he'd taken from the house, numbing his mind as he usually did.

But it couldn't numb out everything. No matter how hard he tried not to think about it, his mind couldn't stop thinking about how much it bothered him to see this girl he hardly knew act out in the way that she had. He was used to it, seeing girls drink and get high. It was a regular thing in his life, yet this one does it and his emotions are thrown. And though she hardly knew him she acted as if she did, as if they were meant to be a part of each others lives. But he didn't want her, he didn't want anyone. The moment he'd lost Julia he knew that he'd never want to let anyone into his life again.

He let out a heavy sigh as he continued to watch Clare, wrapped in his jacket sleeping peacefully. He wondered what it was like to do so, he hadn't been able to in such a long. But what hit him even worse, was the thought of how Julia had once sat in that very spot wearing that very same jacket.

_She had come over with tears in her eyes. She'd found her cat dead that morning, and as silly as it seemed for her to be crying, the cat meant more to her than her own family and Eli understood that. She'd never gotten along with her family, she never actually got along with people in general other than him._

_"It's terrifying how fragile life is…" she said, wiping a tear from her cheek, "Any minute and we could be dead."_

_"I'm never going to die." Eli spoke the words as he stared out the windshield, watching as rain drops hit the glass and slid down._

_Julia turned her face to his, confusion in her eyes, "What?"_

_"Dying," he began and looked back at her, "I'm never going to do it. It sounds stupid, pointless even. So I'm just not going to."_

_She hesitated but let out a soft chuckle, "Everyone dies Eli."_

_"Not me."_

_She watched him with careful eyes, realizing that he was completely serious in this decision."Okay, you're not going to die then."_

_He nodded once before his eyes began to smolder and he took her hand in his own, "Don't die either. Live with me forever."_

_"Forever?" she began and her lip tugged up into a smile, "Why would I ever want to do that? I don't want to live forever. Where's the fun in that? There'd be no rush, no adrenaline about anything. If you lived forever there'd be no fear of the end, thus making everything more pointless than it already is. There's nothing for me here. Plus we spend most of our lives trying to forget this shitty world Eli, why would I want to be here forever when I spend half of my time wishing that I wasn't at all?"_

_Her words stung Eli and he lowered his head, biting back words he knew would only start a fight. He didn't want to fight with her, not when they were finally having a moment without it for the first time in a while. So instead, he looked back at her and his face held a small smile._

_"Stay alive with me forever Juls." he said simply and she looked at him emotionless for a second before she too smiled in return._

_"Okay. We'll live forever."_

"You lied." Eli pulled himself back from the memory with a whisper, hating himself for even allowing his mind to go back there. He bit back tears that fought to fall from his eyes but found the ability to keep from doing so when he heard Clare stir from beside him.

"What?" she asked groggily with a yawn as she began to push herself up. It took her a few seconds but she quickly came back to reality and realized what was happening.

"Oh my god, where am I?" She looked up at Eli, her eyes wild with fear and she quickly sat up, "What's going on?"

"Think about it Clare." he said simply, releasing his hard grip on the steering wheel.

She did as he said and looked down as the memories of the previous night flashed in her mind.

"I have to get home. I'm going to be in so much trouble." She groaned as she pushed his jacket from her body and fought to find the door handle.

Eli merely shook his head, "You'll be fine. Do you have a friend who you could tell your parents you stayed with? Call them and tell them you need them to cover for you. As far as your parents will know, you'll have been there with your friend the whole night. I'm guessing a girl like you, your parents would believe you."

"Again with the stereotyping…" she glared, "Why is it so hard-"

"Do you want my help or not?" he cut her off with his words and her face fell as she realized that his help, no matter how judgmental he was, was better than nothing.

"You're good at this." She spoke.

"It comes from experience."

"Oh you mean you actually have friends?" she raised an eyebrow at him, feeling content in the fact that she was allowed to be judgmental towards him in return.

"Just one." he said then and she noticed his expression turned cold.

Clare crossed her arms over her chest then, tilting her head to the side, "You mean you didn't scare them away with your dark, death loving exterior?"

"No, she died."

Clare felt her heart drop and instantly felt terror for her actions, "I'm so sorry… I didn't know…"

"Go home before your parents worry Clare."

"Right, it's Saturday… I thought we'd be going to school."

"Come on, you weren't that trashed," he chuckled.

Clare "Would you mind taking me?"

"Can't, no keys."

Clare could tell then that he was acting cold to her. He didn't want to let her in and for some reason it upset her. She'd thought after the previous night that something would change, but here they were with no progress at all. Instead of replying, she opened the door and pushed herself from the car and Eli watched with a heavy weight on him as she again walked away yet again.


	7. My First Kiss

Eli didn't see Clare at all that weekend. In fact, he hadn't taken time to see anyone at all. Instead, he took a bottle of liquor from his parents cabinet and shut himself away in his room the entire time. He spent those days getting as drunk as he possibly could, blocking any thought from his mind that tried to make it's way in. The moment any hint of a memory or unwanted thought tried to infiltrate his head, he drank more and washed it away with the warmth. He had drank so much that eventually he made himself sick, but even then he didn't care. He merely cleaned up the mess and began all over again. Half the time the floor was his faces best friends as he laid against it, reminding himself to breathe. In and out, deep and slow. He'd forgotten to do so once and he choked and coughed as his lungs sucked desperately for oxygen.

Sunday night he managed to fall into a deep sleep, unharmed from any haunted thought or memory. In this sleep he found solitude, a solitude he'd forgotten existed. Monday morning he laid in his bed, unable to move with his foggy mind and tired body. He felt as if he'd slept for days, pushed into the feeling of having overslept and again he mentally kicked himself as he laid immobile. Keeping his eyes closed, he moved his fingers at his sides and contemplated on whether or not it would be safe to go back under but too fearful of what his dreams might bring, he stayed awake. In the moment he heard a click as his bedroom door was unlocked from the other side. He wanted to open his eyes, but instead he kept them closed as the door pushed open. A feminine sigh filled the room and he knew then that it was his mom. Part of him wanted to get up and yell at her, to make her leave his room and feel terrible so she'd want to stay away. But the other part told him to stay still, to fake sleep because no confrontation at all was better than letting one get out of hand. It wasn't rare for him to make his mom cry. He had done it many times before, whether from yelling at her or from her seeing the way his life was spinning out of control. Direct or not, in his opinion she had shed far too many tears for him that weren't needed to be shed at all.

He kept his eyes closed, hoping she hadn't seen them shutter as he listened to her move closer. He listened to the sounds she made as she moved around his room. Lifting dirty clothes, tidying up his room which he wasn't sure could be tidied at all. And then he heard her sigh again and the sound of the empty bottle being picked up filled his mind. He wasn't sure but he thought he'd heard her sniff back tears before she leaned down and he felt her lips press softly to his forehead.

"Love you baby boy." she whispered as she pulled back and then in seconds she'd left the room.

His eyes flashed open and he stared at his ceiling for what he thought had to be an hour, at least to him it had felt that long. Finally, he found the strength to push himself from bed and began to get ready for school.

* * *

><p>He felt like shit. As simple as that. He felt as if he'd been kicked a million times without any sort of break in between. His head pounded, his stomach churned, his body ached and walking into his morning class took every ounce of energy in his body. The worst part, was the moment his eyes met with Clare's and he felt his stomach quake. He entered the room and her striking blue eyes hit him like a semi truck. It took a few seconds to collect himself before he was able to look away and made way to his seat. He could still feel her eyes on him as he sat down and stared hard at the front of the room. He glared at the chalk board intensely, hating everything about the day around him already and how it was going though it was only a few hours into it. If he'd had his choice he would have stayed home and induced alcohol poisoning on himself instead of having to endure the heart wrenching sighs from his mom or the coldly curious stares from the girl not far beside him. The girl, though he wasn't sure why, he couldn't shake from his brain. Even as he sat there, glaring at the dark chalk board, her thrilling light eyes blurred his vision.<p>

He placed his hands to his face, pressing deep against his sockets and let out a harsh breath, trying not to dwell on this but it was no use. By the time class was halfway through his head was screaming so loud at him that he couldn't take it any longer. In the middle of a lecture Ms. Dawes was giving he stood up. His eyes met briefly with Clare's as he did and he could see the underlying worry in them as he grabbed his backpack and left without a word.

He felt as if there was no way he could drive Morty fast enough. Not even worried about the chance of getting a ticket he pressed his foot to the gas in a desperate attempted to get away. He wasn't sure where he was headed, all he knew was that anywhere would be better than sitting in class. In the end he decided on his own home. Neither of his parents would be there, both having work that day, and he figured the silence would be liberating. He pulled his keys from the ignition, thankful that his dad had agreed to give them back so he could drive to school, and then threw himself from the car to his house. He made no hast to get upstairs. Instead he ventured to the kitchen, finding his way to the cabinet his parents kept their liquor in without even thinking about it. From it he pulled out a tall glass bottle full to the top with amber liquid that he would soon consume. He twisted the cap from it and tilted it back to his parted lips, letting it trickle down his throat. The same accustomed warmth engulfed his head as he continued to swallow the golden drink, filling his stomach with the familiar poison. Further back he moved his head, letting the effects progress through him and as he pulled the mouth of the bottle from his lips he gasped for breath. He repeated this action a few times, taking small breaks in between and then meandered around the kitchen for a moment, filtering through the refrigerator a few times with no prevail before he made his way back, pulled out a different bottle and a glass cup from a cabinet beside that one. Into the glass cup he poured the liquids, mixing them together and watches as they filled it to the brim. His mouth watered and his mind frenzied as he lifted the glass and sipped his concoction. It didn't taste well, but at this point in his life he'd grown accustom to the stinging burn. Enough to put the flavor aside and will himself to drink it anyways.

Grasped the cup firmly in his hand, he departed towards his room but before he could reach the stairs he heard a light knock on the front door. His eyes moved to it, watching it intently as he waited to hear another knock, making sure he hadn't imagined it. But there it was again, another knock that as louder this time. He stayed still for a moment, standing only a few feet from the door, hoping that whoever it was would just turn away and leave while thinking that no one was home. But as soon as he'd thought they had left, there came another knock, this time accompanied with a voice."Eli, are you there?" The girl's voice spoke and Eli's heart quaked in his chest.

He contemplated just ignoring her, to leave to his room where he could drink himself into a coma, but something kept him from doing so. Instead he let out a sigh, gripped the cup tighter and went to open the door.

She stood on the other side, her face blank but worry apparent in her crystal blue eyes. She was shocked by his sudden appearance before her and her mind fumbled to find words to speak.

"Uh…" she began and looked right back at him, "Why are you here?"

Eli scoffed, "This is my house, shouldn't I be asking you that?"

She crossed her arms over her chest, looking briefly at the ground before back up at him, "I left early... I was worried about you. You just left like that and I thought something may be wrong…"

"Are you kidding?" Again he scoffed but this time a sarcastic chuckle fell from his lips as well, "You came to check up on me? Like a little kid? Well news flash, I don't need you checking up on me. I didn't ask you to care."

Clare was taken aback by his outburst and her cheeks flushed, "I... I didn't mean to… I mean I…"

"What's it going to take for me to get you to just leave me alone?" his voice was raised slightly now and pushed the door further open, turning back to walk inside his house. She watched from the porch, staring at his back as he moved to the living room and she took the door being left open as incentive to go in. She stepped up into his house and closed the door behind her.

"Why are you so desperate to get rid of me?" she asked as she approached him and he turned around.

"I already told you. You're not a part of my life. You'll never fit in, it just doesn't work."

She could smell the alcohol on his breath then and her eyes moved to the cup in his hand. She watched as he lifted the glass to his lips and sipped the drink, his eyes never leaving her as he did so.

"And I told you… You don't know who I am or what I'm like. You have no idea what's going on in my life or what I've done."

Another scoff from his lips, "Like what? Bake brownies for bake sales and take care of the elderly?"

Clare glared at him. If looks could kill he would have been six feet under in that moment. Without a word, she continued to scowl at him as she reached out and grabbed the glass from his hands. He didn't try and hold it back, his motor skills were already being affected by his previous intake of the drink and any effort to keep it away was shot then.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked and bit his lip as he watched her throw her head back and the mixed drink slowly decreased from the glass to her mouth. An uneasy feeling fell over him as he watched her. Only days before she could hardly handle the taste or the smell of this and yet here she was drinking it as if it were simply water. His body trembled with his feeling of fury and with a grimace he reached up and smacked the glass from her hands. The moment it made contact with the wooden floor it shattered, covering the surface with shards of glass and what was left of the alcohol. The smell instantly filled the room and Clare looked down at it with wide disbelieving eyes.

"Yeah!" She shouted as she pulled her eyes away and looked back up at him, "Because making a mess is so much better than letting me in on this and letting be a part of what you have going on?"

He furrowed his brow, staring at the mess beneath them and clenched his jaw tightly. His teeth were grinding together as her words filled the room, going on about how stupid he was acting and how childish his action had been. He blocked out her rant of how judgmental he was and how unfair he was being with his own thoughts. Thoughts about how in that moment his heart was racing, fluttering in his chest like the wings of butterflies. Why had her consumption of his drink affected him so much? He couldn't handle seeing her like that, he'd known that much. Not since the moment he'd seen her sitting on the couch at that party and the anger had taken over even then. He wanted to save her from this life that she thought she wanted, because he knew, though he hardly knew her at all, that it wasn't the type of person she was. She couldn't handle this life he'd grown so used to. He didn't _want_ her to grow used to it. It wasn't the kind of a life a girl as beautiful as her deserved to live. And he'd known that first hand from previous experience. He should have yelled back at her instead of standing there, taking it like he was. He continued to only glare at the tiny slivers of broken glass and liquid beneath them that sat still like the heavy feeling on his chest. He should have wanted to be mad, to yell at her and kick her out. But as he pulled his eyes from the floor and they met with hers, all he wanted to do was kiss her.

And so he did.

He placed his hands to her cheeks and their lips met. It caught her off guard, but she didn't protest, not at first anyways. For a moment, she even kissed him back before in a split seconds he felt a stinging pain against his face as the sound of a cracking smack filled the room. He took a step back, his hand to his face and looked at her in disbelief. She had smacked him. Her eyes were wide and her hands were to her mouth as she gasped.

"Oh my God…" she began, shocked she'd done such a thing, "I'm so sorry."

Eli stood there like a deer in headlights, holding his hand to his quickly reddening cheek as she turned from him and left his house as fast as she could.


	8. Double Vision

Eli had only been this upset with himself once before in his life, and that really wasn't a memory he was willing to rehash. He had replayed the kiss over and over in his head and still couldn't seem to find the reason for his actions. Here this girl was, yelling at him for some idiotic thing he'd done and he used the moment to kiss her. A kiss, which to him had come from out of nowhere. And the way she'd reacted… he could still feel the sting of her hand against the skin of his cheek. To be honest, he'd rather she had punched him with all her might, leaving a bruise to remind him of how foolish he was. How had he let things get so far? How had he let this girl affect him in such a substantial way? He'd spent his time pushing people away to avoid feelings like these. He wanted to be alone. He couldn't accept the fact that he needed anyone because he couldn't be that for someone else. He refused to be that for someone else. Not again. He was alone, and that's how he wanted things to stay. And yet, why couldn't he stop himself from wanting to be around her? No matter how much he wanted her gone, he always found himself thinking of her when his mind wandered. His mind. His biggest enemy. It had always been that way, and he knew this as a fact. What did you do when you couldn't even trust your mind? Now there was another thing in it he was running from, and he felt physically and mentally tired from doing so. So he continued to do as he did. Filling his body full of chemicals that would help him forget. Savoring the high that floated him through the day without a care. He wasn't willing to let the feelings he so desperately wanted to push away attack him in anyway. More liquid. More Pills. More smoke. Steadily he was becoming a shell of the person he once knew, and the worst part was that he didn't care. He spent his days doing as he had before Clare had even come into his life. The couch in the small, loud, smoke filled house had become his best friend. Spending night after night there with people he didn't know, putting things into his system that were a mystery to him half the time. And he spent his days doing the one thing he knew he had to. Avoiding Clare. Class was like hell for him. She sat not far from him and half the time he contemplated ditching it completely. But ever since he was young he'd loved English. It was the only thing that kept him happy through the years. It was the only thing he'd brought into this life from the one he'd lived before. The one thing that reminded him of who he was. The thing that upset him the most, was that he felt the need to not attend his favorite class. The fact that this girl had such a curse over him that he didn't even want to show up pissed him off completely. But _he knew_. He knew the moment he stepped into that room and his eyes met with her thrilling blue ones, that his defenses would fall. But he did it. He made his way, avoiding contact with her presence altogether. He wasn't going to let her ruin the one thing that lightened him even remotely in his life. Though in the back of his mind, it pained him to think that she was avoiding him too. She hadn't spoken to him, pestered him or tried to push her way into his day once. Not like she had before. And it upset him thinking that he'd ruined something that never even started. But this is what he had wanted. To be alone. No one but himself. Isolated.

_These dark crimson thoughts_

_Dripping from my mind like blood_

_Staining the world red_

He stared down on the words he'd etched roughly into his notebook, glaring hard at them as he sat in class. He couldn't remembered putting them there, but the page was new so it had to have been recent. It was strange, but the fact that he couldn't remember when he'd done it pleased him. He was forgetting moments, losing track of time and spaces in his day. It thrilled him, though he knew it was probably having more of a negative effect on his body, that parts of his life were falling away like lost puzzle pieces. He'd been staring at the words of the dark haiku for so long that before he knew it, the bell was ringing and it was time to leave. The loud buzz signaling the end of class alarmed him, echoing through his head like it was being played on repeat and his body jumped suddenly, knocking the papers from his desk.

"Shit." he mumbled quietly as he leaned down almost in slow motion to pick them up, but as soon as he went to grab the paper, soft delicate fingers came into view and lifted it from the floor. He knew who it was before he even lifted his head. Their eyes met and he felt a blaze radiate through his chest. He felt stuck, watching as Clare held the paper out to him, the look on her face blank. He swallowed hard, feeling trapped in her gaze. Until she blinked, and finally he was able to pull himself away. He stood up, placed his backpack over his shoulder and yanked the paper from her, turning without saying a word as he left the classroom.

* * *

><p>A set back. Her eyes, the way they struck him, enabling him to move with one simple gaze. It bothered him more than it should have. And though he didn't want to admit it, it sort of bothered him that she'd given up on trying so easily. He'd expected a fight out of her. In the short time that he knew her, she had been so persistent. Did some stupid kiss really change everything? He wasn't exactly surprised though. Eventually, everyone left. It was a way of life. A path on repeat. A continuous circle. The pain of being alone had turned cold in his veins, numbing him of any feeling. He savored it, feeling like ice as he moved through his everyday life. He'd grown to hate the person he'd become, but though this stranger was unknown, it was him. He felt nothing and everything, all at the same time. But when he was around Clare, whether in her presence, looking into her eyes or arguing with her, it felt as if the ice in his veins was slowly melting and everything around him became clear. He hadn't decided yet whether or not he enjoyed this, or feared it.<p>

And yet, she had given up. Though he didn't blame her, it was still a sense of rejection that his mind couldn't shut out. The monster inside of him always won, pushing the people around him away, and he'd grown to enjoyed it that way. He'd convinced himself of that so often that it had grown to be a fact to him. The last time he'd let himself become close to someone, he lost them. What was the point of allowing yourself to get attached when everyone leaves in the end? Anyone could be gone in a second. There's no time line and they could be taken from you in a second. Just like Julia. She was there, and then she was gone without any sort of warning. And then he was alone.

* * *

><p><strong>(Pretty much just a filler chapter since I haven't updated lately haha. Hope you like it anyways.)<strong>


	9. See You Go

Days went by and he continued to ignore her. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then finally Friday arrived. As the final bell of the day rang he felt a sense of relief. He was free to the weekend, free from being around others, free from having to be around Clare. Two days to forget.

Two days to forget the way her eyes would find him in the hallway and glance in a caring way, with worry hidden deep behind their gaze.

Two days to forget the way she'd brush past his desk as she walked down the isle and the sweet floral smell of her perfume would dance around him and linger for the rest of the day, sending his mind into a dizzy pain.

Two days to forget the way her voice whispered to him from the desk behind his when she tried to get his attention, and how the hairs stood up on his neck as chills decorated his skin. But he ignored her. No matter how savory the sound of her voice felt, silk like to his ears, he ignored her. He had too. There was no way he was going to let her in again. Because after a week, the nauseous feeling he'd acquired from letting her into his life had settled and again he was alone. But what sent panic through him was a nightmares he'd had. Julia's face would flashed in his mind in his dreams, but in seconds it morphed into Clare. Their smile was devious as it flashed back and forth from his previous love to the current girl who tormented his life. Countless nights when he closed his eyes this vision corrupted his mind and it bothered him that even in sleep he couldn't escape. Just another reason he hated the thought of sleep.

He'd done well so far, pretending as if Clare didn't exist. Soon, she'd be a distant memory, tarnished by the amber and clear stinging liquids or toxins he'd mutilated his body with. But the worst part, was the tiny tick, the everlasting itch that irritated the back of his mind, that he didn't want to forget her. That forgetting her was a bad idea. So he did as he only could, and tried to drown it out the best ways he knew how. School had been an everlasting blur to him and he was sure his grades were suffering, but of that he had no care. What were grades to someone like him? Nothing. Just like everyone and everything else.

He pushed himself from his desk, collecting his things and waited until everyone in the class was gone before he headed out to his locker. He put in his combination and pulled it open, but as he did, something caught his eye. He looked up to see Clare, standing only a few lockers down from his own and she was speaking to a boy. He'd never seen this boy before in his life, but something about the way he was looking to her as they spoke twisted his gut. It felt as if a snake was coiling within his stomach, burning it's way through his veins as he watched her giggle to something the boy had said. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't turn away. He couldn't pull his eyes away from the sight being played out before him. The boy's smile spread across his face as he lifted his hand to brush a fallen strand of hair from her face and Eli bit the side of his cheek. He wasn't aware of how hard he was actually glaring at them, but what bothered him the most was the look of uneasiness on Clare's face. What was she doing? Obviously from her body language she wanted nothing to do with the boy standing far too close to her. He couldn't help but wish desperately that she would move herself before his own urge to make the boy move took over. And then, Clare looked at him. Their eyes locked. Her brilliant blue eyes met with his emerald ones and he could have sworn she seemed as if she was aware he was looking the entire time. His face ached with the severity of his glare and he clenched his jaw tightly before he slammed his locker shut and turned away, taking haven in the boys bathroom that wasn't far away.

There was no one in there, of that he was glad. He placed his hands firmly down on the counter by the sink and took in a deep breath as he glared into the mirror. His eyes caught his own in the reflection and he realized then just how broken he looked. Deep dark circles surrounded his eyes along with the bright blood shot red look that decorated them. His skin was a lucid pale white that in contrast to his dark hair made him look inhuman. He licked his lips, trying to push away the torrent feeling of rage that enveloped his entire being. It was as if a war was going on inside of his head. Why should he care? Why should it bother him? He tried to fight away the feeling of jealous rage that tormented him but as hard as he tried it was as if something had clicked on and the switch was broken.

"She's not yours." He whispered and even his own voice was a stranger to himself. It was cold and raspy and sounded as if it belonged to a man of higher age, and not of that of a teenager. His fist clenched against the cold sink and he took in a deep breath before he pushed away on a mission to his car. The hallway was empty now and it shocked him that he had actually been in the bathroom for such a long time. But that's how things had been for him lately. Long periods of time seemed like seconds as of lately. He could stare at the wall of his room for what to him felt like a few seconds and then look up to see that night had taken over the day. The silence of the hallway was eerie but he tried with all of this might not to look up and search for the fair skinned girl as he shoved the school doors open and continued quickly to his hearse. He kept his head down, staring at the cement beneath him as his feet moved quickly in the direction of his car. He wanted to leave. To go to the one place where nothing mattered. To lose himself in the abyss of near lethal fingers fumbled in his coat pocket as he reached for his keys and pulled them out, only to lift his head and see Clare standing idly beside his car. She was leaning against the drivers side door, her arms crossed uncomfortably over her chest and was looking back at him. Something within him began to burn once again as he snarled at her.

"What do you want?" His tone made her shrink back and she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Ms. Dawes wanted me to talk to you." she said shyly as she moved from the spot and allowed him to unlock the door, "She says your grades are suffering and she wanted me to see if I could help you."

"I don't need your help." he said as he yanked the door open.

Clare bit the corner of her lip, "Well… maybe we could talk?"

He stopped, realizing she was still standing in the way so he couldn't open his door far enough to get in and narrowed his eyes at her.

"I….I…" she stuttered her words and looked awkwardly down at the ground and then around them, "I miss you. And I think you miss me too. I was thinking we could hang out again, maybe go to your friends house or something…?"

For reasons unknown, her words sent fury throughout him and he bit back his anger as his fingers gripped the door tightly.

"Get out of the way." his voice was poisonous but she did what he said before he pulled the door further open, got in and slammed it close as he started the car and drove away.


	10. I Know How To Say

Late night, Eli sat on the edge of a strangers bed. His feet touched the ground lightly as he stared at the wooden floor beneath him. The room was dim and filled with the faint sound of a girls breathing. His back ached with the burning marks that nails had dug, his skin was damp with a thin sheet of sweat. Smoke spilled from his lips, filling the dim room around him and clouded his mind. As he listened to the steady breathing coming from the nameless body beside him. He couldn't remember how he'd gotten there, but he didn't mind. The last thing he could remember was the sound of the Norco pills being crushed on the table in front of him, the sniffing sound and then the instant euphoria that came to be as soon as it hit. The rest of the night was a blur until he ended up where he was just then, toking on a bed in a room he'd never been in before in his life. He laid back against the head board, making sure not to shift the bed too much so he wouldn't wake whoever it was that was laying beside him. And then he heard a buzzing sound coming from the bedside table beside him and he realized it was his phone. He picked it up, reacting quickly to stop the noise and answered it before he saw the name of who it was.

"Eli?" her voice spoke softly on the other line. It was Clare.  
>He let out a sigh and sat back up slowly, running his fingers through his dirty hair. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't remember the last time he'd taken a shower.<p>

"What do you want?" his voice was snide in reply.

"I need you." She spoke the words and the moment she did, his heart raced in his chest. Her voice was low and he sat up straight slowly. But before he could get another word in she continued to speak, "I know you… I know what you think of me and I know you still think I'm just worthless to you but I just… I just… I need…"

"You don't need me Clare…" Eli cut her off before she could say another word. She fell silent on the other line and he sighed again, "You're better off without me."

"How could you say that?" She spoke, "You're not better off alone, no matter how badly you think you are. I just don't understand why you keep avoiding me…"

"I don't w-"

"Eli, shut up!" She raised her voice and it caught him off guard, "I just don't understand how you can try and avoid me… but… but I…" she began to stutter and her confidence faltered.

"You what?"

"I don't understand how you can say you don't care… when you look at me like you care. I've… I've never had someone look at me the way you do. Everyone else looks at me like I'm this perfect little straight and narrow girl… but you look at me like I'm so much more than that. You look at me like I mean everything… to you. You might try and act like you don't care… but I know you do. You and I, we're not so different at all…"

Eli stayed silent, glaring off into the dark in front of him. His hand held so tightly onto his phone he was surprised it didn't crack. Her words bothered him more than they should have. Because they were different. They were worlds apart and the fact that she wanted to be anything like him enraged his entire body, scorching his veins. She was sweet, and beautiful and perfect in everyone else's eyes. He was dark and worthless and had no future. He was just a mass floating around without meaning. He spent all of his time making sure of that so why in the world did this girl think that he was more? Why couldn't she just see him as everyone else did. He was sure what bothered him more was that she was partly right. He did look at her differently. Because he saw this girl with all the potential in the world, with no other want then to destroy that. He wouldn't allow himself to be the aid to her self destruction. He wouldn't be her coach to destroying her life. Deep down he knew that he wanted to be a part of her life but it was impossible. He was him, and she was her. Two completely different people, two completely different worlds apart and he didn't want to be a part of her transition to his world.

"You're wrong." he growled, not bothering to stay quiet now, "About it all."

"No, I know I'm not. You can lie to yourself all you want but I know the truth."

"Clare, you don't know shit! The only thing you know is that I'm some weird guy who can help you out with proving to mommy and daddy that you're not the little saint that they think you are. There are a million other guys out there that I'm sure would be willing help you out with that so why don't you go bother them instead of me?"

"Have you ever thought that maybe I don't want any of those other guys?" She exclaimed and again he was caught off guard, "I don't want them, I want you! You make me feel… different. You make me feel safe and you don't have any expectations of me. When I'm with you I can just be whoever I want. I don't have to keep up some façade. With you, it's okay to not be perfect and I can do things that aren't safe, and still feel safe."

He closed his eyes and let out a long drawn breath, knowing that he was going to have to be harsh yet again, "Well, have you ever thought that maybe I don't want you? How many times do I have to tell you that before you get it through your thick head? I don't need a tag along like some little lost puppy."

Her side of the line fell silent as the sting off his words hit her, and as soon as it did he felt a soft hand on his back.

"Are you going to be on the phone for the rest of the night?" the girl's voice purred in his ear and he bit his lip.

"…who's that?" Clare asked timidly and Eli sighed.

"I've got to go."

"Why?" She asked curiously now, "What are you doing?"'

"Nothing, It's none of your business."

"But Eli I need… I want… everything is just so…"

"Goodnight Clare."

"Please!"

He hung up the phone then, cutting her off with the push of a button. His heart vibrated in his chest as he rolled over to face the stranger who's voice had interrupted his conversation. Without hesitation she pressed her lips to his and her hands explored his body. His own found her hair and he indulged in the thought of the action he knew was soon to come. But though he held this girl who's name he didn't even know, though he felt her heart beat against his chest and her warm breath on his lips, his mind burned with the face of the girl on the other end of the line.

* * *

><p>Clare stared down at her phone, unbelieving of the conversation she'd just had. It seemed like the more they spoke the meaner he got and she couldn't understand. She couldn't understand how he could treat her like that and be so… heartless. Maybe she was being stupid. Maybe he really didn't care about her. But for some reason, her mind wouldn't let her believe that. The way he looked at her… the way their eyes would catch in the hallway. Even the way he'd looked and stormed off when he'd seen her with the boy at her locker. Clare was a smart girl. She knew when a look meant something more and almost every time their eyes locked she felt it. She could tell he thought he wasn't worth it. She knew how he perceived himself but to her he was so much more. He was this boy, running away from something that kept him guarded. He did all of this to avoid confrontation and to get through life with ease but on top of that he was mysterious, and confident and for some reason she loved being around him. She loved that he challenged her, that he pushed her limits. Because everyone else saw her as this sweet girl with limitations and no will to do anything other than succeed and live a sweet normal life. She wanted more than that. She wanted fun, and adrenaline. She wanted to wake up beside this boy and not remember the previous night. She wanted find out was wrong and somehow convince him that everything was going to be okay. She wanted to show him that she cared about him as much as she knew he cared about her. But all of this was impossible when he did everything in his power to push her away. She knew he'd be annoyed. But now more than ever she needed to get away. Because the moment she'd heard the feminine voice coming from the other line, her heart panicked. She'd never felt jealousy so strongly before but at this moment it was raging through her, enabling her to stay to the spot she was in. Her hands tightened and her teeth clenched as she pushed herself from the bed with only one destination in mind.<p>

Clare had a good memory. She'd never failed a test because she was good at remembering things, whether it was answers, things of knowledge, peoples names or… directions. The house was loud, like she assumed it always was and the lights were dimmed.

_"Why are you here Clare?" _she asked herself as she walked through the door, realizing then that it was too late to turn back, _"You're only going to upset him… he doesn't care… remember? He doesn't want you."_

Her mind tried to convince herself that it was a bad idea, but she wasn't about to leave now. Especially when her wandering eyes spotted a familiar face. There in the kitchen where she'd entered was the boy she'd met the last time she was there. Cody, she remembered that his name was Cody

"Hey, you're Eli's friend right?" he asked with a laugh and she could smell the alcohol on his breath. She nodded her head but didn't bother to reply and he smiled as he held out a cup of liquid to her. She looked down at it and then, not wanting to seem weak, she took it in her nimble fingers.

"Is Eli here?" She asked curiously as she held her cup, and watched the boy in front of hers down his own.

"Nah," he replied as soon as he'd finished it off, "Oh wait, he was earlier. He's always here. But I'm pretty sure I saw him leave with some chick."

His laughter danced around her head and she frown as she furrowed her brows and stared down at her cup. He'd left with a girl. She was sure then that the feelings she felt wasn't just from jealousy. She felt hurt. He had left with a girl. Even though he'd pushed her away many times he felt the ability to leave with this girl. Why her? Why had he rejected Clare so many times and yet he was willing to run off with a girl she was sure he didn't even know. Rejection hurt, no matter what kind it was. And then she felt it. The stupidity she should have felt from the beginning. Maybe she was wrong the entire time. Maybe the looks meant nothing. Maybe every moment actually had no meaning at all. Maybe she'd made it all up in her head and Eli and her were actually nothing and never would be. She felt the realization crash down on her and the pain took over her mind, but before she could think or even bare to allow it, she lifted the up to her lips and let it pour down her throat, coating it with warmth.

"That's what I'm talking about!" The boy Cody exclaimed as she slammed the cup down on the counter and he filled it another time. If Eli wasn't going to help her get lost in the world, she'd do it on her cups later and she looked up at Cody with heavy eyes.

"Help me forget?" she pleaded as she placed her hand against his eager eyes of his own he nodded.

"Baby I've got just what you need."

From his pocket he pulled out a little plastic bag. Inside of it were two small pills. One for her, and one for him.

"What is it?" She asked as she watched him open the bag and take one out. Memories of the night she'd spent here flooded back and the idea of feeling that way again at this moment was uplifting to her.

"E." he said and her face fell as the dark haired boy's face came flashing into to her mind.

"Can we not call it that?"

He let out a chuckle as he held it up, "We can call it whatever you like."

She lifted her hand to take it from him but he pulled it back with a smirk.

"Ah ah ah, open up."

She felt her skin crawl but at this point she was willing to do anything, so hesitantly she opened her mouth and he placed it on the tip of her tongue.

"Now swallow." he said in a way that was unsettling to Clare, but she did as he said as he took her hand and led her away.


	11. I Can't Do It Alone

"I don't know what Eli was so worried about…" Clare's voice spoke loudly, trying to be heard over the sound of the music that swam around the air of the room. It was heavy, as were her eyes and the warm feeling that had taken over her body as she sat draped against the couch. She pressed her body against the boy beside her, leaning into him as her hands ran lazily over surfaces around her and her eyes were unable to stay still as they gazed around the room. She couldn't believe how little the place had changed since the last time she'd been there. It wasn't much different even after the span of time she'd spent away. Still decorated in bottles, filled with smoke and loud with the sound of music and people around.

"You're really not a bad guy at all huh? This is really nice. You're really nice! I feel like I can trust you." she tilted her head up and back to look at the boy whom had given her the pill. He let his arm drape gently around her as she giggled and he smiled back at her.

"Of course you can trust me, I'm a good guy." his voice was low too, but she could hear him perfectly with how close he'd gotten. She continued to smile as she looked around the room and let out a huff.

"I don't know what his problem is. He's so, great most of the time but he can be really moody." her fingers ran idly against the fabric of the couch and she chewed on the inside of her cheek, "And gosh I feel amazing. Just… wow. Everything is so amazing. You're amazing, you know that?"

She looked back at Cody, and though she didn't know him at all, in the moment she didn't care. She felt an overwhelming feeling of happiness and it was nice to fall into. She felt light and overcome with joy.

"You're pretty great too…" he said as he shifted his weight on the couch, "And speaking of great… I have something I just really want to show you…"

Clare turned towards him and lifted her eyebrow curiously as he stood up and reached his hand out to her.

"Where are we going?" she asked as she took his hand and stood beside him, following slowly behind as he led her away.

"My bedroom." he replied and she just barely heard him over the sound of the music. She felt a slight shake in her stomach but she took no mind to it as they continued on and he pulled her down the hall and through a door. Something in the back of her mind told her it was a bad idea but another part of her didn't care. This was what she wanted. She wanted to be treated differently, like she wasn't just some goody two shoes with a clean rep. She felt light and warm and she couldn't stop smiling even as the boy dropped her hand and moved forward, sitting on the bed. He looked up at her, grinning as he rubbed the spot beside him and she sat down, letting her fingers run across the material of his blanket. She couldn't help but notice it was the softest thing she'd ever felt before. It was like feeling heaven through her finger tips. She became mesmerized by it, unable to pull her attention away from it even as the boy brushed her hair from her shoulder and began to kiss her neck. It wasn't until a few moments later when his hand began to explore her body that she put her attention back on him.

"What are you doing?" she asked, pulling slightly away.

He merely smiled and kissed her shoulder then looked back up into her eyes, "You're really beautiful, you know that?"

At his words he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. They were soft, and though even the feeling of them felt more incredible than they should have, she couldn't get past the taste of alcohol and tobacco on his tongue. She pulled back, looking at him unsure for a moment and he smiled.

"What's wrong, don't you trust me?"

But trust didn't matter to her at that moment. Not only was she unable to think straight, but the one thing that actually did make it to her mind through the mixture of her blood alcohol level and the colorful pill that had disappeared down her throat, was Eli. Clare wasn't this girl. She didn't get attached to the weird mysterious boy. She didn't let her guard down, especially for someone she hardly knew and who didn't care back for her at all. She didn't feel jealousy or want and she certainly would never even think of trying to make someone else jealous for their attention… would she? No, of course not. She wasn't some desperate girl who would kiss someone like the boy in front of her just to get a reaction out of the boy who deep down, she had stronger feelings for than she was willing to let on. She wouldn't kiss this boy, to try and get the other to realize that there really was something between them. She wouldn't kiss this boy so that Eli would feel jealous and realize that he wanted her too. She wouldn't do it, because she wasn't this girl. She was smarter than that. She was a good girl. A sweet girl. With perfect grades and a perfect reputation. She wasn't the type of girl who did these things. But that was the assumptions she wanted to get rid of. She wanted to be this girl. At least for one night. At least for one night so that she could see what it was like. That thought, on top of the feeling of overwhelming warmth and affection pushed her to do so and before she could even think it through, her lips were back on the boys. His hands slid down her body, finding their way to her waist as they laid back against his bed. She let him take the lead, his lips moving roughly against hers and she closed her eyes, trying to convince herself that it was worth it. She felt like she was floating, her skin tingling as he slid his hands beneath her shirt and rubbed gently against the skin of her stomach. Kissing this boy felt like nothing she'd ever felt before but she was more than sure it was an effect of the pill and not the actual kiss itself. She let herself get lost in it, placing her hands to his head to run her fingers through his filthy hair. He removed his lips from hers and placed them to her neck and his hands explored further and further down her body. It wasn't until the tips of his fingers grazed beneath the edge of her jeans that she began to panic.

"What are you doing?" She asked as he held them there, slowly inching them further beneath.

He smirked, his face only centimeters from hers and brushed his lips softly against hers before he spoke, "Just testing the waters… how about we take things a little bit further?"

Suddenly, her heart began to move rapidly in her chest as she shook her head, "No."

The boys eyes narrowed as he watched her bite her lip. He remained calm for a moment and then began to chuckle before he pressed his lips back to hers and pushed his fingers further down.

"I said no." she said sternly as she pulled back and began to wiggle, trying to move her body from beneath him.

"Just relax." he said, pressing his body firmer against her to stop her from moving and panic set in. Her face grew warm and she tried to move again but he held her down.

"I don't want to do anything." she said, her face covered in fear as his eyebrows furrowed.

She watched as the awareness of the moment fell upon the boy above her and his eyes narrowed, his face growing apparent to the fact that Clare wasn't going to abide to his hazy seduction.

"You're a fucking tease." he growled and his hands moved to her arms, pinning her against the bed. She felt his subtle nails dig into her skin as he held her wrists tightly and the stinging pain made her gasp.

Clare panicked. It filled her entire body and suddenly she didn't feel so great anymore. She was overcome with the realization that her plan was stupid, completely reckless and totally idiotic. Now she was going to suffer the consequences. Eli was right. She wasn't cut out for this. It was too rough for a sweet and innocent girl like her. Her heart was racing, pounding throughout her entire body and she could feel the tears filling her eyes, threatening to break from the corners. She did the first thing that came to mind then. Self defense 101. She wiggled her body, making room and then lifted her knee fast, bringing it to contact with his groin before he could block the blow or move from the way. A loud grown filled the room as he fell back, rolling from her body and retracted his hands from her arms. Finally she had the ability to move. She pushed herself up, her entire body feeling like silly putty as she hurried from the room, shaking as she blindly found her way to the bathroom. To her relief, it was empty and she slammed the door shut, locked it behind her and then slid to the floor as she cried and pulled out her phone.

* * *

><p>The steady buzz of Eli's phone filled the room, stirring him from his not so deep sleep. He was still in the unknown bed, and his head pounded as he opened his eyes to the dark unfamiliar room. He looked down, realizing the unnamed girl was draped across him, her bare body laying fast asleep across his chest. He sighed as he looked over at his phone, buzzing and lighting up from the bedside table and he reached over as slow as he could to not wake the girl as he picked it up.<p>

"Hello?" he answered, his mind still tired and sore.

"Eli." It was Clare again, but this time something was different. Her voice was hoarse and he could tell just by her saying his name that she was crying.

For some reason he didn't quite know, panic set in and he pushed the girl carelessly from his body. She stirred awake, looking at him with annoyance but he didn't care. Though his head had felt heavy before, it was light now as he listened to her breathing on the other line.

"Clare?" he began as he scooted to the edge of the bed, "Are you okay?"

"No." she cried, followed by a sniff and Eli's heart began to race.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and already he was pushing himself up from the bed, collecting his clothes and began to dress, "Where are you?"

"I don't want you to be mad." she cried and he shook his head as he continued to move around, collecting his things.

"I won't be mad Clare, just tell me where you are and what's wrong so I can come help you."

The other line stayed silent for a moment, not a word spoken but he could still hear her crying.

"Clare, you have to tell me." He pleaded as calmly as he could while he pulled on his shoes, holding the phone between his shoulder and his head, "I need to know where you are so I can come get you."

"I came to that house… the one you took me too… your friends house." The words felt like acid on her tongue and the moment she said it Eli's mouth fell agape in disbelief.

"Are you kidding me?" He exclaimed, "How could you… why in the world would you…? Do you realize how stupid that was?"

Her crying became louder, "You said you wouldn't get mad! Just please hurry, please."

"I'm not mad Clare. I just… I'll be right there, okay? Where are you right now?"

"I'm in the bathroom." she said and he let out a deep breath, "I came here to get away."

"Stay in there, don't move. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Without waiting for a reply, he hung up the phone and hurried as quick as he could from the unknown room and house, and hurried away to help Clare.

* * *

><p>The lights flashed from inside the windows as Eli pulled up in front of the place Clare resided at. The music was loud, booming bass that shook the ground as he pushed him from the car and ran into the dim lit smoky house. Voices spoke around him, collected in a steady hum as people tried to be heard by others above the noisy music and clinking of bottles. Frantically, he looked around, scanning the room to make sure Clare hadn't moved from where she'd said she'd be and then he pushed his way through the crowed of people out of their minds as he hurried quickly to the bathroom. The door was locked and he pounded against the wood with his fist rapidly, in a hurry to find her.<p>

"Go away!" he heard Clare's small voice shake from the other side and he let out a sigh of relief, leaning his head against the cold wood of the door.

"Clare it's me." he yelled as he knocked his knuckles against it again, "Let me in."

In mere seconds the knob turned and the door swung open as Clare threw herself against his body so hard that it nearly winded him and he held her close, wrapping his arms around her as she cried against his chest.

"You were right, you were completely right." she sobbed, clenching his back with her tiny hands as she did.

Confused, Eli pulled back slightly and her reddened, tear stained eyes looked up at him.

"What do you mean?" He asked curiously, bringing his hand up to wipe the tears from her tender cheeks.

"About Cody, about the guys here. You were right about what he wanted."

Confusion was still dominant on his mind as he listened to her words and his eyes found her wrists. The reddened marks that the boy's nails had left in her skin made his eyes widen and his mind fume. Then he looked up and saw Cody standing a few feet from them, and it all clicked. Rage filled him and his eyes saw red as anger polluted his veins, poisoning his blood with irreversible fury that caused his entire body to tense up as he clenched his fists.

"Bro that chick's fucking crazy." Cody began, his wild eyes flashing from Eli to Clare, "She's on all kinds of stuff… came in here saying she wanted me and wanted me to help her forget or whatever that's supposed to mean."

Beside him Clare was shaking, convulsing against his side as she looked at the boy in fear and this only sent Eli's anger over the top even more. Impulsively without thinking he stepped forward and lifted his fist, bringing it to contact with Cody's face. The stinging of his knuckles as they made contact with the boys mouth was a sense of overjoyed relief and the end of a longing he'd had since the night he'd first brought Clare to the place. The relief consumed him as the red dimmed from his eyes and he looked down at the boy knocked back against the filthy carpet that now looked up at him with wide disbelieving eyes as he held his pained jaw. Eli looked around, realizing then that everything had stopped a multiple eyes were looking at him and the scene he had caused. He clutched Clare closer to his body, holding her against him as he turned from the spot and lead her from the house as quickly as he could as she shivered beside hurried her to Morty, still parked in the same spot but now the night had darkened around him. He opened the door and let her in, realizing that she was still in full tears as she hugged her arms tightly across her chest and slid into the seat. As soon as he closed the door behind her he rushed to the drivers side and got in, making sure to pull her close, causing her to rest her body against his as he started the car and pulled away from the house. He drove fast, yet careful as his anger about the situation grew. It grew so intense that he had to pull over to collect himself, screeching to a stop as his hand clenched the steering wheel in a tight grip and his foot slammed into the break. After a few seconds of deep breaths in the silence of the warm car's cab, he turned to Clare whose eyes were red and still brimming with tears.

"What were you thinking?" He raised his voice and it caused Clare to shrink back, biting her lip as she saw the upset in his eyes.

"I wasn't…" she choked, her hands clutching her arms and her nails digging into her own skin, "I just… I wanted to find you."

Eli sighed, taking in the fact that this was his fault and he brought his hands to her cheeks, wiping the tears from them softly.

"I told you…" he began as her eyes stayed locked with his, "I told you not to."

He wanted to be upset with her. He wanted to lash out and put it in her head how stupid she was for what she did but it was hard when he looked down at her tear filled eyes. She had been through enough and he figured what had happened was punishment enough for her foolish action. Instead, without thinking he pulled her close to him and hugged her body against his. She tensed up at first, caught off guard by this unusual act but willingly hugged him back as she cried against his chest. For moments they sat there, the only sound around them was her muffled cries as they stayed locked in the embrace. It wasn't until it became too cold that he pulled away and started the car again.

"I can't go home." she said as she sat back against the seat, shaking unintentionally.

Eli nodded, he understood what she meant. Without even knowing it for sure, he could tell that she wasn't in her right mind and on something that her parents would also be able to tell easily, so he agreed to let her stay with him for the night. His parents would be asleep and he knew they wouldn't mind if he brought her home.

The ride was quiet. She'd managed to calm her tears as she leaned her body against him. The feeling to him was familiar and felt all too uncomfortable. The shaking, the crying, the warmth of her body leaning against his as he came down from the overwhelming rage. He bit his cheek, trying to fight off the remembered feeling and focused on the drive home instead.

When they arrived to his house, he looked over to see Clare staring out the window. Her eyes were still filled with moisture, but she'd managed to stop herself from crying as she held her arms firmly to her body.

"Are you okay?" he asked, trying to not sound as worried as he was. But he felt better as she nodded and looked over at him. He pushed his door open and stepped out into the cold night air, making his way around the front of the car to help her out from her side. He pulled her door open and held it as she placed her feet on the ground and tried to stand, but as she did he watched her quiver and held out his hands to catch her from falling.

"My legs feel shaky." she stated and he took in a breath as he pulled her too him and closed the door. Without asking for her permission he lifted her up, one arm beneath her knees and the other beneath her back. She wrapped her arms around him and hid her face in his neck. He felt the dampness of her left over tears against his neck and sighed yet again as he carried her into his house.

It was dark inside, and he was right, everyone was asleep. Trying to remain as quiet as he could, he carried her up the stairs and to his room. He crossed the small room, setting her down on his bed and then clicked on the light as he watched her try to reach forward to remove her shoes.

"Here, let me help." he said softly, kneeling down to remove them from her feet. Suddenly he felt a wave of familiarity crash over him. The situation was one he knew all too well and he cringed as he looked at the girls flushed face. It was all happening again. Here he was, in the very situation he'd tried to keep himself from getting into. His fingers shook as he pulled the final shoe from her foot and dropped it to the floor, and then pressed her back against the bed.

"Lay down." he told her as he stood back up, "I'll get you some water, but keep your eyes closed and relax."

She nodded, watching him for a moment as he went for the door before she did as he said and closed her eyes, relaxing her body against the mattress.

Slowly, he stepped down the stairs, making his way to the kitchen while trying not to wake his parents. But he realized then as he took the final step that the light was on and he wasn't the only one there. He looked up then as he entered the room and saw his mom sitting a the kitchen table, a worried look on her face.

"What's going on baby boy?" she asked and he shook his head as he crossed the room.

"I don't know what you're talking about." he said without looking at her, pulling a glass from the cupboard and filled it at the sink.

"Who's up there?" Eli looked at her then, surprised she knew someone else was in the house and then sighed. Of course she knew. She was his mom and she knew everything.

"It's no one." he took a sip from the glass without realizing he had as his eyes stayed locked with his moms.

"Eli," she began, "You can't lie to me, I'm your mom. If whoever is up there was no one then they wouldn't be up there. You don't just take care of no one."

He didn't speak, but his eyes never left hers as he shook his head.

"It's just some girl."

Cece sighed, "Some girl? What on earth are you doing with some girl?"

Again he shook his head, not because he didn't want to answer, but because he didn't have one.

"You know your father and I have no problem with you having company but if you're going to bring… a girl home we'd at least like you to let us know first or to at least ask…" Her tone became concerned and Eli's eyes widened.

"No, mom. Mom, stop. It's not like that." He assured her and she looked at him confused. He shook his head, filling the glass again with a sigh, "You wouldn't understand."

"I try to understand, I do. I try to understand with everything in me, your father and I both do, but you don't let us. How are we supposed to help you if you spend all of your time keeping us from doing so?" the tone of her voice dropped and Eli was afraid if he looked at her then that there would be tears in her eyes. He couldn't handle seeing anymore tears that night.

"I don't want your help." he said, his eyes closed to avoid contact with hers, "I don't need your help or anyone else's."

"Well what about this girl?"

Caught off guard, he looked up, his eyes shooting open and he felt relief to see she wasn't crying like he'd thought she would be.

"What about her?" he scoffed, "Like I said, it's not like that."

"Is it because she needs you?"

The annoyance in Eli rose then as he sat the glass on the counter and stared at it. He grew annoyed because he knew she was right. Clare did need him and though he'd tried desperately to avoid helping her he realized that it was exactly where he'd ended up anyways. Just like Julia, she needed him. He was taking care of her, saving her and comforting her like he'd done before. Falling back into the same routine and suddenly he felt his body shake. He shook with the knowledge that he'd again took on the role of the hero without even trying. His fists clenched against the counter as he glared at the glass and without realizing it he'd bit a hole in the side of his cheek. Wincing at the pain, he pulled back the moment he felt his mom's hand on his shoulder. He hadn't even realized she had stood beside him until then and he looked up at her.

"You can't save everyone baby. Sometimes you need saved yourself. You've just got to be willing to let people in. This girl, whoever she may be, is good for you. I've seen a change in you recently and you may not realize it but I think this girl may have something to do with that."

He pulled back, grabbing the glass as he did so and scowled, "I'm not having this conversation with you. Just, leave me alone."

He said as he stepped away, glaring hard at the ground as he stormed off, not bothering to stay quiet as he stomped back up the stairs up the stairs in a hurry to the room where Clare laid fast asleep.

He sat the glass on the desk beside the bed and began to pace back and forth. He held his hands to the back of his head as he moved quickly from one side of the room to the other and realized what exactly he'd gotten himself into. She laid in his bed, catatonic like Julia had done many times before. Without even trying, he ended up back where he swore to himself he'd never be again.

He felt it then. A feeling he'd pushed out long before and one he had swore he'd never feel again. He was actually scared. He was terrified, because this fragile human laid in his bed and he knew that just like before, he'd fallen back into the same position yet again. Like Déjà vu, it was happening once more. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. He'd sworn to himself he wouldn't end up here ever again. He'd told himself countless times that he'd never let anyone in to avoid this exact situation. He was better off alone, not having to worry about losing another life. Feeling for someone like this never ended well. If you had feelings for someone it became your job to take care of them and with that job came the chance to let them down. Julia had died, and to him it was his fault because he was supposed to be taking care of her. It was his job to protect her and in the end he failed, like he was afraid he would do the entire time. And yet here he was, standing beside his bed looking down at this delicate girl as she breathed steadily, fast asleep and his heart raced just at the sight of her. He had fallen helpless to her, unable to push away how he felt any longer and this itself had scared him more than anything else. He exhaled slowly and turned from her then, a pair of pajamas from his dresser before he left to bathroom to dress. Once he was done he returned to his room and walked back beside her. From the drawer in the desk next to the bed he pulled out a small bottle full of small white pills. He swallowed two quickly, washing them down with some of the water from the glass he'd gotten her and then looked down at her one final time. With another deep sigh he clicked off the light and crawled into the bed beside her. As he glared hard at the ceiling, trying to push away the events of the day from his mind, Clare's body rolled softly against him and her arm draped across his chest. For a moment his stomach flipped and he contemplated pulling away. But he didn't. He felt as if he couldn't and instead, he rested his fingers on top of hers and drearily closed his eyes.


	12. Follow Me Down

All he could think of was glistening green. Dark emerald swirled with onyx collected in the eyes of the girl he once loved as they blurred his vision. So striking, that when she looked at you it felt as if they almost looked right through you. It was the first thing about this beautiful girl that hit Eli and with one look he was sure that he would forever be branded as hers. With one look from her beautiful smoldering eyes, he knew. He remained mesmerized as her black hair fell into her face, the perfect offset to her pale skin, decorated with her brilliant smile that stopped his heart in his chest. Her delicate fingers had brushed his skin so many times but he never grew used to the way she made him feel with even one touch. She could raise goose bumps on his skin with a simple stroke of her finger tips but it was more than that to him. It was like she controlled him, but he didn't mind. He'd known the moment he met her that she'd have more of a hold on him that he ever would on her.  
>To Eli, Julia was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Even in dreams she stopped his heart like it was his first time seeing her all over again. She left him breathless almost daily and he woke each day finding it hard to believe that she was his. But she was. In every possible way she was his and for the most part they were happy. At least, he thought they were. But Julia changed. She had started off as this happy, free spirit of a girl but as time went by he watched as she lost the happiness and the very spirit that he loved about her. He watched her change in an instant and it killed him that he couldn't stop it. Instead he had to watch as the girl he loved let herself die slowly, killing herself with every pill she took, ever sip she drank and he did it with her, because he had never wanted her to feel alone. He wanted to make sure she was safe. So he'd take the pill first, or sniff the powder from the table before her so he could be by her side. He'd watch her and take care of her, because no matter how much he wanted to, there was no stopping her. She wasn't the kind of girl you could control. She was always and had always been better off alone but for some reason she had chosen Eli and even to present day he wasn't sure why. The only thing he was completely sure of was that he loved her and he wasn't willing to let that go and he had never taken it for granted. He had loved her and he still did, and he probably always would but she was a constant reminder of how his life had gone wrong. She was beautiful, and the best part of his life but she was corrupted and the very thing that had driven him to become the person that he now was. Julia was his life and even in death she somehow still had power over him. She was unique in the most unique way and he never imagined he could feel the way he felt about her about anyone else ever again.<br>Until Clare.

_"Julia?" His voice whispered but there was nothing around him, nothing but black. He felt as if he was sinking and his entire body fought to stay afloat but it was no use, he was falling and falling into the sea of nothingness. He held his breath as he felt himself being pulled under, the pain in his chest of his lungs without air was becoming unbearable. His mouth stayed shut but his lungs screamed at him, fighting and burning in his chest for him to breathe but he fought against it, sure that he would drown if his lips parted at all._  
><em>And then he saw her, floating in front of him. <em>  
><em>"Clare?" <em>  
><em>Her pale body was the only thing he could see in the sea of darkness but she was more beautiful than ever. Her face was peaceful and her body floated as if it was beneath water and it seemed as if she was actually smiling. Her hair floated around her face, framing it as it whipped around, drifting aimlessly and he felt his heart accelerate. He was terrified and he had no idea why but he knew that he had to get to her. He knew that he had to reach her and pull her from the darkness before it was too late. Because she was too delicate for the darkness that consumed them. He fought and fought to move forward, to try and reach her but it was no use. She was being pulled away and he felt a sense of panic as her body faded into the darkness. And as she disappeared he felt a pang of guilt and he inhaled deeply.<em>

Eli woke with a gasp as he threw himself forward, sitting up in his bed. His face was coated with a thick layer of sweat, matting his hair against his forward as he continued to try and catch his breath. His hand moved to his head and he pushed his hair from his face, trying to calm his beating heart when he noticed the girl beside him. Clare looked peaceful but her face was pale, offset against the dark circles that laid beneath her eyes. She looked sick and he felt a slight panic, accompanied with guilt as he laid his hand gently against her forehead. She was clammy, and he brushed a strand of hair from her face and let out a soft sigh. Even laying beside him looking sick she was still beautiful, he couldn't deny that. What he could deny, was the longing that ticked in the back of his brain, telling him to kiss her and make sure she was okay. He wasn't about to allow his emotions to get the best of him when he knew in his heart that he was the worst thing for her. She thought she wanted him, and maybe she did but there was nothing about his life that he believed was good for her. If she continued to try and throw herself at him she'd continue to throw herself into this darkness that consumed him and… he was willing to admit that she meant at least enough to him that he wouldn't allow himself to let it to happen. No matter how lonely he felt in the world.  
>He continued to let his thumb rub gently against the skin of her face as he watched her sleep and thought about how his life would be if things were different.<br>If he had never met Julia… could he have a future with Clare? Would he be happy? He wouldn't know the feeling of love that Julia had taught him to feel, but would he have been thrusted into this messed up life he called his own? Would he have grown addicted to the things that took away all the feelings and made him nothing at all? Would he lay in his bed at night, afraid to sleep because of the nightmares that haunted him? And the most important question of all… would he be haunted still with the thoughts of how much easier everything would be for everyone if he just wasn't there anymore? He felt a chill run down his spine as the thought spilled into his head and he tried desperately to shake it out. In an attempt to stop his brain from thinking he rolled over to the desk beside his bed, careful not to move Clare as he pulled out a small plastic bag and empty it's containments into this hand. Three small pills, that would do the trick. He slipped them into his mouth, let the plastic zip lock bag fall to the floor and then laid back as he chewed the bitter pills and let them dissolve in his mouth. Soon his mind would be too foggy and the thoughts wouldn't bother him at all. All the times he'd thought about ending his life had all blurred into a smoky vision, a light feeling and suddenly they didn't seem to matter to him anymore. He kept his eyes closed, focusing on the feeling as his hands rested behind his head and the thoughts that had plagued him moments before drifted away. Nothing seemed to matter, except for the high.  
>And he actually smiled slightly moments later when Clare's body found it's way around his own, wrapping her arm around his chest as she let out a yawn and he looked down at her face. Her eyes were open and she was watching him.<p>

"Morning." He said as she pushed herself up slightly, pressing her small hands against his chest.

She stayed quiet for a moment as she studied his face and he couldn't help but notice how much more sickly she looked as she looked up at him.

"I'm so sorry." she squeaked and his hands found her face, cupping her cheeks as he shook his head.

"Don't be, it's okay."

But she shook her head too, "It's not, I should have never gone without you. It was stupid of me and I'm really, really sorr-."

He pressed his fingers against her mouth, covering it to stop her from talking and she looked at him with wide eyes.

"Clare, shut up." He began, "It's fine. I'm just glad you're okay."

He pulled his hands away from her mouth and she looked at him hesitantly. It wasn't like him to be so light with her and she was a bit taken back by it. She pushed herself up, ran her hands through her hair and frowned.

"What's wrong?" he asked, trying to keep his eyes open from the heavy feeling that was taken over them.

"I feel like crap." She sighed and he chuckled, gaining a small glare from her.

"You look like crap too."

"Thanks."

"My pleasure."

A moment of silence passed and Clare felt herself growing uncomfortable. Eli felt himself growing light.

"Is there anything to drink?" she asked then, breaking the silence.

Eli nodded, feeling stupid that he hadn't thought of it already, "Yeah, let me get you some water."

He hadn't noticed Clare's face fall as he pushed the covers back and then got up from the bed, leaving the room.

His house was quiet and he knew it was because his parents were both gone for work, as usual. Clare and Eli had slept the day away and the sun outside was now hidden behind the trees, casting twilight around them. He chuckled to himself as he stumbled with the steps to get down them and then made his way to the kitchen. As soon as he entered it, he walked to the cupboard and pulled out a glass for Clare and then filled it with water from the faucet. But before he left the room, his eyes locked onto the liquor cabinet and his brained raced, telling him to go for it. Just one drink. It's all he needed and it wouldn't hurt him at all. One small chug and he'd head back upstairs. So he sat the glass down on the counter, opened the cabinet that his parents no longer bothered to lock and then pulled out a bottle. Dark, sweet like candy but with the same familiar burn that his body ached for. He tilted his head back and let it roll down his throat, filling him with warmth that tingled in his head. One small sip turned into a quick chug until he had downed a good portion of the bottle. Gasping, he pulled the glass from his lips and then sat it down on the counter. He placed the cap back on it, put it back in the cupboard and then grabbed Clare's glass of water before he headed back upstairs. He managed to make it to his doorway before the room started to wobbled in his vision but what he hadn't expected to see upon reentering his bedroom was the girl his heart desired, but his mind refused to give into, sitting in the middle of his floor with his photo books in her lap.

"What are you doing?" He asked, confused as her head looked up to see him.

"Oh I… I just… I was…" she stuttered as she looked away from him and back down at the photo book in her hand, "I was just looking."

"What right do you have to go through my things?" He asked as he sat the glass down on his desk, his voice raised as he moved beside her and as he did, his heart stopped. Smiling back up at him was a couple he once knew. Both of them with dark hair, dark clothes but bright eyes and smiles that screamed at you with happiness. The boys arms were around the girl, holding her close to him by her waist and she was laughing as she leaned her head back against his neck. There was lipstick on his cheek, where she had planted a kiss only moments before the picture was taken and he could have sworn that the two of them looked like a happy couple. They were a happy couple, but a couple that were strangers to him. He and Julia looked like two completely different people in the picture. You would have never been able to tell it was either of them anymore. Not only because Julia was dead now, but because they hadn't been that happy couple for long before she had even passed away. No, that happy couple was just as dead months ago as she was now… and he had died with her. That smiling couple in the picture was now six feet under the ground.  
>Which explained why as he slid down to the floor beside her, why he couldn't feel his heart beating at all. It was six feet below and he couldn't feel it anymore.<p>

"You guys looked so happy," Clare began, her eyes still looking at the photo.

Eli swallowed hard to push down the lump in his throat and shook his head, "Things aren't always what they appear to be."

He hoped she couldn't hear the crack in his voice but she had, and she turned the page to quickly change the subject. But with each flip of the page, more painful memories came flooding in. It was a happy book with memories that no longer existed. More pictures of him with Julia, pictures of him with his family. All in which he was smiling. He didn't recognize that boy anymore and that smile was something he hadn't seen in a long time.  
>Clare couldn't have been more interested though. Because just like this boy was now a stranger to him, he was one to her as well. In the time she'd known him, she'd never seen him happy like in these pictures. Pictures of him smiling, laughing, kissing this beautiful girl's cheek. She wanted to feel jealous about it like she should have, but she couldn't bring herself to. Because all she could think about was how he seemed truly happy. She let her finger trail along the edge of the page and stopped on a picture. It was a self taken picture of him and the same mysterious girl. They were both soaking wet and in the background you could see a river. They were laughing and Clare couldn't help but feel her heart swell.<p>

"What's the story of this picture?" she asked, letting the curiosity get the best of her.

She turned to face him and in the brief moment that she did, she could smell the sweet sent of the alcohol on his breath, but she didn't mention it because he started to speak. His eyes seemed to light up, but his expression stayed blank.

"We had just jumped off of the bridge. Julia dared me that I wouldn't do it, said I was too afraid but… I proved her wrong….."

_"I'm not saying that I don't think you can do it, I'm just saying that I don't think you will."_  
><em>Eli's eyes rolled as he laid back against his the ground. It was summer, and the sun was so hot it was almost unbearable. No on could doubt that it was one of the hottest days they'd had that summer but to Eli's dismay, Julia had wanted to leave the house instead of staying inside the sanctities of air conditioning. Instead, she'd dragged him to the river. A river in which up above them was a city bridge, covered in constant passing cars and much higher up that Eli preferred to think of jumping off of.<br>_  
><em>"You think that I won't because…?"<br>_  
><em>Julia smiled and his heart stopped, just as it always did when she flashed her brilliant teeth at him.<br>_  
><em>"Because you're too afraid of course. I on the other hand, have never been braver."<br>_  
><em>Eli laughed, "Oh, so you're going to jump off of it?"<br>_  
><em>She nodded, "But only if you come with me."<br>_  
><em>"See, that's totally unfair. You claim to know that I won't do it, so you can brag about being brave enough but claim that you won't do it unless I do, because you're confident that I won't do it."<br>_  
><em>She raised an eyebrow, "So will you do it?"<br>_  
><em>His eyes narrowed, "Will you shut up about it?"<br>_  
><em>She smirked but grinned as she jumped up and held her hand out to him, "Let's do this."<br>_  
><em>It was long before either of the had fallen into the madness of consumption of drugs and other things. It was happier time, a time Eli wished had never changed. It was so easy to let this beautiful girl lead him up and across a busy bridge to jump from it when she had him wrapped around every single one of her fingers, so easily. He let her lead him, because he had no mind of his own. She was his mind. She was his everything and as his everything she had full control over him.<br>_  
><em>"Are you ready?" she whispered in his ear as they stood over the ledge of the bridge, looking down at the rushing water beneath him. He felt paralyzed by the fear and shook his head, barely hearing the laugh that left her lips.<br>_  
><em>"You can do it," she smiled, "I have all the faith in the world in you. I love you."<br>_  
><em>And with those three words, his body thawed. It was the very first time she'd ever told him that she loved him and in those few seconds he felt as if he could do anything. Jumping from the bridge seemed like child's play. So he took her hand, they counted to three and then lunged from the bridge. The fall seemed as if it lasted forever. All he could focus on was the wind rushing past them, his heart pounding in his chest and the warmth of Julia's hand in his own. Adrenaline rushed through him as he held his breath and they hit the water. His hand had lost Julia's seconds before they had hit and he felt the cold surround him instantly. His chest ached and he became disorientated and panic struck him. Not because he was lost in the rushing water of the river, but because he was afraid she would be too. He pushed forward and pulled at the water, hurrying to reach the surface an as soon as he did, he gasped for air.<br>_  
><em>"Julia!" he called out, looking around like crazy in every direction as he held his place in the water. Relief washed over him the moment he heard her laugh and he looked in it's direction, seeing her sitting on the shore.<br>_  
><em>"Come here." she called out to him and he chuckled as he hurried to her. She helped him up and they both laid on their backs, trying to calm their breaths.<br>_  
><em>"I knew you'd do it." she said, breaking the silence after a few moments.<br>_  
><em>"I thought you said I wouldn't?" he asked curiously.<br>_  
><em>She shook her head, "You're a lot braver than you think Eli. Sometimes you just need a little push."<br>_  
><em>He stayed silent, thinking of her words and waited for a short while more before he decided to speak again.<br>_  
><em>"You know what?" he said, his breaths finally calming.<br>_  
><em>"Hmm?" she said, her face tilting towards him but she kept her eyes closed as the sun hit her face.<em>  
><em>He felt his heart beat quicken and he smiled at her before he pressed his lips lightly to her own.<br>_  
><em>"I love you too."<em>

"Wow." Clare said, staring down at the picture, "That's a beautiful story."

Eli stayed emotionless the entire time he had told her but as she spoke these words his brow furrowed, "It was beautiful. It isn't anymore. It's pointless. Meaningless."

"No, memories are never meaningless."

"Well that one is." he snapped at her and she shrunk back slightly, "These all are."

He pulled the book from her hand and stood from the floor, walking over to the trashcan in his room and dropped the photo book into it.  
>She watched as he stood there, motionless for a moment and she chewed the corner of her lip. What started out as a way to try and make him smile ended badly and she felt like it was all her fault.<p>

"I'm sorry…" she began as she pushed herself up from the floor and took a few small steps towards him. Eli let out a deep sigh, ran his hands through his hair and turned towards her. He looked at her, a frown evident on his face and shook his head without saying a word.

"I didn't mean to…" she took a few more steps forward and placed her hand gently on his shoulder, "I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's whatever." he said but she could feel that he was tense beneath her touch. She felt a sudden rush of self loathing as she looked into his sad eyes. She could tell that his reminiscing of the old memories had plummeted his mood and it was her fault. She had to do something to make it better.

"Hey…" she began, a warm smile spread across her face, "Let's get out of here, we'll go do something."

Eli looked at her with a blank face, accessing her words and lifted an eyebrow, "What do you have in mind?"

She shrugged, "I don't know? Maybe… we could go…"

She began to speak but Eli knew already what she was going to suggest.

"No." he said sternly, "You are never going back there, are you crazy?"

She shrugged and huffed lightly, "Well what else is there for us to do? Go see a movie or something?"

The sarcasm was heavy in her tone but Eli couldn't help but think about how normal of a suggestion that was. A movie between friends… between… whatever it was that they were. In another life, maybe they could do something as simple as watching movies together. After all that was something normal that people did. But they weren't normal. He wasn't normal and nothing about their relationship, whatever it was, was normal. He felt his stomach quake as he thought about the two of them sitting alone in a dark theatre… eating snacks, laughing, the possibility of holding her hand… But somewhere in his mind the light curly haired girl shifted into the dark haired girl of his past as another memory tried to rush in, but he shook his head quickly to erase it from his mind.

"No, no movie." he grunted, feeling a knot form in his throat. Something normal wouldn't work for him. He needed to forget. He needed to fill his mind with fog so that the memories he'd so unwillingly been reminded of that morning would have no room to fit in. And as he thought about forgetting, he thought of an idea. A abnormal place for the abnormal person that he was. And the abnormal girl he'd seemed to acquire by his side along the way.

"Call Alli." he spoke without looking at her, his thoughts still far away.

"Why?"

"Tell her you need her to cover for you again tonight, we're going out."

Clare felt her stomach flutter as his eyes suddenly locked with hers, wild with something in them that set her heart racing.

"Drink your water, I'll get you some aspirin and then I'm gonna jump in the shower."

But before he could turn from her she grabbed his hand and stopped him. He looked back down at her reddened eyes and she tilted her head, "Water? I was thinking maybe I could… have something a little stronger….?"

Eli looked back at her confused, "Do you want coffee?"

Clare shook her head, biting the edge of her lip. Eli was afraid he knew what she was asking for but in defense played dumb, trying not to think that after the previous night that it was something she'd ask for.

"Do you think your parents locked their liquor cabinet?"

Eli sighed and pulled his hand out of hers, ignoring the fact that he instantly yearned for the connection again.  
>"Yeah sorry, it's locked."<p>

Her bright blue eyes narrowed at him, "You don't have to lie to me Eli, don't think I didn't smell the alcohol on your breath the moment you came back into the room."

He gritted his teeth, clenching his jaw with annoyance, "Look. I don't know what you want from me, or why you've leeched yourself on to me but I'm doing the best that I can. Just… call Alli, okay? We're going out and you'll have all the illegal substances your little heart could desire. But for now," he picked up the glass and held it out for her, "Drink the damn water."

Reluctantly, Clare took the glass from him and placed it to her lips.


	13. Dance With Me

Dingy. The only word Clare could think of to describe the place was dingy. At least that's how it looked on the outside. She was sure she'd never been to this side of town before, because none of the buildings looked familiar but the moment Eli parked Morty and they approached the place he'd taken her she thought for a moment he was taking her out to eat. It looked like a restaurant, glowing open sign in the window and everything but it was dark and no one seemed to be there. She thought they would go through the front door but was confused when Eli pulled her to the side of the building and they began down a side alley to it, even darker in it than the place had looked itself.

"Where are we going?" She asked, following close behind him as he continued on.

He didn't reply to her but her question was answered as they turned yet again, and before them were steps going down to a door.

'Is that a basement….?" she asked still confused on their location.

He nodded, and Clare slid her hand into his. She was sort of terrified, not knowing where they were or where he was taking her but to her immense relief, he didn't pull away. Instead he lead her down the dark steps and then placed his free hand on the door handle and pulled it open.

Instantly they were rushed with the sound of base from inside. They were in a hallway now, the light blue walls were filthy with what seemed like years of never being clean. It made Clare her slightly nauseous and she jumped a bit as the door fell closed behind them. But her hand was still in Eli's and he hadn't pulled away and everything else didn't really seem to matter to her as she squeezed it lightly and he continued to lead her down the hallway. It was dim, but the sound of the music got louder and as they reached another set of double doors it was almost unbearably loud and she knew they had reached their destination. Eli pushed the door open and Clare stood closer to his body, looking over his shoulder into the room they'd just entered. It would have been dark, she was sure, if a multitude of colored lights weren't spinning around in every directions, flickering above them. The entire area of the room was filled with people, some dancing, some sitting at tables and some doing unmentionable things against walls and in corners and trying to hide themselves in the dark areas that laid scattered around the place.

"Eli…" she began hesitantly, still thrilled that he hadn't pulled himself away from her, "Where exactly are we?"

Eli chuckled, wrapped his arm around her neck and smiled, "Relax, it's time to have fun."

They had found there way to a table and Eli had pulled a flask from his back pocket, a mixed concoction he'd created from the cabinet before they'd left and held it out to Clare. She looked at it, thinking for a moment and then grabbed it. The metal was cold in her hands as she wrapped her small fingers around it and unscrewed the cap. She pulled it to her nose and took in a whiff, instantly regretting it.

"Ugh, what is in this?" she asked holding it back and Eli chuckled.

"Just drink it. That's what you wanted right? Something a bit stronger?"

Clare let out a soft sigh before she placed the opening of it to her lips, holding her breath in making sure not to smell and then took a gulp of it. She tried her hardest not to gag from the mixture. Eli would laugh at her if she did, and she wanted to impress him. So instead she clenched her teeth closed for a few moments and then took another drink.

Eli watched her intently. It was surprising to him how quick and easily she'd taken to doing the things he did. Part of him wanted to test her, to see just how far she was willing to go but a larger part of him wanted to protect her and keep her as far away from his lifestyle as he could. The biggest problem was her unwillingness to stay away and he felt guilt at the fact that he wasn't pushing her to do so. She held the flask out to him and he took it back, not even thinking as he took a drink from it and then screwed the cap back on before shoving it back into his pocket.

"You know this," Clare began as she looked around at the loud room. She had to raise her voice so he could hear her over the blasting music, "This surprises me."

Eli furrowed his brows, "What do you mean?"

"I don't know… isn't this a little to hyper active for you? It's just surprising."

Eli shook his head and chuckled. He knew what she meant. This rave, for all intensive purposes, was a bit too eccentric for him but it wasn't the environment that drew him in. What drew him in was the free substances that seemed to find their away around the room and just as he had that very thought he pushed himself up from the chair.

"Don't move." he said sternly and Clare took his words seriously as she watched him walk away and disappear into the crowd of dancing people.

She studied her surroundings. People were flailing around, dancing with others as if they had no worries in the world, rubbing their bodies against each others in some of the most provocative ways. Old Clare would have cared. Old Clare would have been disgusted by these acts and want to leave the moment they'd arrived. But she wasn't the old Clare anymore. Instead of those thoughts, her mind was filled with wonder of whether or not Eli would ever want to dance with her like that. Her stomach began to flutter as she thought about having his hands on her body, moving against her or pressing his own body against hers. She watched as the lights danced around the crowd and she focused on the people, imagining her and Eli doing exactly as they were and she became mesmerized by the movement. And then one of the guys in the crowd managed to attach his lips to the girl he was dancing with and Clare felt a blush fill her cheeks. But she couldn't look away. Instead she watched as their kissed deepened and she found her thoughts imagining that it was her and Eli and her heart began to speed. It wasn't until Eli sat back beside her that she pulled her attention away and looked at him. He could tell even in the darkness that she was flushed and he tilted his head.

"You okay?" he asked and she nodded quickly, shaking the previous thoughts from her head but unable to keep herself from looking at his lips.

"Where'd you go?" She asked, taking in a deep breath.

He smiled and held out his hand. Laying in his palm were two colored pills. One pink, and one green. She noticed the familiarity of the pills and looked up at him with skeptical eyes.

"I don't…" she began, "Should I be taking that…? Last night…"

Eli smiled a warm smile and suddenly she felt a lot safer, "You're with me this time, I won't let anything happen to you."

For some reason, she trusted his words and she reached out and picked the small pink pill up with her fingers. Eli held the green one between his thumb and index finger and grinned a devious look on his face.

"Chew it, it'll hit you faster."

The way he said the words sent a chill down Clare's spine but she nodded before placing the tiny pill to her tongue. Their eyes remained locked together as she crushed it between her teeth, feeling it break into powdered in her mouth before it dissolved down her throat. Eli must have done the same because he smiled then.

"You know Edwards," he began, "You're not so bad."

She felt her heart flutter in an escalading way and smiled.

Eli watched her smile, unable to look away. Even in the short time that he'd left her there he couldn't stop thinking about her. As he searched the room for some sort of substantial escape, all he could think about was getting back to her to make sure she was okay. He didn't want to pull her into his world but if keeping an eye on her meant allowing her to do these things with him then he'd rather do that then worry about her running off to do them herself. He didn't want to be that guy anymore, he didn't want to take care of someone else and have their life in his hands but for some reason, with this girl, he couldn't seem to not care and pull away. So instead he let her come along with him, making sure she was safe by his side. And as the rush of the pill kicked in to his mind, he could tell she would be feeling it soon too.

The rush hit Clare like a moving truck, but a light one that filled her mind with clouds. She felt ten times lighter and she felt like an electrical current buzzed on the surface of her skin, making everything she touched feel a million times more incredible. Eli watched her as she giggled and touched the things around them and he sat back, enjoying the feeling of euphoria. He was perfectly content watching her. He felt as if he could do it all night. Because to him, the sight of her felt more amazing that anything he could possibly touch. Except maybe her skin, or her hair, or her lips…

He was stopped mid thought the moment her hand grabbed his and he looked down at their now intertwined fingers. His eyes moved slowly from her hand, to her arm and up further until he reached her eyes and admired the smile on her face.

"Come on." she squeaked and he looked back at her confused before she pulled him from his seat and towards the middle of the room.

"Clare, what are you doing?" he laughed as they squeezed their way through the people around them, dancing mindlessly without any notice that they were there.

"Dance with me." she said as she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Now, there was no denying that he was high. He felt like a balloon filled with helium being pushed around by fast wind, but there was nothing in him that wanted to dance. Not now, not ever. The only thing he even seemed to enjoy at that moment was the fact that Clare was pressing her body against his. She looked up at him, biting her lips as she slid her hands slowly down from his neck and to his chest. His heart was racing, but he wasn't sure if it was from the drug or from the fact that she was touching him so closely or moving her body provocatively against him.

"Dancing isn't really my thing…" he said hesitantly, trying to find the annoyance in him but finding it impossible to do. Everything about him in that moment was light and happy and even the feeling of her fingers against him sent an electrical jolt through his body, igniting him with uncontrollable lust. His breathing picked up as Clare's body moved against his and his hands moved to her waist, trying to hold her still but it was no use and he was losing the will to care enough to try and stop her. And then a plan hit him. He dipped his head down low, and in the exactly right moment, he pressed his lips firmly to hers. Almost instantly she stopped, her arms around his neck and her body melted against his as the kiss continued. Their lips moved together almost melodically, parting slightly for air before they pressed them together again, connecting in the very way they'd both been longing for way longer than they were willing to admit. Eli couldn't help but feel like it was the most incredible kiss he'd ever had, but he thought maybe for a second that it was the drugs and alcohol talking. But no, it was more than that. It was a longing, a constant longing that he'd been fighting since the moment he'd returned his backpack to him in the nurses office that afternoon. It was a constant lust he'd been trying to fight back but had found it harder and harder to do every single day, building up bigger and bigger until this very moment when he no longer could hold it in. His mind was fuzzy, trickling with think murk as he fought through it, sliding his hands beneath her shirt to the warm skin of her stomach. And what delighted him, was that she didn't seem to mind. Instead, she thankfully kissed him back, continuing to press her body firmly against his and his body continued to buzz warmly.

"Follow me." he mumbled the words so quietly as he broken the kiss and laced his fingers in her before leading her from the room to a door off on the side. She didn't even ask questions, she was too far gone to even worry about it and the truth was, she trusted him though at the moment trust wasn't something she was too worried about. To be completely honest, all she wanted to do was kiss him again. And again and again and again. It was an uncontrollably urge that seemed to have filled her completely the moment she'd crushed the pill between her teeth. Her mind was so fuzzy that she was losing slight moments in time. Like she couldn't quite pin point how they'd ended up back from where they'd came, leaving through the doors they'd arrived in and were headed through the exit to the outside world. The cold rush from the night air hit her cheeks, instantly sending her mind into a flurry as her skin rushed pink, but she didn't care. All she cared about was the fact that Eli's hand was still holding hers and that he was leading her somewhere. It wasn't until they approached Morty that she realized exactly where they were but even then her mind was fuzzy and didn't quite assess the situation. Eli pulled his hand away only long enough for him to unlock the back of Morty and then he turned back to her, grabbing her by the waist and pressed her into the back of the car. She hadn't exactly imagined her first time being in the back of a hearse, but at that moment she wasn't really thinking and she didn't really seem to care. He crawled over her, looking down into her clear blue eyes and then dipped down to press his lips to hers.

Eli was wild with lust, aching for a deeper connection. It was like his mind was screaming at him to kiss her harder, to touch more of her, and for her to touch more of him. His lips broke from hers as he pressed them to her neck, nibbling and sucking on her skins and she lifted her legs up, pressing them around him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he let his lips dance across her delicate skin. Her breaths quickened as her fingers laced with his black hair. His heart beat against her so rapidly that she was surprised it was even beating at all. It reminded her of the wings of a hummingbird and she let her head lull back against the bed of the hease. His hands slid down beneath her shirt, again touching the warm skin of her sides, and let his finger tips brush with the edge of her jeans. He pulled his lips back from her neck and found hers again, sliding his tongue across her lips, parting them to make contact with her own. Her heart was in her throat and her mind was racing with fifteen million different thoughts and emotions. The pill she had taken was affecting her in too many ways. She didn't know whether to focus on his lips against hers, the tangled mess of their tongues or the incredible feeling of his fingers against her skin. Or was it the way his hips were moving against her, gaining small moans from her? Either way she couldn't seem to keep her mind on one thing. It was like she had the attention span of a child, wanting to take in every single sensation at once. Eli couldn't seem to stop himself either. The lust that had harbored in him for so long had fought it's way out and was uncontrollable. Like a monster in a cage now free to do as it pleased and he was doing just that. Ravishing Clare was the number one thing on it's list.

Pleasure was his favorite way to forget things. When you were in the heat of the moment it was hard to focus on anything else but just that. The pleasure of a touch, of a moment shared with someone else. Someone that didn't even have to mean a thing to you. It took over your entire body, burning in your veins, clouding your mind as it erupted in you. More effective than any pill or liquid you could find. His favorite high. He had spent countless nights with girls whose named he didn't even know. Clawing at his back, tugging at his hair, connecting with him long enough for him to forget everything for just a moment longer. And that was exactly what he was about to do. Forget about his life. Forget about the memories. Forgetting was all he seemed to care about anymore. He ran away from his past and he'd keep on running for as long as it took. Even if it took forever. His head felt like a cloud, floating through the sky, blown gently past with the wind. Each of his body parts were their own cloud, separate parts of his body blowing together. His head felt like the lights in the room, spinning around, his mind not quick enough to keep up and he longed for Clare's touch.  
>Clare's hands wrapped around him, pulling him closer and a moan escaped from her throat. He took it as incentive and pulled back before he lifted her shirt from her body and over her head. She was a little caught off at first but looked up into Eli's eyes. They were wild, filled with lust and glazed over with a look she'd never seen before. It was like he was longing to kiss her again, and so he did. His hands moved over her body freely now, not caring about if it was too much and she felt him press harder against her as his fingers slid to her neck. They each took in a breath as their mouths opened together, moving together as he then moved his hands back down her body, sliding them over her chest, over her stomach and to the button of her jeans. He undid them quickly, without a word and then before she could even think about it he slid his hands into them, behind the waste band of her underwear and touched her lightly. The hearse was filled with the sound of her moan as she pulled back from the kiss and her mouth fell open. He didn't stop, moving his fingers to rub against her and she tensed her body. She wanted him, he knew that much and he wanted the satisfying pleasure. It was like a repeated action in his mind. The same moment played out with a new girl. He knew how it went. He knew what to do and how to do it to get what he wanted. Just like every time before.<p>

But was it like every time before…? Was she like every other girl he'd taken to filthy bathrooms? Random girls he'd fucked on random beds and left in the morning without another word? He tried to push the thought out of his head, but something happened then that made it impossible to do.

"Eli…" Clare moaned his name. Her small voice echoed throughout the vehicle and something stuck him then. He stopped what he was doing and pulled back, looking into her feverish eyes and took in a sharp breath. It was different. It wasn't like every other time because she was different. She actually meant something to him and it had taken him this long to realize it. Here she was before him, her chest heaving up and down with slight confusion on her face as she wondered why he had stopped what he was doing. She was so much more to him than he'd thought. She was more to him than a night full of high pleasure. He wasn't going to take her virtue, not like this. He placed his hands to the surface beneath them and pushed himself away from her.

"I can't." he said. His mind was surprisingly clear for the first time since he'd taken the pill and he looked back at her. She looked disappointed and he knew that second what she was thinking.

"Why?" she asked confused and he handed her back her shirt.

"I can't do this with you, not like this."

"What, you don't want me…. is that is?" She hissed as she sat up.

"Clare, that's not is it's just-"

She cut him off, "What's wrong then? I'm practically throwing myself at you and you're saying no?"

"I just don't want to do this with you, I can't. This isn't right…" he started and sighed, swallowing hard.

"You don't want to have sex… with me." she looked hurt, as if his rejection was personal, "It's not that you're opposed to having sex, just if it's with me."

"That's not it!" but before he could explain himself she shook her head and yanked her shirt back on.

"You know, I don't understand you Eli. One minute you're perfectly fine with this, with what we're doing and then the next minute you're giving me the cold shoulder. You keep leading me on and it's messing with my head. You're a real jerk."

"Clare, it's not that it's just, I'm not going to take your virginity while we're high in the back of my hearse."

"If it was anyone else you would! What if this is what I want? What if I just want you? Do you hate the thought of me so badly that you can't even handle the thought of having sex with me? When you so willingly have it with any girl willing to give it up?"

But that's where she was wrong. Because more than anything, he wanted to have sex with her. He knew there was no denying that. But he didn't want to have sex with her then. Not there, not how they were in the very spot where he'd had sex with so many other nameless girls.

"It just… it means more to you than this…"

"How the hell do you know what means anything to me?" She growled as she pushed herself to the back of the car and pushed open the door, but before she could rush out he grabbed her wrist.

"Because I-" he stopped mid sentence, seeing the tears in her eyes and a sharp pain hit him in the chest. He'd caused her to cry. There wear tears in her eyes and they were coming from him, and it was affecting him more than he'd thought it would. Because she meant more to him now. The stakes were set high and he was falling back into the same familiar place that he didn't want to be. He didn't want the ability to affect her. He didn't want to be able to hurt her, not anymore than he already had.  
>"You're right." he said, his face blank, "I don't want you. I don't even want to think about it."<p>

Her face looked stricken with pain at his words and his gut twisted in agony.

"So this is it, this is where it ends with us."

"Clare, there is no us. There never was…"

Her face distorted with his words as if he had stabbed her in the chest.

"Still?" She began, he could see her temper rising, "Are you still ignoring this?"

He watched as she motioned her hands between them and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Clare, what part of this don't you understand? There is no this. There is no us and there never has been. This constant back and forth is more exhausting than my life and I can barely keep up with it let alone you."

"What more do you want from me?" She hissed at him, her lips turned down in a frown, "I have done everything. I have been everything that you could need and you keep pushing me away and shutting me out. If you think this is exhausting imagine what it's like for me!"

"Do you hear yourself Clare? You haven't been everything I need because I don't need anything. I don't need you and I don't need anyone. I don't want you. I don't want to care about you and I will deny you every single time you try to make _us_ happen."

The upset look found it's way back to Clare's face, as if Eli has smacked her across the cheek.

"Then stop… " her voice cracked, "Stop coming after me. Stop trying to save me. Stop getting my hopes up that you care if you're just going to keep knocking me down."  
>She pushed herself the rest of the way from the hearse, entering the dark, cold night outside of it.<p>

Eli watched as she walked further away and his mind raced. He watched as the one thing that had brought him back to life, that had pulled him from his continuous, dark lull of a life, walk away.


	14. Hit It Again

_If stupidity had any correct name or definition I would be it. It seems like ever since Clare came into my life I can't do anything right. I haven't spoken to her in almost a month... but that's a good thing, right? I wanted to believe that, but being at school seemed a lot more monotone when she wasn't bugging me. It sounds so stupidly cliché but it's like when she left that night she took the small bit of color that had filled my life away from me. How stupid is that? My world became black and white. One dreary long day of torment after the other. Couldn't she see that I just... cared about her? I mean couldn't she understand how hard that is for me? To let someone into my life after what happened? But it was truly my fault. I had said the words that had made her run away. I had been so unreasonably rude to her. Just the thought made my blood boil. I honestly don't think though that she realizes how hard it was for me to turn her away. What I wouldn't give to make her heart race... to run my fingers through her hair as her breaths quickened. To make her feel... well let's just say, turning her away was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. What is wrong with me? I would have jumped at the chance to sleep with a cute girl like her, no questions asked. I would have done it and never thought twice about it afterwards. But I couldn't get the vision of her laying beside me after everything was said and done out off my mind. I didn't want to just take advantage of her like that. It's really shitty, you know? She wanted into my life so badly and the moment I let her she just... never mind. It's stupid and pointless. Maybe it's for the best that when she sees me in the hallway she glares and turns the other way. Of course it's for the best. I'm the last person she needs in her life, and she's the last I need in mine. But it kills me to watch her with the scummy guys I see her with now. Guys I've seen around. Ones that would gladly take advantage of her if they had the chance. Whatever. It's not my right to care. She doesn't need me to hurt her, to fuck up her life in the way she wants me to or at least thinks she wants me to. She's too good for that. Too good for me. I wish she would have just listened to me in the first place. I wish she'd never walked into the nurses office that day. It would have been better for the both of us. In a way I hate her for coming into my life and messing it up so completely. I had a good thing going. I didn't care about anything or anyone and now... well now she doesn't want anything to do with me and that's how it should be. That's how it should stay. She's.. nothing to me._

_But why can't I stop thinking about her? I can't help from allowing myself a tiny sliver of hope that when she sees me in the hallway that she won't look away. I can't stop thinking about her eyes, and the way she sees right through me and all the stupid shit I say. It's like she's the only person who actually knows me, even though I've only known her for such a short time. But if you want me to be completely honest that scares me more than anything. She can hear me say something and know the real truth about it and what I really mean. Like when I tell her that I don't want her around, she knows it's a lie. She knows that what I really mean is that when she's not around I fall back into feeling like nothing... like my life is nothing. Completely pointless and like I have to swallow another pill or drown myself in alcohol just to prove that I'm still alive. I mean what am I anymore? Some asshole who let his ex-girlfriend kill herself. I was supposed to be protecting her. I turn my head for one second... and she's dead. She's dead and she's never coming back. The fear, and the paranoia that fills me when I think of the same thing happening to Clare... it overwhelms me with this horrible anxiety. Like a wave of panic rushes over me and I feel like I'm going to freak out. I can't protect her like I want to. I can't watch her every second and the longer she's near me the more chance she has of falling into the corrupted life I have. The same I shared with Julia and the one that took her away from me. I can't have that with Clare. I cant have that happen to her. So maybe... her being mad at me is for the best. I'm the bad guy, the screw up. The one your parents warned you to stay away from and I actually doubted that her parents even knew I existed. Why would they? I'm not exactly the pride and joy parents hope their daughters would get mixed up with. Clare and I, we're polar opposites. The type of people who don't need to be in each others lives so the fact that we're no longer talking is definitely for the better._

The bell rang and Eli shut his journal as he collected his things and pushed himself from his desk. He really only came for his parents these days. The school had started calling the house, telling them when he didn't show up and his behavior was starting to worry them. If only they knew the truth. They'd be a lot more than just worried about him. He hadn't gone back to that familiar house since the night he'd saved Clare from the bathroom and he hadn't really found pleasure in the things he used to. He was even more alone now than ever. He thought of it as punishment. A crappy solitude for the crappy way he'd screwed up his life and the people around him. But how was it fair? That the things he used to do and love were haunted by this girl who should mean nothing to him? He hurried from the class room, avoiding eye contact with all of the people around him, especially Clare. Class with her was like torture. Not because he had trouble keeping his eyes off of her, but because he knew she had no problem keeping her eyes off of him. Sometimes he had to fight looking at her because he so badly wanted to believe that she was looking back but every time he had taken a chance in staling a glance at her, she was looking at the front of the room ignoring his existence completely. It was hard to believe she even knew he was there at all with how she acted and it made his stomach drop at the thought. He just wanted to get from the room as fast as he could and not even worry about the chance of running into her. With his journal tucked tightly beneath his arm he hurried from the class and out of the school to his car. It was lunch break but he wasn't about to stick around and slum it with the rest of his Degrassi alumni. Instead he tossed his journal into the open window and leaned against Morty's hood as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket. His new venom. He figured smoking would at least hold him over until he got out of this purgatory of a place. He was just there for his parents sake but the last time he'd come home fucked up his mom nearly cried herself to death as he laid sprawled out on the couch, tracing circles on the ceiling with his eyes that weren't really there. The fiasco with Clare had really messed him up. If he had once believed it was impossible for him to be messed up even worse, Clare had definitely proven him wrong. He preferred being under the influence more now than he ever did before. When he was drunk or higher than a kite it was harder for her eyes to haunt him, harder for him to remember her name and harder for him to say no when some random girl wanted to show him a good time. Who was he now? He hardly recognized the person he'd become since she'd entered his life. Hadn't he once hidden from the emerald eyes of his past love? Now his dreams were haunted by two brilliant sets of eyes. Once judging him for their past, the other judging him for her future. He'd become accustom to pills that would keep him awake. Sometimes he would stay up for days, as many as humanly possible and then crash so hard a hurricane couldn't have woken him. But even then sometimes the nightmares got through. Heavy, dark and almost intangible he'd wake with a gasp, completely unaware of what he was afraid of. Hardly able to remember or make out what silhouetted his nightmares. But he knew that the only thing that could affect him strong enough to pull him from his lifeless slumber was the raven haired love of his past or the golden haired beauty that had forced her way into his life and then pulled away.

He wasn't going to care about her anymore. He wasn't going to care about some girl that meant nothing to him months before. She'd mean nothing to him now just as she had then. And wouldn't it seem to be so easy? A month had passed and they hadn't even shared a word since she'd walked away again. How many times was this now? It seemed like all she ever did was walk away from him. But she was right, he always chased after her. Always caring too much, always afraid to let her stay away. Because as much as he hated the thought of her being in his world with him, he hated the thought of her being in it alone a hundred times more. But what he hated the most was the dependence he had growing on this girl. So he heightened his dependence on other things instead. Starting with the nicotine he now sucked in through his lips. He let the light feeling wash over him as he exhaled the smoke and watched it disappear in front of him. He repeated the action when he heard the sound of footsteps walking in his direction. He contemplated putting it out incase it was a teacher but the truth was, he really didn't care.

"I don't know what's more shocking," her voice rang, catching his attention, "The fact that you still forget your backpack or the fact that you're smoking something legal."

He looked up to see Clare, her cheeks rosy and her hair its usual curly mess as she lifted his backpack in her hand.

He let out a deep breath of smoke he had inhaled and shrugged as he flicked the ashes on the ground.

"Thanks again." He said as he brought the cigarette back to his lips.

"You know," she began as she leaned against the car beside him, "I've actually got a pack of those of my own. One of the senior boys bought it for me."

"Oh really?" He raised an eyebrow, "What did you have to do in return?"

"Does it really matter?" She replied quickly, her voice careless. He didn't reply. He was too shocked by the fact that she was standing beside him after a month with no word.

_Stop caring. _he reminded himself and with each puff of the stick in his hands it was turning out to be easier than he thought it would be. He'd imagined this moment a few times, but he'd figured there would be more harsh words and a little more physical pain.

Clare dropped his backpack at his feet and reached into her coat pocket, pulling out the unopened pack she said she had. She proceeded to open it in front of him and he watched as her little fingers fumbled to pull one out. She moved it between her fingers, just examining it like she was trying to figure out how it worked and Eli tried to decide whether or not he should have laughed. Here she was, holding a cigarette as if it was a foreign object and yet she had no trouble smoking pot from a pipe or downing a glass of alcohol. He found it ironic that the one legal thing was the one thing she had trouble doing. Without a word of his own, he pulled a lighter from his jeans and held it out to her, flicking it to light the flame. He finally allowed himself to look her in the eyes, the same eyes that had plagued his mind for so long and had to catch his breath before he spoke.

"You sure you want to do this?" He asked.

She hesitated for a moment, testing his expression and then held it out to be lit. The flame tickled the end of the cigarette as it caught fire and he pulled the lighter back causing it to go out. As he did, Clare brought the thing to her lips very slowly.

"You don't care?" She asked in disbelief as she paused, "I thought by now you'd be begging me to stop. Telling me how stupid I am and how I don't belong doing this sort of thing."

"Does it really matter?" He spit her words back out at her and her face fell slightly as she placed her lips around the end and inhaled. He didn't watch. It didn't matter how little he pretended to care about her, he knew it wasn't something he wanted to see. But it was hard for him to keep his eyes off of her. Lucky for him, as he went to turn his head she began to cough uncontrollably.

"Oh God!" She groaned, "That tastes horrible."

Now, he couldn't help but laugh. For a second he saw a glimpse of the girl he once knew. The girl he'd sat beside in his car that had taken her first sip of alcoholic substance. She seemed so different then, so fragile and harmless. Now she seemed like anything but that to him. She was strong, he knew that but she was also anything but harmless. She was his total self destruction put into one girl. She was his timely demise set in a petite figure. She could ruin him and a part of him felt as if she already had. That is she would have, had he not already been completely ruined before they had even met.

Her face grimaced now as she looked at the small white stick in front of her. A curious look that almost worried him. He'd seen it many times before.

"Ugh... how do you do that?" She asked as she watched him place his lips around the end and inhale. All he did was shrug.

"I've done worse. You get used to it."

He looked at her as she brought it back to her lips and took a smaller drag. She still grimaced but this time she didn't cough. He could almost hardly recognize her as she stood there beside him. The girl she used to be was now hidden behind this girl begging for attention. He knew that it was really what this was all about but he couldn't figure out how to be the guy to give it to her.

Silence fell around them as they continued to smoke without a word. It wasn't until he'd gotten to the end of his that the bell rang. He dropped it to the ground and stepped on it, crushing it beneath his shoe before he began to head back to class but was stopped by the feeling of Clare's hand catching his wrist.

"Can I tell you something...?" She asked with hesitation when he stopped and looked back at her.

"Is it going to take long?" He asked trying to seem as annoyed as he should have been and not delighted by her touch instead, "Because my parents sort of have this thing where they don't like me missing class."

She only frowned and he let out a sigh as he turned back towards her and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Go ahead. What is it?"

She looked more shy now than he'd ever seen her before and she dropped the cigarette she held to the ground. He took a step forward and stepped on it for her. Their closeness was unbearable and he pulled on Morty's door handle to open the door.

"Get in." He said and she nodded as she did what he said and crawled over the drivers seat to the passengers side. As soon as she was settled, he got in behind her.

With the slamming of the door closed he looked at her with a straight face, ready for whatever it was she had to throw at him. Here tey were again, in the front seat of his hearse like many times before. He tried not to think of the memories as he waited for Clare to speak. He was prepared for the worst. Horrible names, telling him how worthless he already knew he was. What else could she want after so long of not talking to him? She probably had just wanted to think of the best way to tear him down.

"I've always been a part of a really religious family." She began as she looked out the front window, "From the day I was born I've been going to church I've been taught all the things considered right and wrong. But lately, it seems like everything I've been told to know, has been contradicted. My sister loses her virginity before she's married because some creep took advantage of her without her even knowing. My parents are getting divorced and can't even be in the same room as each other without fighting. It just sort of feels like everything has been falling apart."

He listened to her words, watching as she messed with the hem of her skirt but avoiding eye contact with him. He knew the feeling, but he wasn't aware that she did too.

"I just... I'm sick of being this perfect little girl that I was raised to be. Why should I have to if no one else around me does?"

He didn't take his eyes off of her as she spoke. He was so afraid she would start to cry, and he didn't have the power in him to comfort her. Not if he wanted to stay strong.

"I'm not going to be. I like doing whatever I want. I like the rush of doing something I've been told not to do. If no one else is going to follow the rules than neither am I. Plus I... sort of like the way all of this makes me forget. It keeps me from thinking about the bad things around me and allows me to live in the moment instead." She finally looked up at him and Eli sighed. These things were all too familiar to him. He knew the want to forget, to ignore and to live in the moment without recollection of the past.

"You don't have to explain any of this to me." He said but she shook her head.

"I know I don't have to. But that's not even really what I wanted to say."

He turned his body a bit towards her and held her gaze with his own, "So what is it then? Just spit it out so we can both get on with our lives."

Being harsh with her in this moment felt wrong, but he couldn't help it. She took in a breath and let it out slowly.

"I was going to wait until marriage to have sex."

Her words caught him off guard a bit.

"Wait..." he began and his heart started to race, "_Was?_ What do you mean was?"

"Relax." She sighed, "I haven't done anything yet... thanks to you."

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"If you hadn't stopped us, I'm sure I wouldn't have either. And we would have had sex."

He was about to open his mouth and protest but he knew she was right. Everything about him screamed to sleep with her that night and he wasn't quite sure how he had stopped himself.

"But the truth is, I'm not so sure I want to wait anymore. It's just another thing I'd grown up thinking it was what we were all meant to do. But I don't want to wait anymore. I wanted to have sex with you and to be completely honest, I would have. But you stopped us and I'm happy you did, because I probably would have regreted it."

Her words stung him and he tried to keep it from showing.

"Well thanks for the news flash but I already know I'm something you would have regretted. I'm happy to know your brain is working fine still but I didn't really need your reassurance about that. You can leave now."

His words were venomous and his eyes shot daggers as he grabbed the handle and went to get out but her hand stopped him again.

"Please stop it. Your pity crap won't work on me. You know that's not what I meant."

"Really?" He asked, "Because the word regret pretty much speaks for itself."

She sighed, "I just meant that I knew I would regret it that night. I may not want to wait until I'm married but I sure as heck don't want my first time to be when I'm high on whatever in the back of your hearse."

He relaxed a bit then, letting go of the handle as he leaned back into the car seat and nodded. That much he truly understood.

"I wouldn't care to lose it to you..." he watched as her cheeks blushed a deep pink color, her eyes staring intensly at the car seat beneath them, "I just wanted to say... thank you. For stopping us. And I'm sorry I freaked out on you like I did. I couldn't really control my actions and to be honest I hardly remember a lot of anything."

He tried not to, but he couldn't help it as he felt himself grow angry. The blood in his veins ignited and burned as it moved through him and his heart started to beat quicker.

"So you waited a month to tell me this?" He asked, "You made me feel like a total asshole this whole time when in reality this is how you really felt?"

She pouted her lip out, "I didn't mean to make you feel that way! I was just so embarrased. I acted like a complete jerk. And over something so stupid. I thought... I thought talking to me was the last thing you'd want. And everytime I'd look at you in class you'd never be looking back. Everytime I saw you in the hallway I chickened out and walked the other way. I was so stupid and I'm so sorry."

"Are you serious?" He asked in utter disbelief.

"I was ashamed Eli!," she exclaimed, "Completely embarrased. What did you expect me to do?"

"How do you think I felt? You made me feel like a total jackass for not taking advantage of you!"

"I'm sorry! I just thought talking to me was the last thing you wanted to do! And as day after day past, it turned into a week and then weeks and here it's been almost a month..." she pouted and looked out the window, afraid to meet his eyes with her own in fear that his expression would make her feel worse.

He looked at her with a blank face, no emotion or reaction for the longest time and she finally looked back at him. Her heart raced fiercly in her chest but before she could say another word to break the uncomfortable silence, he began to laugh. It was a normal chuckle at first but the longer he continued to laugh the more loud and seemingly psychotic it became. His stomach began to ache as he pounded his hands against his steering wheel and huffed with continuous uproar of laughter that shook the car around them.

"Let me get this straight," he began as he finally calmed himself, "You thought I was avoiding you? You thought I would have a problem with you?"

She nodded but was shrunk back against the seat away from him and her lip trembled. She was actually afraid of how he was reacting and her hands clutched onto her legs as she tried to stay calm.

"You left me there. You told me to stop coming after you. You were pissed off at me for turning you away."

Again she nodded and her fingers found their way back to the hem of her skirt, playing with it nervously as she kept her breaths even.

"I took your advice Clare. I stopped chasing after you. No matter how badly I wanted to grab you in the hallway and tell you how stupid you were being. I watched from this very seat as you left school with scum of the earth guys day after day doing who knows what and didn't say a word ene though it killed me to let it happen. I fell back into my same routine. Caring about no one. Being no one. I'm nothing just as I've always been. Jesus, do you even realize how hard it's been for me to act like I don't give a shit about you? You've completely fucked up my life and you have no clue. You don't even care. But that's what you wanted right? Push your way into the bad guys life and prove that you're something to somebody. Get fucked up and fuck everyone else up in the process." He paused to wait for her reply but she didn't speak, so he continued.

"Shit, I mean I would have spent the last month in a drugged out coma if it weren't for my parents because truth be told you scare the shit out of me. I mean seriously, you do realize that I lost my exgirlfriend to the same things your trying to get yourself into right? She huffed and swallowed and inhaled anything she could before she drowned herself in the poisonous shit that you find so entertaining. The stuff you're doing because you're tired of being so good. You want to prove to mommy and daddy and whoever else that you can be big, bad and angsty. What you don't realize is that this is my life! This shit is my prison and there's no way out for me. You can walk away right now and save yourself. You can get out and pray to the God that you believe in and that I don't that some stranger won't find you dead in a ditch someday somewhere when you finally get the escape you've been begging for for the past year of your life! I can't do that! I am stuck to this fucking shit of an existance and you are the one good thing that has come into my life since the day Julia died. You are the one bit of color that has broken into my black and white world and you are destorying yourself. You are destorying something that I have grown to love and you don't deserve that right! You can't destroy something that I love. I do that well enough on my own so if you think that you're going to become a part of my world then you're wrong. Because I'd rather spend the rest of my life without you than have to go through ever having to lose you."

Clare didn't speak a word as he gave this speech. She didn't say a word as she watched his eyes fill with tears that he refused to let fall. His hands were gripped so tight on the steering wheel that his knuckles burned white and it pained him to peel them away. He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes for a few seconds to collect himself before he shoved the door open and climbed out of the car. He picked his backpack up off of the ground and slammed the door shut again behind him but looked back at Clare through the open window.

"So you think about that the next time you decide to ignore me because you're embarrassed. The least you could do is ignore me for your own good."

And then with that he turned and left back for the school leaving Clare completely stunned in the seat where she sat while for the first time instead, he was the one walking away.


	15. Chokechain

_Tick, tick, tick..._

The clock of Clare's last class of the day ticked antagonizingly slow as it approached the final bell. She wasn't sure how she had even made it to the class when she really only felt like breaking down. Eli had left her there in his car and she watched as he walked away from her without even glancing back. It was weird being on the other side of things. Usually it was her walking away and that thought made her feel even worse. Because she had gone so long on the thought that she had some sort of power over him. Some force that kept him from pushing her away completely but here she was doing that job on her own. She had been completely horrible to Eli. But hadn't he been just as bad as her? He'd judged her from the very beginning and made it so hard for her to even be a part of his life though she wanted to be desperately. She had cried against the leather interior of his front seat for what seemed like forever once he'd left, missing an entire class before she found the strength to get out. She didn't want to be there if he had showed up again and she was sure he wouldn't have wanted her to be either. The way he'd looked at her through the window before walking away had sent a chill straight down her spine. He had never looked at her in that way before. It was a glare full of disgust and she felt her stomach drop at the thought. She felt like she could feel him slipping through her fingers. As if the past month hadn't been bad enough. Always wondering whether she should break the silence but too afraid of his rejection if she did. She didn't want to admit it but she liked him way more than she had originally planned to. Somehow, despite all the mixed up moments they'd had, he made her feel like things were going to be okay. He made her feel like someone actually cared which wasn't a feeling she was used to these recent days. She wasn't exactly the best judge of character but she felt like finding Eli was a happy accident. That was up until that afternoon when he'd made her feel so terrible, though she couldn't deny that she felt like she sort of deserved it.

Now as she sat in the cold seat of her final class she was both eager for the bell to ring and dreading it at the same time. It signaled her freedom, giving her the chance to go home and be alone with her thoughts but she knew that it also signaled an oncoming annoyance. She knew that the moment she exited the door without fail that one of the boys she had filled the past weeks of her life with would be there waiting.

She wasn't sure at first why she had started to hang out with them. They were vulgar and rude and treated her more like a piece of meat than anything else. They were far different than Eli was in a lot of different ways. They lived the sort of life she wanted to live but they were incredibly careless. They had no boundaries or feelings for anything at all. To them it was all fun and games. They didn't respect anything, especially not her and they didn't care at all, that much was obvious. She knew now though why she had let them into her life. She wanted to make Eli jealous. She hung out with them in the hopes that he would see and save her from them. She wanted him to catch them doing something, treating her badly in some way just so he would show that he cared. But he hadn't, and she was stuck with the company of them and didn't know how to get away.

The bell finally rang, breaking her from her concentrated thoughts and she took her time collecting her things. Sure enough as she was the last one to exit the room, Owen leaned against the lockers outside the door waiting for her.

"Hey there hot stuff." He crooned as he let his hand slip around her waist, "Miss me?"

"Sure." She smiled uncomfortably as she placed her hand against his chest to push him away from her.

"God, you're such a tease." He groaned as he followed her to her locker and stood way too close as she opened it and put her things back inside. It wasn't that she thought Owen was a bad person, it was just that he never knew when enough was enough. Somehow he always managed to pass too much and never knew he'd hit that point. He was nice to Clare, for all extensive purposes but he knew just want to say to sound incredibly sexist and just how to push her buttons. If it hadn't been for those facts she might have been able to actually think of him as a friend but he was plagued with the Foot In Mouth disease and it was an annoyance she was having trouble putting up with.

"Where's your sidekick?" She asked as she looked around for his usual companion and best friend.

"Who, Julian?" He asked and shrugged, "No clue, I think he's trying to pick up on some freshman girl. He got her number but she's playing harder to get than even you."

Clare rolled her eyes as she turned away but Owen stopped her by grabbing her hand, "What's wrong? You know you're number one on my list." He purred into her ear as he kissed the side of her head but she yanked away.

"Save it Owen, I really couldn't care less."

He smirked as he watched her walk away but hurried after her before she had any time to get away.

"Someone's feisty. Did you get a B in class instead of an A or something?" He teased and it caused Clare to glare at him. She had thought her annoyance couldn't get worse but apparently she was wrong.

"No, I just don't have the patience to deal with your dog like qualities today."

She pushed the doors to the school open, continuing to walk as if he wasn't trailing behind her and she clutched her purse close to her side as the windy day blew around her.

"Woof woof baby." He chuckled, "I'm just trying to get a little tail."

She rolled her eyes another time at his idea of a joke and continued to walk towards the bus to go home as she let out a deep sigh. Just as she did though, the flash of Eli's car door closing across the parking lot caught her eyes. She watched as he slid into his seat and she could swear she saw him watching them from his rear view mirror. Something similar to a rush filled her and she chewed the corner of her lip. She didn't know why she did it, but something inside of her snapped as she stopped and turned back towards Owen who abruptly stopped just as she did.

"On second thought," she began as she placed her hand to his chest, "I'm feeling much better. I guess I'm just stressed out from so much school work. What do you say we have a little fun? I think I need some."

The words felt wrong as did the action but Owen didn't notice and smirked, "I'm all about having fun."

Clare let out a nervous chuckle, "Good. Think we could get a bottle of something... to calm my nerves?"

"I can think of a million better ways to calm them." He let his hands set on her arms and rubbed down them slowly causing small bumps to spread on the surface of her skin.

"I'm sure you could," she tried to mask how uncomfortable she felt with a laugh, "But I'm feeling really thirsty all of a sudden. Plus it's the weekend. Why not have some real fun? Say... a party at your house?"

She knew his parents would be out for the weekend. He'd made it a mission to make it clear and mention it to her every chance that he had got, so she felt like it was the perfect opportunity.

"Sounds like a party." He smirked.

"Good." She said, "Spread the news."

She turned then from him and continued to walk but didn't fail to flash a smirk in Eli's direction. She may have imagined it but it seemed like he glared before starting his car and then speeding out of the parking lot. Her face fell. Why had she done that? She wasn't sure of the answer but she felt her stomach turn as the previous events replayed in her head. She wasn't this girl. The girl who tried to make the boy jealous in an attempt to win him over and she was more than sure that he wasn't the kind of guy that fell for it. But she couldn't help but hope even slightly that maybe it may work. His words in the car had hurt her, and this was her unjust retaliation. She felt her stomach churn another time but let out a confident sigh as his car disappeared from her sight. If he thought she only wanted to play for attention then she would play for all the attention in the world. With our without his help.

* * *

><p>By the end of the day everyone that went to Degrassi was buzzing about the party at Owen's house that night. Mass texts had been sent out along with posts on nearly every social networking site. You couldn't log onto Facerange without having news of it shoved in your face and quite frankly it was making Eli's anger rise. He had shut off his phone and done everything in his power not to chuck it against his wall but it was proving to be much harder than it should have been. Why was she doing this? Was she punishing him for speaking his mind or did she really just want to party with Owen? Both of the thoughts made acid rise in his throat and his head hurt from how hard he had been clenching his teeth the entire afternoon. Why was it so hard not to care? Under any other circumstances a party at Owen's house would have delighted him. All the escapes in the world would be there for him. Owen may have been scum of the earth to him but he knew how to throw a house party, Eli couldn't deny that. What really pissed him off was that he was contemplating not going just because he knew she was going to be there and he hated that. He hated thinking about seeing her in that atmosphere and having no control over it. Seeing her with Owen and having to watch her interact with him in a way he craved. He would have gone no questions asked otherwise. So now the question was, would he let it stop him from going this time? He growled at the thought as he laid in his front yard and looked up at the stars that filled the night's sky. He had filled a soda bottle with a little bit of everything in his parents liquor cabinet the moment he arrived home and realized they weren't there. It was just enough so that they wouldn't notice any was gone but enough to keep his head light throughout the night. They had started watching it lately, he knew that but it didn't stop him from stealing from it. He was beginning to think that stealing his own bottle from the store would be a lot less hassle and a lot less stress on their hearts but he wasn't sure he was willing to risk getting caught. The consequences would be a lot worse than just giving in and huffing the can of air for dusting the computer as a last resort. He felt like if he was really lucky it would kill all of his brain cells and put him out of his own misery but he hated the bitter taste more than anything. Give him the burning alcohol over that bitter crap any day.<p>

He let his fingers dig into the grass as he brought the bottle to his lips, careful not to spill it all over himself and took another sip. It was a cool night, the sky was clear and he could easily see every bright star in the sky. He tried to block out memories he'd shared with Julia looking up at them. The way she would make wishes on them but never tell...

_"If I tell you it won't come true." She had giggled. He loved the way her voice sounded like bells when she laughed. It was his favorite sound... well maybe besides her quiet moans._

_"I won't tell." He said, resting his hands behind his head to keep it propped up. She had said that to her the stars were the most beautiful things in the world. He had to fight to keep his mouth shut because he wanted very much to protest and say that she was. He had trouble just keeping his eyes off of her, especially in the moonlight. Her skin was like light silk as she laid beneath the stars._

_"Doesn't matter." She said, turning to face him. Her smile left him breathless and he almost opted out on the star gazing for a much more beneficial activity. Kissing her was all he ever wanted to do, but he knew how much she enjoyed watching for shooting stars._

_"Your wishes are my wishes." He reminded her with a grin as he moved his arms and took her hand in his, "Whatever you want, I want the same."_

_She laced their fingers together and squeezed lightly, "Are they though?"_

_He had been confused by her question._

_"Do you want a house in the country? Marriage and kids? Holidays spent with the family and growing old together sitting on the front porch while we watch our grandchildren grow?"_

_He thought about her words for a second and then nodded, "I want all of those things, with you. As long as I'm with you I don't care what we do."_

_She was quiet for a long moment only looking at the sky, her eyes twinkling like the stars above them._

_"That's not what I want, Eli." She spoke without a change in emotion, "I don't know what I want."_

_He didn't moved his eyes from her once but her words made his expression fall slightly._

_"Well it doesn't matter right? As long as we're together."_

_She finally looked back at him as he spoke and after a moment she smiled. There was something off about her smile but she didn't leave him time to over think it as she pressed her lips to his. There wasn't much more thinking being done after that._

He hadn't thought about it then but he could see now why her smile had felt off. It hadn't been true. It was half hearted and he could see now, was a way to end the conversation. He could see now that it hadn't meant as much to her as it did to him. Because Julia didn't think about the future. In her mind, she didn't have one.

The thought brought bile to his throat but he washed it down with another chug of the alcoholic mixture in the bottle. It wasn't until he saw headlights that he looked up and realized his dad's car was pulling into the driveway. He chugged as much of the drink as he could and then pushed himself up into the sitting position. He then tossed the bottle away from him as he swallowed a few times and tried to stop his head from spinning. With the clearing of his throat he managed to steady his vision well enough to see his dad standing above him with his hand stretched out. Eli took it with his own and stood up, stumbling a bit as he did so.

"Liquor cabinet?" He asked him with a sigh and Eli didn't even say a word as his dad helped him steadily back into the house.

"We really need to get a better lock for that thing." He said as he sat Eli carefully down on the couch and then took off his coat.

"I'd just pick it." He didn't even try to lie as he fell back against the cushions. What was the point?

"I don't doubt that." His dad let out a comforting chuckle as he looked down at his mess of a son laying before him.

"Where's mom?" Eli asked with his eyes closed. He couldn't bare the spinning room or disapproving look from his father.

"I convinced her to stay with your aunt tonight." He said and took a seat next to Eli on the ground in front of the sofa, "You know son, you're really causing her a lot of stress lately. All of this drinking and acting out. It's not good for her."

Eli didn't speak. The entire living room smelled like booze and again his dad sighed. His disapproving sighs were really killing Eli. As if he needed more of a reminder about what a failure he was.

"I don't know what's going on Eli..." he began hesitantly, "but none of this can be worth it. Ever since... ever since we lost Julia..."

"I lost Julia." Eli slurred, cutting him off to correct him.

"Damnit Eli, don't be so selfish! You weren't the only one who loved her. I get that losing someone sucks but none of this is worth it. She died, and all the alcohol in the world won't bring her back. I tired of this. I'm tired of you punishing yourself. I'm tired of you punishing your mom and I. There's nothing any of us could have done."

The way his father raised his voice caught Eli off guard. His dad was such a happy go lucky guy and you hardly ever saw him stern like he was being right now. He finally opened his eyes and looked at him in disbelief and the moment he did he could feel himself grow queasy.

"Wake up son. Stop ruining yourself like this. Stop chasing something you can never get back."

But Eli shook his head.

"That's not it..." he mumbled, "It's... more than that."

"What is?" Bullfrog asked curiously, "Is it another girl? Because the only thing I can think of that could cause this much of a problem is a woman."

Eli nodded, it was all he could manage to do not to throw up as he rested his hands on his stomach. Again, his dad let out a sigh and Eli grinded his teeth.

"You know, I figured as much. Because for a while you seemed, I don't know... better. And I know from personal experience that a woman is the only thing that can fix you and screw you up all at once so quickly."

Eli didn't say a word. He only shook his head slightly.

"I guess my only question to you is whether or not she's worth it. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my son over this. I will move you clear across the country if that's what it takes. It's my job to protect this family, you and your mom, and I will do anything I have to to do that."

Something about his words woke something in Eli that all the alcohol in the world couldn't stifle. The need to protect the ones he loved. He had sat idly by and watched as Julia became depressed and killed herself and he did nothing about it. He had failed at his job to protect her when he should have done everything in his power to make sure she was okay. He wasn't going to let that happen again. He knew that despite his efforts he'd grown to love the blue eyed girl who tormented him and he wasn't about to fail at protecting her. It was like an uncontrollable urge. He was going to make sure she was okay. Even if she wanted nothing to do with him ever again, the least he could do was make sure she was at least okay. If she wanted to try and make him jealous then it was her choice but he could go to that party and keep and eye on her to make sure she was safe.

He managed to push himself up into the sitting position and held his head in his hands as he longed for the spinning to stop.

"I don't know..." he began as the world spun wildly around him, "But something in me won't let me give up until I find out."

* * *

><p><em>Why the hell did the spider crawl up the water spout? He couldn't have possibly thought there was anything up there for him. Did he do it for the grueling agony of making the journey? Imagine how badly he ached when he reached the top. And you have to wonder if he knew that once he reached the top he'd be drowned by the rain, crashing down against him. Rain is a lot for a little spider, sometimes something so small can't take it. And even if he did live through it and dry out with the sun... why would he make the same mistake again?<em>

Eli felt like a fool as he approached the house. He wasn't sure why. He'd been there millions of times before. There were no bad feelings between him and Owen and as far as he was concerned, that still stood. They were cool with each other. As cool as two people who never really spoke could be. They respected each other and Eli respected that his parents knew good liquor, among other things. Also, it wasn't like he hadn't been invited. The entire school practically had been so there was no reason for him to feel like he wasn't meant to be there. He had just as much right as any other partier that decided to show up. But why then, as he approached the house that shook with a loud bass of music blasting inside, did he feel like it was the last place he should be? He tried to shake the feeling as he pushed his way in past his fellow Degrassi students that had decided to come as well. Some of them seemed to already be out of their mind, probably had started the party before it even officially started. Not that these things really had timing. Eli himself was still feeling the buzz of the alcohol he'd downed before he had decided to go. It was wearing now, but it didn't stop him from stumbling his way through the loud house. Person after person filled the place, their laughter and continuous conversations filled the air, trying to be heard over the music making the place even louder than usual. Eli grabbed his own red cup from the kitchen and sipped the soda and booze mixture as he moved to the living room, all while keeping his eyes open for the one person he cared about being there. He had to admit though, as he moved through the room, that Owen's parents had good taste. It was a nice house. There wasn't much to explain how Owen had turned out so shitty. He hadn't come from a terrible home but Eli figured it was just mindless rebellion, like half the other people in their town. The thought reminded him of Clare and he pulled his eyes from the interior decoration to scan the faces in the crowd. As far as it seemed, she wasn't there. He let out a sigh of relief and thought that maybe she had decided against coming. Good, that would be the smart thing to do and he knew that deep down she was smarter than this. He finally felt the ability to relax as he took a bigger gulp of his cup's contents. If Clare wasn't going to be there, the least he could do is have some fun.

It wasn't until he had reached the bottom of his cup that he felt the couch shift beside him. Two girls had taken place on the other cushions, giggling together as they fell back. Eli shifted in his seat. Part of him felt slightly uncomfortable by their sudden closeness but another part of him sizzled at the thought. The closest to him, a blonde girl with deep brown eyes and light freckles, smiled at him as she fumbled with something in her hand. As she flashed the grin, Eli could feel the warmth of the alcohol spreading over him and smiled back. Such a familiar routine. He'd done it a million times and he knew how it ended. You could always count on girls at parties to be messed up out of their minds, and there wasn't much they wouldn't do for you with a little persuasion. For a few seconds their eye contact remained and finally she spoke.

"I'm Natalie." She grinned. Eli had never seen her before, but that wasn't too much of a shock. He never paid much attention to the people at school or around him.

"Eli." He replied with a nod. With their brief introduction he could feel her suddenly relax more against him. Her friend, a dirty blond with tanned skin had fallen into conversation with a young boy on the other side of them. He knew that would take care of her. As Far as Eli was concerned this girl would be his for the night and as the spinning of the rum and coke he had consumed set it, that's all that really mattered.

But was it? Was this girl worth taking for the night when he knew so desperately he'd only want it to be someone else? The thought blazed through him and he felt a sudden rage. When would this end? Why couldn't Clare just not matter to him. It would make his life a lot easier Hell, she wasn't even there and yet he couldn't settle enough to just have fun like he used to and forget her existence for one night. One night. It was all he asked for. Maybe this girl, milky skin and deep eyes masked by a red film that signaled she was already high beyond normal, maybe she could provide him with a night of forgetting. A night without any cares.

All of these thoughts had ran through his head in a matter of seconds and with a warmer smile he placed his arm around her shoulders.

"Natalie... that's a beautiful name." He purred into her ear and she giggled softly, a slight blush covering her cheeks.

"Why haven't I seen you around before?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Maybe you haven't been looking in the right places."

_Or at all… _he thought to himself but chuckled at her cute attempt of flirting.

"What a shame." He replied with a smirk.

Without another word, the girl named Natalie lifted her hand and again shook the object in it before him. For the first time that night Eli actually took a look at what it was. A small zip lock baggy filled with white powder. Cocaine. He wasn't a stranger to the powdery white substance. He'd done it a few times before, the first time being with Julia. She had wanted so badly to feel the rush that came with the drug but he had been so afraid that it would hurt her. So he did it first, making sure it would be okay. What he wasn't prepared for was the reaction it would have on him. It was the most euphoric high he'd ever experienced. The most exhilarating moment of his life. For the half hour that it lasted he felt like the most amazing physical being in the world. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt more amazing than he did then. Each time he'd sniffed the white powder it sent him into a high so intense that he never wanted to come down. That's what had worried him. When coming down it was as if it was all a lie. The incredible feeling, being happy. Suddenly he was thrusted back into his real life of bleak dreariness. Depressed and saddened that it ever had to end. Yet somehow, the few minutes that it lasted almost seemed worth it. It was a highly addictive drug. Once you were done, you only wanted more, more and more.

He continued to look down at the small baggy, fighting a personal battle in his head of whether or not he should want to do it, and then back to the eyes of the girl beside him who was still smiling and again she shook the small bag.

"You wanna?" She asked simply and Eli's heart shook. He did. It was obvious how badly he did. For the time it lasted he was sure to forget. To forget about everything that plagued his mind and that thought was the most appealing one yet. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, feeling his mouth water with the craving for the mind numbing high and just as he was about to give in, something caught his eye.

She looked beautiful, but that was nothing new. She only looked more beautiful than she usually did and that alone nearly stopped his heart. It was funny how every time he saw her it was as if he was seeing her again for the first time, and no buzz in the world could change that. Clare hadn't even noticed him as she entered the room, nor did she seem to notice Owen who was trailing closely behind her with a bottle of alcohol in each hand. She scanned the room but he ducked down, relieved when she didn't notice him and instead moved into the kitchen. Suddenly the girl beside him and her small bag of coke didn't seem to matter at all. What did matter was how closely Owen pressed his body to Clare and how it burned Eli's ears with anger. He looked back at the girl, shook his head and calmly declined her offer.

"No, sorry." He said, "Maybe some other time."

The springs of the couch squeaked with the relief of his weight as he pushed himself up.

"Let me know if you change your mind," she called out after him, "I'll be here."

He took her offer with a grain of salt while he moved through the bodies of people around him. They all wiggled around carelessly to the beat of the music. Some were against the walls, hidden in corners as they ravished their partners or shared foreign substances. All Eli cared about was getting to the kitchen through the slew of drunken people. When he finally got there he saw her, leaned against the counter beside Owen who was filling each of them two red cups. Their eyes locked briefly and Eli picked up a cup of his own, not daring to look away. Clare seemed to be having the same problem, watching him as he sipped the cup's contents and then took her own from Owen. It shouldn't have bothered Eli, but the way Owen stood protectively beside her ignited his rage. He tried his hardest not to crush the cup in his hands as he held her gaze. The two of them stood there, downing their drinks as they looked into each others eyes, not even stopping for air. Eli tilted his cup back to quicken the consumption and Clare did the same. His heart raced as his stomach filled and when he finished he watched as Owen whispered something into the girl's ear and then walked away. There she stood before him alone, cup now empty and he contemplated whether or not he should erase the space between them. Before he could even decide on whether or not he would, he was already crossing the room, making his was towards her.

"Impressive." He said as he stopped in front of her, watching as she sat the cup on the counter. She looked up at him with weary eyes and nibbled on the inside of her cheek as she assessed his mood.

"Yeah, you get used to the taste." She replied and with a nod, he agreed.

"That you do."

It felt slightly awkward, standing their by her when the last time they'd spoken earlier that day he had been telling her off. Now here she was with a different guy at his party and all Eli really wanted to do was to get her away. Bribe her, force her, even drag her kicking and screaming from the house if it was what he had to do. But instead, he stayed calm. It was funny how quickly things could change. Only earlier than morning it had been practically a month since they'd last spoken and here he stood, looking into her eyes. They had a bipolar relationship, but a bigger part of him didn't want to mind.

"So..." he began as he grabbed one of the bottles beside them on the counter and refilled his cup, "You and Owen...?"

Clare's face fell into a glare and she rolled her eyes, "How is that any of your business?"

He lifted the cup to his mouth and shook his head, "It's not. I was just curious."

She wanted to snap back at him but he was being obnoxiously calm about it all.

"So you don't care?" She asked curiously with a lifted brow. It surprised her, and though she wouldn't admit it, it bothered her too. She wouldn't have even been there with the thick headed boy if she hadn't thought Eli would be completely against it.

"Would it matter if I did?" He asked and took a larger gulp than necessary, almost choking on it as he swallowed it down, "I mean you're gonna do what you want anyways, right?"

Clare's eyes narrowed but she nodded and then just as he did, she filled her own cup.

"It's funny how when we met you couldn't even stand the smell of that stuff let alone the taste, and yet here you are drinking it like it's water." He fought the urge to snatch the bottle away as he spoke, watching her fill her cup.

"The taste isn't important." She said without even looking up at him. She looked into the cup at the clear liquid and braced herself for the disgusting burn.

"It's the outcome." He finished her sentence and she nodded before taking a sip. She tried not to wince, to seem strong to the taste and then sat the cup back down.

"Exactly."

Eli tried to keep his cool but as she turned back to him and sighed and the smell of the booze fell from her lips his jaw clenched.

"What exactly is this all even going to prove?" He snapped finally and her eyes moved back up to his, "I mean let me guess. Your parents still think you're at Alli's. Does she even know you're here? And chances are they won't even see you until the side affects of this shit has worn off and they'll never even know about this party at all. So why?"

Clare scoffed, "Who cares? I mean seriously... what happened to you?" Her words were slow as she looked up at his face, now really noticing the dark circles beneath his eyes. They seemed to be permanent these days. A constant reminder of how badly he hated to sleep. But it wasn't only nightmares of the girl he once loved that haunted him anymore. It was his life, the one he was currently living. What would one more pill, one more sniff or a drink hurt? His life had toppled into a never ending gutter full of terror that made him afraid to even make a move, worried of the outcome it would create. He sat there watching her as he lifted his cup again and took another drink to keep himself calm, Clare merely sighed.

"One minute you're telling me off in Morty and the next minute you're worried about me. You flip back and forth worse than anyone I've ever met before and it's really starting to give me whiplash. It really sucks. I mean, you used to be so confident, so sure of yourself. That was the boy that intrigued me. That was who I wanted to know. The fun one. The life of the party. But now you're just... a never ending pity party instead."

Eli's eyes narrowed at her. Who was she to judge him? She came into his life with this vision of how she saw him, it wasn't his fault that he hadn't lived up to it.

"Things change," he replied, "People change."

"That may be true," she began, "but your change wasn't sure as hell wasn't for the better. All of this... it's about the fun Eli! It's about having fun and I think you used to know that at one time. Seriously, you need to lighten up."

Lighten up. Her words of advice to him was to lighten up. For some reason it bothered him probably more than it should have but he knew she was right. He had no real right or reason to care about her motives so he let out a quiet sigh and backed down.

"Right. Lighten up. Sure thing." He seethed as he saw Owen come back into the room and took it as his cue to leave, "I'll see you around, have fun with your new little guard dog."

He turned then and took his cup with him, not bothering to look back at her though the act felt wrong. Leaving her there with him to fend for herself made him feel like crap, but she was right. He needed to lighten up and he knew the perfect way to do that.

He made his way back to the living room, back to the couch he had sat at just moments before and to his immense pleasure the girl, Natalie, was still there. It was as if she was waiting for him. Like this moment was set in time. With a successful fake smile he sat down beside her and it relieved him to see her smiling too, welcoming him back. With a smirk, he brushed her hair from her face and behind her ear before he whispered softly into it.

"You still want to make good on that offer?"


	16. I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby

**Sorry for such a delayed chapter, I've been sort of having a bit of trouble trying to figure out how I'm going to end this story. I know the past few chapters have sort of been fillers and repetitive in their draw out (here's looking at you negative review ;]) but I assure you that they're necessary for the build up of what's to come. I've had the ending of this written out for months, but I've been having a hard time trying to fill in the blanks between here and there but worry no further, we're down to the final chapters. If not two or three more until the final end. Thanks to those of you who have stuck around even when this hasn't been so interesting. I've managed to keep up with this story the longest, seeing it out to the end because of all the positive feedback I've gotten. You guys are great and I'm just happy that any of you have stuck along or even showed the slightest interest in my writing when I know sometimes it can be dull :P  
>So again, thank you. I hope this doesn't disappoint.<strong>

* * *

><p>Eli could feel it the moment it reached his brain. The electric buzzing current the drug created raced through his veins, igniting him like a fire filled with unending power. The rush was like nothing he'd ever felt before, affecting him far more than anything he'd ever taken prior to this moment. For the first time in months he felt fully alive, racing with immense possibilities. He could hardly think long enough about one thing to focus on it completely and instead every thought and feeling his body could hold bound together into one and this all happened in the first few seconds of sniffing the white powdery substance.<p>

Cocaine was a funny thing to Eli. Such a careful process, a quick sniff and then an almost instant overwhelming high. Maybe it wasn't a funny thing as much as it was an interesting one. Though everything in that moment seemed interesting to him so much that he could hardly focus on one thing. The second the girl had spilled the small baggy on the table his heart had began to race at the thought. He was really going to do it, to gain the kind of high he'd been begging for for so long. His palms began to sweat from the thought as he watched her prepare it and then again as she smiled eagerly back at him. He could see the same hope he felt, looking back at him from her eyes. There was a twinkle there, one that screamed _soon_ and he could feel it pressing down on him. They both leaned forward and inhaled the powder from the living room table, sniffing it directly to their brains and Eli fell back against the cushion as he waited for the high to attack him. He didn't care where he was or what was going on around him. For all he cared, another world war could have broken out and been full force around him. A zombie apocalypse, a total riot that destroyed the very foundation he stood on. All of these things could be happening around him and he wouldn't have cared. He didn't care about the few eyes that fell on him from around the room. He's take the whisperers and the rumors to come. All that mattered to him was the few moments he'd gain from the drug, the few moments he'd get to be free. He begged for it, anticipating it to come and when it did, it didn't disappoint.

His mind raced and his head felt numb in a good way. Empty and light. He wanted to concentrate on nothing and everything all at the same time and somehow his head felt as if it had the ability to do both. He felt superior to the people around him and suddenly he wasn't sure what he was doing there. The logical part of his brain knew that he was no better than the accumulated scum around him but for some reason he felt invincible. Suddenly the girl beside him no longer had a name, but she didn't need one. Names were irrelevant. Everyone was really just the same person, living in different bodies, right? All wanting the same thing but living for different reasons. The only thing separating the good from the bad. He was bad, he knew he was bad. Every bone in his body told him that, but why did it matter how bad you were when you felt so good? And the one thing that filled the more dominant part of his mind was how badly he wanted to make this unnamed girl feel good and to feel good in return. His nose burned and he sniffed as he turned to look at her, smiling as their eyes met. He wanted to say something but too many words came to his mind at once, so instead he acted on impulse. His hands found her at the same time hers found him and instantly they were connected at the lips. She tasted good to him and he moved his fingers to the warm skin of her waist, desperate to feel more. Somehow he felt like he could experience every part of her at once and even if he couldn't he was determined to. They sat there for what seemed like only a second before her hand found it's way to his lap. There it was, that same familiar lusting ache. He wanted this unnamed girl as badly as it seemed she wanted him and the way she rubbed her hands against him only furthered this longing. He pushed himself up from the couch, delighted by his sudden speed and took her hand, pulling her from the spot. They had made it halfway up the stairs before he pressed her against the wall and began kissing her again, moving his lips to his neck and back up to her jaw kissing anything he could. He couldn't seem to stop himself long enough between periods of list. Who was this unnamed girl to him other than a decent one night stand in the making? No feelings, no thoughts. Just meaningless pleasure. He felt guilty kissing her now as his mind found the nerve to think and he pulled back, continuing to drag her up the stairs to find an empty bedroom to take his built up frustration out on her. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel anything other than good. He tried to remember then what her name had been. Natasha? No, that didn't seem right but the honest truth was that he didn't care. They'd be too overwhelmed with pleasure to care about names in a moment. He'd make it so her ability to form tangible sentences at all would be lost behind her muffled screams and moans. This was what he was good at. Mindless sex with no feelings or relationships involved. Who cared what was going on in the world when you could lose yourself in overwhelming sensation? Nothing else really seemed to matter other than finding a place to fulfill the inevitable act. He saw it then, straight ahead. The perfect place. The door was closed and the light on the other side off. An empty room to take this blatantly intoxicated person, an empty room to finish his night. He hardly noticed that the girl with him was wobbling now, messed up beyond belief as he placed his hand to the cold door knob and pushed it open.

Three things happened in that moment.

The girl pulled her hand away as she leaned against the wall to keep herself up. If she had not found the necessary support she would have ended up on the floor, face flat down in the carpet.

Eli had turned on the room's light and he was suddenly aware that the room in fact wasn't very empty at all. Two other bodies occupied the in the bed before him was Clare, draped over her was Owen and his lips were terrorizing the skin of her neck. At first he thought maybe that Owen was forcing himself on her against her will and he could barely contain his anger, but then he was suddenly aware of the position of her hands on the buckle of his pants, paused in the midst of undoing it.

Through the high of the white drug he'd sniffed, he processed what was happening before either of the people on the bed had even noticed he was there. Clare's eyes broke from the boy pressed against hers and looked up, catching Eli's and they widened in horrific shock. Caught in the act. Eli's face fell blank and the world around him disappeared. The ground pulled away beneath him and his foundation crumbled to small pieces and though he didn't think possible in his high state of mind, he felt it. He felt the drop, the open gape beneath him that threatened to swallow him whole. The only thing left, the only thing holding him to the spot without giving the ability for him to drift away, was the scene in front of him and his heart which stopped in his chest. He wanted to rip it open, claw at it just to make sure it was still there but he could hardly find the will to move at all. He was like a deer caught in headlights, having lost the ability to function. It wasn't until Owen glared up at him that he pulled his eyes from the curly haired girl's.

"Do you mind?" His deep voiced growled and Eli's face twisted in anger. Just the sound of the dark haired boys words shot fury through him. The domineering tone, the way he spoke as if only annoyed that someone was interrupting his attempt at getting some. Glaring daggers at both of them, Eli turned from the room, ignoring the girl who was his previous engagement as he moved as fast as he could to get out of the house.

"Eli wait!" Clare called after him as she pushed Owen effortlessly from her body and slid from the bed.

"Whats going on?"Owen asked confused as he watched her hurry out the door and after Eli. She found it was hard to do with the alcohol that had taken her over, causing her mind to become fuzzy. Lost amongst the drunken people around, she tried to find her way out, almost terrified by the loud music blasting in the air and her inability to catch up to him. She finally found the front door and threw herself out it, calling out the dark haired boys name into the cold night.

"Eli please wait!" Her voice called out, filling the air around didn't listen, his pace didn't even slow as he hurried down the dark street, trying to ignore the small footprints that splashed the puddles on the sidewalk behind him.

"Damnit, would you just stop?" She yelled so loud it shook him and unwillingly he stopped.

The pain in her voice made it hard for him to ignore her even through the pain he felt in his chest. He turned to see her looking at him with a painful frown on her face, her shoulders slumped down defeated.

"No," he said, feeling anger rage through him, "You know what Clare? I'm done. I'm so done. I'm done feeling and caring about you when it's so obviously one sided. It's bullshit. I didn't sign up for this. I didn't want you."

His words seemed to hurt her even more.

"I'm sorry!"

"It's kind of too late for that," he spit out, "This… whatever it is… it's done. No more sorry's, no more anything. No matter how hard that may be for me..."

"It's hard for me too!" She cried, "I don't want this... I want you and I'm sorry. Please, it's the last time... I can't.. you can't..."

She didn't even feel the obvious problem, that here she was apologizing for something that didn't even seem fair to be apologizing about. He had turned her down, multiple times though he knew there was something holding them together. And though he had turned her down, pushed her away and made it evidently clear that he wanted to be left alone, she was apologizing as if she had cheated on him and the worst part was that the aching that filled her felt as if she had actually done had lost the ability to form full sentences through her tears and just as she'd began to sob, Owen came out of the house and hurried down the sidewalk.

"What's wrong Clare?" He asked, "Are you okay, what's going on?"

He tried to touch her but she shrugged away and Owen's eyes moved towards Eli.

"Really Clare?" Eli scoffed, "Of all the guys in the world you go for him? You really scraped the bottom of the barrel didn't you? Or was that all a part of your little game to make me care about you?"

"No!" She cried out again and Owen glared.

"What did you say?"

He glared, tightening his fists but Eli really didn't care. He longed for an altercation just so he could feel the gratitude of beating Owen for even touching Clare. He knew it was a fight he would lose but even one hit would feel good enough, he was sure of it. The desire burning inside of him as Clare grabbed Owen's arm.

"Just go away Owen!" She screamed at him and he almost had a look of fear on his face at her tone.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his eyes moving back to Eli. He was weary and Eli laughed. He was the last person he had to worry about Clare's safety with.

"Go." She demanded, "Now."

With one last glaring glance towards Eli, he sulked back off towards the house, but Eli was sure he would keep his eye on them. One wrong move and hell would break loose. An interesting thought. Instead he shook his head and turned away. It was all he could do, because seeing Clare crying and shivering in the cold was weakening his will power to walk away.

"Can we stop this?" She begged through the cold night air speaking only loud enough for him to hear her, "Please?"

Eli stopped again where he stood and turned back to her, the pain on her face was louder than ever and he felt it ripple through him. Moments before he had been filled with a tizzy high that had erased the world around him but now all it seemed to be doing was intensifying every feeling that he felt. He hated it, he hated seeing her or feeling how he felt or the fact that a perfectly good high had been ruined before it even had the chance to shine.

"Stop what?" He growled but her face was softening him by the second. He'd never seen her look so normal... so fragile.

"Walking away from each other."

Her voice was small but her eyes never broke from his.

"I'm tired of it. Our entire relationship or, whatever this is, up until this point has been either you or I walking away but I don't want to anymore."

Eli tried to stay calm but all he really wanted to do was scream. What was he supposed to say? I just saw you making out with some jackass on a bed, sorry I really don't want to stick around? Hey, I know you're not my girlfriend but the thought of you hooking up with someone else makes me want to vomit? Neither seemed like a good option so instead he spoke the first thing that came to his mind.

"I don't know how I'm even strong enough to walk away from you anymore."

His change in attitude was so fast he'd even given himself whiplash but he was tired and the high he had acquired was weakening even more with the cold. He watched as her lips parted, almost as if she was going to speak but a tear rolled down her cheek instead and she quickly wiped it away.

"I can't do this." he continued on, "Seeing you like that... with him. I'd rather just not be around. I may be able to walk away but I can't watch you like that all over someone else. Especially him. I'd rather walk away a million times than stick around for that."

"What's the big deal?" She finally choked out, "It's not like I'm yours! It's not like you're mine. And you're one to talk, why were you pulling that girl into the room for Eli? A nice chat I suppose? Don't act like you're so innocent!"

Eli scoffed, "What I do doesn't matter. You already know me, you know how I am. You know that me of all people, I'm not innocent. This is what I do. It's my fucked up life. But you... you're not like this! Hooking up with some random guy because he shows you affection? Come on Clare, that's low even for you. I am low. I never claimed not to me."

"There you go, judging me again like you always do. Why should it matter who I decide to hook up with? It shouldn't! I'm perfectly free to do what I want with who I want. In some twisted way, you chose this Eli!"

He snarled, clenching his fists to hold him calmly down.

"I chose this?" He asked in disbelief, "How on earth did I do that?"

"By pushing me away!" She exclaimed, "Because honestly, if not him then who? The more you push away, the less I'm going to push back and someday, I don't know when but it will be someone else. I don't want it to be anyone else! God, do you honestly think I'd even be here with Owen if it wasn't some sort of way to get attention from you?"

He felt his stomach drop. How could he have been so stupid just then? Of course it was just her way to get to him. Hadn't he known that from the beginning? Hadn't he guessed that? What was it about her that made him so stupid? That kept him from realizing the truth when it was right in front of him?

"I'm sorry." She choked, "You just... you walked away... and I didn't want it to be the last time."

"So a _'sorry Eli'_, that would have been too much for you? Sorry I've complicated your life so much. Sorry I've made it so that you can't go to sleep at night without thinking about me. Sorry I've made you care so much. Just a fucking sorry instead of this! Fuck Clare it's like no one else's feelings matter to you. It's all about what you want and how you feel."

Clare coughed out a cry and shook her head, "It wasn't like that! I wanted... I just... you wouldn't listen! If I had said sorry, you wouldn't have listened. You never do. I may not think about other people's feelings but neither do you! You think that you're the only one who has ever gone through something hard but you're not. I may not know pain like yours but you're not the only person who has ever lost someone. So stop acting so selfish!"

"Selfish?" Eli scoffed remembering how his father had told him the very same thing previously that day, "I am not selfish."

"You are!"

"You know what, I don't have to deal with this."

As Eli turned away, Clare clenched her fists and stomped her foot in anger. Her face was bright red as tears streamed down her cheeks. She wasn't sure what was making her so emotional but she couldn't help but feel like if she let him go this time, it would definitely be the last.

"Fine!" She yelled after him putting up her defenses, "Walk away! Go ahead. I don't know what I could have possibly done to make you hate me so much!"

She felt like curling up into a little ball, sitting there in the street until she couldn't any longer. Her knees began to tremble and she felt as if they would give out beneath her but she didn't move.

"Hate you?" Eli spoke in disbelief as he turned back towards her, "Clare, I don't hate you. Fuck, I could never hate you. I... I care too much about you, and that scares the shit out of me. Seriously don't you get that? I love you and I can't stop thinking that I'm going to do something to completely fuck it up."

She felt herself grow smaller, shrinking away from his stare as he took a few steps back towards her but her chest swelled with his mention of the word love. Had she even realized up until this point that this was how he felt?

"You aren't going to do anything." She reassured him as her heart beat accelerated.

"Really?" His eyes were watery now and his face dark, "Well who's to say that you won't do something? All of this crap about wanting to be rebellious and bad, what if you do something and something goes wrong?"

"It wouldn't be your fault, Eli, that's not up to you." She cried but he scoffed in return.

"Do you really think that matters? Do you think that if I lost you to the same shit that I lost Julia to that it wouldn't completely kill me?"

Clare stayed quiet. She hadn't thought about it in that way.

"You don't think Clare, not about anything but yourself. You just do what you want and fuck if it hurts those around you."

"Well I guess I'm sort of like you in that way."

They stayed silent staring each other down in the middle of the dark road. The damp night was taking it's toll on them, causing them both to shiver where they stood and Eli's fist tightened to keep them from shaking at his sides. What was it about this fragile girl that haunted him so much? Was it just that? That she was so fragile and he wanted to protect her? Was it because he hadn't had the chance to keep Julia safe so he was taking it out now on Clare? That he'd do anything he could to keep her safe to prove that he could, since he had failed the first time around? He wasn't sure. But what he was sure of was that in that moment, as she looked so small shivering in front of him, all he could think about was taking care of her and to make sure that for the rest of their lives, she would be safe.

He didn't know exactly what happened next or how it happened, but suddenly Clare's body was pressed against his. Their lips connected almost instantly and the cold stone his body had became, melted against her touch. She wrapped herself around him as her hands held his face and slid to his hair but all he could really focus on was the way her lips felt against his. Warm, sweet and delicate though forceful. There wasn't a thing in the world that either of them wanted more. All the anguish and lust and tension between them sifted through into a kiss they had both been waiting for and as their lips parted and Clare drew in a breath, something in him pulled back, her face full of shock and she bit her lip in embarrassment as she stepped away and her cheeks blushed.

"I'm so sorry." She apologized for attacking him but what she wasn't expecting to see was the urgent look on his face.

"Now you apologize." He murmured quickly, trying not to grin and his green eyes smoldered with his need as he took her hand, pulling her body back to his. He felt her shiver against his chest as he grabbed her face and his lips found hers moaned lightly against him as his hands slid to her waist and before he knew it, somehow they were back to Morty and nothing else seemed to matter. He wasn't sure if it was his sudden overhaul of lust or need or if he was just eager to get her away from the party but suddenly he was driving away from the house and back to his own more sober and alert than he had ever been. He'd never been one to care too much about driving under the influence but with Clare right beside him he made sure to be more careful than ever before. It was as if his mind had been completely taken over and the only thing that mattered was her. But hadn't it always been like that? Since the moment she came into his life he had little luck caring about anything else. He wanted to erase all of the bad memories, to completely destroy them and start all over. He wanted to rewind everything and create something with her worth while. To demolish the scene of her with Owen on the bed, to get rid of the short time he'd spent with the girl and her cocaine. To go back to that very first day he'd dared her to drink the alcohol in his car and stop it from happening. He knew that if he could go back in time he'd tell her then how much better than all of this she was. He'd tell her how beautiful she was and how nothing in the world could take the place of how she would someday make him feel. He wished he could talk her out of this life she wanted to live and somehow hopefully convince himself that he was good enough to get out of it with her. He wanted her, nothing else and in that moment she was all that seemed to matter. He would relive his worse day a thousand times if it meant he could keep her safe and from this horrible downfall he'd grown accustomed to. He felt his need for her grow and as he looked over at her while he drove closer to his house he knew she was feeling the same. Her eyes never left him and her hand never pulled from his own and though it was unsafe she sat as close to him as she could, kissing his jaw and neck and anything she could that would let him keep focus of his driving.

Some how, their previous fight lost all meaning as did any argument they'd had prior to that moment. All that mattered to him was her, and all that mattered to her was him. They were the only two people in the world and neither of them wanted anything more than they wanted the other.


	17. Set You Free

**(Sorry this is such a short chapter! It's just a small filler for the final chapter to come after this, I'll post it as soon as I can. Thanks to everyone for reading!)**

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><p>Eli's mind was empty, clouded in his indiscretions and the pale skin of the girl beside him. Her body pressed against his in a provocative way and he could feel himself growing aroused from the friction. He was used to the contact, it wasn't uncommon for him and Julia to end up on his bed at the end of the day, but never before had it seemed so real and completely nerve wrecking. Never before had they ended up in his bed with such minimal amount of clothes and such a substantial amount of action. He could feel his heart race, his palms sweaty as he bit his lip. For some reason he felt nervous but it was muted, stifled beneath the thick fog the drugs they had taken prior to the moment caused. Everything was hazy. Fingers, touching, kissing, rubbing. So many different things at once. It was all so muddled that it was hard to keep track over what body part belonged to who. All Eli knew was that his body was reacting in a significant way and there was only one thing he wanted, and Julia seemed to feel the same to want it wasn't sure when fully clothed turned into fully nude, or when kissing turned into heavy petting, or when virgin turned into non-virgin, but he did know, without the ability to think at all, that everything in that moment had changed. He also knew that from that moment on, nothing would be the same. In a heavy drugged filled haze, Eli had shared the only thing he ever fully had to share with Julia and it changed their relationship completely.<p>

It should have been the most incredible moment in his life. Better than any drug, any drink. It should have been something he would have never forgotten, but instead it turned it to something he wished he could remember at all. He'd been so messed up before hand that he hardly remembered a thing, blacking in and out during and only remembering foggy bits and pieces here and there afterwards. He'd taken Julia's virginity and given her his own, and he couldn't remember anything about it at all. All he did seem to remembered, was the unmistakable feeling of lust and pleasure, and the fact that Julia had cried once they were done. She had cried and cried, wouldn't let him touch her and left without even saying goodbye. It ripped him apart, and though he couldn't remember the first time, he would never forget how it felt when she'd walked away.

He thought it would ruin them, though he wasn't sure why. He was afraid that it would be the end, but instead Julia reacted in a way that he had never expected. She wanted more. Day after day all she wanted was sex. Everyday after that until the day she died had been filled only with her undying need for an escape. She had been the one that taught him to find it in drugs, and booze and sex. He learned it from the best. The reason he was how he was had been because she had taught him to be that way. All she ever wanted was salvation from the world whether it came in the form of a pill or mindless sex. Not that he minded, he was a normal teenage boy after all when it really came down to it but it had taken meaning from everything to him. Sex when from an emotional act and instead turned into an escape, a way to get lost from yourself and everything around you. Who could focus on the terrible feelings that gripped you and held you morbidly to the world when you were so filled with lust that it felt too good to feel bad? Julia had turned into something to him and it hadn't been until recently that he realized what it was. She was a parasite to him. She had nibbled so much from him, piece by piece until he was left with nothing. Afraid to feel, afraid to care. She had turned everything into something that it wasn't. Love, a burden. Sex an escape. Fear, a usual feeling. Sadness, comfort. Nothing had been right for him since she took her life.

He was mixed up, screwed up. all because the girl he had loved had been the did that mean for him? Was he doomed to always be messed up? He wasn't sure. But what he was sure of, was that the only thing that made him feel normal and sane, was in the very same position Julia had been the night everything had changed.

Clare's body pressed against his, breathing deeply as their lips moved together. He felt his heart race in the same familiar way, his palms grew clammy against her waist. He was nervous, but he had never been more alert in his entire life. It was a new feeling for him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been more focused than he was in that moment. Clare's heart beat against his chest, causing his to speed even more. Her lips were soft and tasted sweet. Her hands twisted through his hair while her body moved against his as they laid on his bed, twisted together. A thumping hearted, teenage mess. They had both screwed up so much in the time they'd known each other but with each second their lips stayed connected, the more their mistakes just washed away from their minds. It all meant nothing and all that seemed to matter was that somehow through the wreckage, they had fallen for each other harder than either of them had expected.

He was sure to be careful. Her small, soft body felt so fragile beside him but it was hard for him not to be rough. He wanted her, all of her. He moved his hands over her body, trying to take everything about her in but he couldn't help but think about how he wanted to spend his whole life doing so. He wanted to know everything about her. Every soft spot, freckle and birthmark. He wanted to kiss her again and again until they needed a break and then he wanted to start all over. If it was up to him, they'd never leave the room again. He had everything that he needed right in his arms. And he guessed she felt the same way, considering how she held him back, just as close. The way her finger intertwined with his hair, the way her legs wrapped around him, the way her breath quickened behind the kiss.

He wanted to believe that she felt the same, but did she? It was obvious that she cared but she had never said it. And he knew she had been drinking before hand. Was he unknowingly taking advantage of her? His heart beat faster now for a completely different reason as his stomach dropped and he broke the kiss. He pulled back and Clare's hands fell to his cheeks  
>But before he could say a word, before he could get out what he was thinking, she spoke the words that washed away his disbelief in an instant.<p>

"I love you." She whispered as if he'd merely pulled back for air. She tried to find his lips with hers again, but he nudged back and looked at her.

She was confused but for the first time in a long time, he let himself fully look at was beautiful. Her light skin gleamed in the moonlight from the window by his bed. Her blue eyes pierced through him and he felt a chill that had nothing to do with the cold night's air. Her curls were a mess on her head, falling in her face without a care and he felt overwhelming admiration for her. Still looking at her, he pressed his lips back to hers, kissing her more fiercely this time.

"I love you too.' He whispered as he rolled her over and kissed her with all the passion his body could produce.

He could feel it trying to creep in. The anxiety and fear, the lonely unworthy feeling. It crawled beneath his skin and coiled in his stomach, ready to spring. He tried to focus on the girl in his arms and now the feeling of heat that spread across the surface of his skin. He wasn't going to let his feelings do this, he wasn't going to let his emotions get the best of him. He didn't want to feel or think, or care about anything at all except for the girl that he had somehow grown to love. Through the drugs, and the intoxication, he had somehow managed to fall in love with Clare Edwards. As much as he tried to keep his feelings at bay, this one somehow creeped in and for the first time in a long time, he didn't care. He wanted to love her. He wanted to believe that he deserved her but in that moment he was dangerously close to having that feeling torn away.

How could he possibly deserve her? He was sure that he didn't but she didn't seem to care. She kissed him without a care in the world and it made him wish that he could be as carefree. He wanted her, whether he deserved her or not but he knew that he had to be better than this.

But what if this wasn't what she wanted? What if she still just had it in her mind that she wanted to rebel, get back at the world somehow and Eli was the easiest way to do it? Have sex with the town junkie, fuck the goth kid with the hearse. No one would ever look at her the same again once that got out. His heart spazmed in his chest at the thought. He wasn't sure if it was the thought of her using him, or sleeping with Clare that caused it.

She pushed him back against the bed and in seconds she was straddling him from above. A smile curled on her lips as she looked down at him and he lifted his hand, brushing the skin of her cheek softly with his fingers. He watched as she placed her own hands to her shirt and began to take it off.

"Are… are you sure you want to do this?" He asked in a whisper as he touched her hands to stop her. His heart was racing and he could tell that hers was too, not to mention how quickly her breathing seemed to pick up. For a minute he wondered if he had just made a mistake. Never ask the girl if it's what she really wants, because it always gives her that short amount of time to change her mind. But this wasn't just any girl, and a part of him was hoping she actually would change shook her head and pushed his hair from his eyes as she leaned closer and looked into them.

"There's nothing in this world that I want more."

His breath caught in his throat as her fingers trailed down his jaw and he kissed her another time. She seemed confident in her decision, decided.

"You're so much more than you think. You're more to _me_ than you think."

But he shook his head, "No, I'm not. I mean look at you... I've helped changed your life poorly and now here I am trying to take your virtue."

Clare chuckled and spoke in a soft voice, "You're not taking it from me. I'm sharing it with you and as far as I've known, it's mine to share. Don't think of it as you taking it, think of it like... I've been saving it for you."

Eli felt a warmth in him grow and he let out a slight breath. There wasn't anything in this world that he dreamed of wanting more than he wanted this girl. He couldn't help but think in that moment that maybe, just maybe, this was how their lives were meant to go. He bit his lip and placed his hands on each side of her face, kissing her lips softly before he spoke.

"You saved me." He whispered the words quietly in response to her previous remark and his breath tickled her lips. There was no time for a reply then as he pressed his lips back to hers and kissed her again feverously, as if it was the last thing he would ever do.


	18. Bang Bang

Finally! The final chapter. I hope you guys like it. Thanks for sticking around until the end. I know it was a little rough in the middle but we made it! I really like this, so I'm hoping the rest of you do too. Enjoy :)

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><p><em>"I love you." a soft voice whispered, waking Eli from his slumber. A smile graced his lips for only a brief second before he realized that there was something off. Something didn't seem right. The voice that had whispered in his ear was not that of Clare's but that of Julia's. His eyes flashed open instantly, and the first thing he saw was her jet black hair. It fell in front of her face and tangled around his arm where her head laid. It fell across the pillow like the trees of a leafless tree, strangling the soft white material of the pillow case. His heart beat quickened as he pulled back and a gasp fell from his lips. The fabric where her head sat had been colored a brilliant red, stretching out towards him. He yanked back his arm only to find that it too had been covered in the warm red liquid. Shock only took him over more as he pulled back the blankets and watched what he recognized as blood spread out across the cover as if it was pouring out of her body, making it's way towards him fast. <em>There's too much._ He thought as his entire body froze with fear. He looked back at Julia, laying lifeless as the blood oozed around her still body. He choked, and just as it was about to reach him, threatening to cover him…_

Eli woke with a gasp. His body was warm and covered in a thin sheet of sweat but his breaths were quick like his heart.  
><em>It was only a nightmare.<em> He thought to himself. It had been a while since he'd last had one but he'd forgotten just how truly horrible they were. Somehow, he managed to catch his breath and as he did, he looked at Clare beside him. She was real, the dream hadn't been. He felt total relief as he rolled over to face her. The sun gleamed through the window, bathing them in sunlight as it hit their pale bodies, casting and ethereal glow. Eli studied the girl laying beside him. The way the sun made her skin shine stopped his heart. It was like an angel was laying beside him. And though his translucent milky skin cast the same soft glow, no one would ever have mistaken him for an angel. He had fallen a long time tried to fight back a yawn, afraid of any slight move that may have woken Clare but the natural urge won. Realizing then that she was in too deep a sleep to wake, he brought his fists to his face and rubbed his tired eyes. What makeup had been left over from the previous days smudged, darkening the circles around his eyes but he didn't care. The only thought on his mind at this point was the previous night. The thought creeped into his mind and stabbed away at his brain, getting a little deeper inch by inch until it struck him like an axe being swung at full he really been so stupid? He scanned his brain, playing the memory over and over again and felt a painful twinge in his chest. He was confused for the fact that his stomach twisted in agony though is heart soared and he felt like a complete idiot, but at the same time he couldn't remember ever feeling happier.

His chest thumped rapidly against his ribcage, soaring with glee and for the first time in a long time he felt completely alive. It was so clearly there in his chest, vibrant in it's happiness but his stomach didn't let up once from his guilty the cheerful feeling he so obviously felt, the sickening feeling topped it, winning over his mind in the case of right and and Clare had sex. There was no getting around that fact. He had stolen her innocence and now, she was bound to him stuck with him in whatever way was toxic for her health and he knew that. Either way he would end up hurting her, he knew that to be true and panic filled him at the thought. He had never wanted to hurt her. From the first time her brilliant blue eyes had met his, he knew that not one single atom in him could ever handle hurting her and yet it was all he seemed to do. Step after step he left a trail of havoc on her heart. He could feel his chest tighten and the lack of oxygen made his head light. Bile collected in his stomach, gurgling as it fought to rise in his throat as his self loathing took hated himself. There was no getting around that ever he had hated something so deeply that it filled every crack and crevice of him, this was it. He knew then instantly that he was a disgusting, pitiful excuse for a person and his hatred burned bright through him like a powerful house fire set ablaze. There was no stopping it, not even with all the man power in the could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so unbelievably careless?Here was this beautiful, sweet, kind and innocent girl and in one night he had destroyed everything he had been trying so desperately to save. How would she react? Would she hate him completely? He wasn't sure he could handle it, but he was almost sure it would be for the best. Maybe she would leave him then, and quit fighting to win her way back to him. For such a smart girl she had been so incredibly dumb in trusting him or even thinking she wanted anything to do with him. He was sure in one night, he had ruined her completely and her heart would never forgive there he was holding her in his couldn't bare the fact. He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve to even allow himself to feel a sliver of happiness over the fact that she was sleeping beside him or that he had never felt anything so passionate as he had the night before. His body ached with the sickly feeling and he could feel a dark heavy cloak settle over him. He felt as if he weighed a million pounds and all he wanted to do was fall into the sea, float to the bottom and stay there forever. He could never hurt anyone from down below. Maybe, he thought, that's how it was supposed to be all along. Maybe it was him that was meant to die that night, not Julia and now God was simply punishing him for escaping his fate. It seemed cruel, that he was now thinking of a God he didn't even believe in, though he did believe that if he existed that he would surely give this sort of inhumane punishment. His chest quacked, as did the rest of him and he was afraid his sudden convulsing would wake the tiny girl in his arms. But instead of waking, she rolled over with a small yawn and hugged herself around his chest.

He swallowed hard, trying to fight off his feeling of delight and instead punished himself with the indisputable facts.

Clare had been saving herself until marriage. He was sure of it, but to spite her parents she had given up on that. But deep down he knew that's what she really wanted. She wanted to wait until she had found someone she loved, and that would love her for the rest of their lives. Was he capable of that? He pondered the question for a few moments as he stared at his ceiling and fought off tears. He knew that he loved her. Nothing in the world was more true than that. She had become his everything in the short time they 'd known each other. He couldn't go a day without seeing a glimpse of the blue eyes he'd become so tragically addicted to. He couldn't think of life without hearing her voice or hearing her say his name, but somehow he knew it would be better for her if he never did again.

He was toxic to everything around him. He had fallen so deep into the abyss of this dark life and he was sure he would never resurface. As long as Clare was attached to him in any way possible, she was sure to sink just as he had. There was no hope for him, but there was certainly hope for her. Or at least there had been, until he had blown it all in one night of immeasurable pleasure.

Never in his life had he experienced anything even remotely close to how he had felt with Clare the night before. He could remember feeling in ways he'd never felt before and was sure he'd never feel again with anyone but her.

But how could he be so sure that he could stay with her forever? He couldn't even go a day without wanting to wash away all of his feelings, without wanting to escape from the world. So who was to say he would never want to escape from her? Who's to say he wouldn't drag her down so deep that she herself would never resurface again? What would he ever do if she ended up like Julia? The thought made him sick and he had to close his eyes tightly to fight off the feeling of nausea that swarmed over him. He couldn't do it. He refused to do this to her and even the slightest chance possible that he could made him physically sick.

So he thought of the only logical thing he could do.

For a moment he did nothing but watch her sleeping face. So calm and peaceful. It was hard to believe such a beautiful, gentle girl had caused so much trouble in his life. But what was harder for him to believe was that such a small person had effected him so deeply. Just a few months prior she had come into his life and completely turned it around without even really trying. He watched as she removed her body from his and rolled over. He watched even still as her back move up and down while she breathed slow and steady breaths. His chest ached for him to touch her, to caress her soft skin but he didn't dare. How could he allowed this to happen? He wasn't going to lie and say that the previous night wasn't one of the best he'd ever had. She was beautiful, perfect to him and so was the moment. Clare was perfect at everything and making love was no exception but he knew it didn't make it right. This was it for them. She would be stuck with him forever and in his eyes that was a fate worse than death. She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve to be stuck in his life. No matter how hard he tried he knew that he couldn't get away. He was stuck under this permanent dark blanket and she deserved better. He wouldn't let this happen to her. For a few seconds, as he looked at her smile beside him he thought about the concept that maybe they could be happy together. Maybe they could have a future that wasn't doomed like he thought. But for some reason the concept seemed unbelievable to him, completely unrealistic and unable to begged to fill is eyes, stinging them as he looked at her. It shouldn't be like that. He shouldn't feel this way after the previous night. It was everything he felt love should be, and yet he couldn't help but hate himself. He thought about how her life would be with him if he stuck around. He thought about her beautiful blue eyes shaded red, the dark circles that would grow beneath him. He thought about seeing her shake when she needed another fix, freaking out when she needed something in her system. It was all too familiar to his life. The thought killed him but what hurt worse was that he knew that was her future if she was stuck with him. He would never damn her to that. He would never allow such a young and beautiful girl to fall apart at his he brushed her hair from her face and whispered softly in her ear with a shaky voice and even shakier hands.

"I know it's terrifying to have your world fall apart around you. I know, I've been there but you'll make it through. You're one of the strongest people I've ever known in my life and if anyone can handle it... it's you."

Without thinking, tears fighting hard as possible to fall from his eyes, he pressed his lips lightly to her head. She only stirred slightly, nuzzling into the pillow with a smile before he whispered, "I love you."

An electric jolt shot thought his body as he slowly pushed himself from his bed, careful not to wake her with his movement.

He knew where it was. He knew how to do it and he knew that he could.

The walk down the hall from his room to his parents was the longest walk he'd ever taken in his life. Seconds seemed like minutes which seemed like hours as he took each step. The sound of his feet as they hit the carpet echoed through his mind, mixed with the sound of his breathing which grew faster and deeper with every inch he progressed. He closed his eyes, trying to hold the courage of what he was about to do. His eyes flickered open as he entered their room, his hand tightened around the cold door knob as he pushed the door gently open and made his way to the drawers that sat across from their king sized bed. Neither of them were home, both of them would have left early for work that day and they'd have no idea of what he was doing, what he was about to do. His moms smile flashed in his mind as he kneeled in front of the piece of wooden furniture. She was beautiful to him, one of the most beautiful woman in the entire world. Would she cry? He hated it when she cried. He always had. His fingers trembled as they ran across the golden handle and he clenched his jaw as he pulled the drawer open. Inside, behind his dad's clean socks and underwear, lay an old shoe box, tattered and dusty from the years it had laid in there untouched. He could make out the shape of finger prints on the lid of the box, covered only with a thinner sheet of dust. As he wiped the dust from the lid, he realized then that he hadn't been breathing and he let out a gust of air that he had been holding in since he'd entered the room. His heart was pounding in his head rapidly and he felt as if each beat was aiding him to move.

_Boom. _He grabbed the box.

_Boom_. He stood from the spot he kneeled in.

_Boom. _He turned for the bed.

_Boom. _He sat down.

With each boom his heart made, he moved one step closer to his destination. With each boom, his pace quickened just like the drumming in his chest. It wasn't that he hadn't thought about it before, because he had. It was a more constant thought to him than what he would be eating for dinner that day. The shimmering silver of the gun that laid inside the box flashed through his mind at least once every single day but he'd never had the courage to come this far. Not until this moment.

_Boom. _

He lifted the lid of the box and saw it. The gun his father had bought when he was younger after someone had broken into the house. The funny thing was, they hadn't actually stolen anything. His family hadn't even known that someone had entered the house until they woke that morning to find the front window broken and the living room thrashed. Pictures laid a strew on the floor, glass shattered across the carpet. Furniture had been turned over, thrust against the wall and scattered about where it hadn't started out but they had never found anything taken. Nothing expensive, nothing with meaning. Nothing at all. They had come in, made a mess of things and then left as if nothing had even happened.

"Why would someone had done such a thing?" His mom had asked as they examined the damage.

But Eli hadn't been worried about that. All he worried about was the fact that none of them had been hurt. Even at the young age of 7 years old, he cared more about his parents than anything else. What would they do once he was gone? Would they cry? How long would it take before they got over it? Would they ever get over it? Eli was their only son, but he wasn't much of a son. No, they had lost him a long time ago. Finishing himself off would only lessen the pain of a lost son they'd been morning now for far too long. He looked back down at the gun. It wasn't loaded but it didn't matter. He knew how to load a gun. It was something his dad had taught him at a young age. Countless hunting trips and the want to solidify his safety made sure of that. He loaded the bullets that had been sitting along side in the box into the gun. He wasn't sure if his heart had stopped or if it was beating so fast that he could no longer feel it. He wasn't scared. To be honest, he was anything but scared. In a sense, he felt relieved. Soon, the pain would stop. Soon the memories would stop, and the aching pain to go on in a life he didn't want to live anymore would stop. All he wanted, was for everything to stop and his key to that achievement was now in his hands, emitting a click that echoed throughout the room as he loaded a round into the chamber. One light pull of the trigger and everything would be over. In slow motion, he brought the gun to his head, pressing the barrel to his temple. But something didn't feel right. He didn't realize until that moment, that his body was shaking. Trembling with his actions and he felt almost nauseous as the cold metal touched his skin.

_Do it. _A voice in his had spoke, egging him on and he closed his eyes as his finger touched lightly to the trigger. But as he closed his eyes, visions flashed through his mind. His parents, the moment they entered the house, calling out his name they would know something was wrong when he didn't answer. The look on their faces when they entered their room and saw the body of their only son, his brains spattered across their white blanket and walls. His moms blood curdling scream. His dad, the strongest, bravest man he knew would cry. He'd never seen him cry before in his life, and to think that his death would bring upon something like that. The trauma it would cause them, countless sessions in therapy, the money it would cost to try and get over having to scrape their babies corpse from their room. Would he be able to see them from heaven? He chuckled at the thought. Heaven seemed like a nice idea, but he knew it wasn't what would be waiting for him on the other side. No, the act of taking his own life at all would be the deciding factor in that. But either way he knew that the pearly gates wouldn't be smiling wide open once the deed was done. But he'd lived long enough in his own personal hell to know that there wasn't anything that could be worse. He welcomed the thought of the flames that would lick him in greeting, the burning heat would be a warm welcome to the frozen limbo he had been calling his life. The trembling in his arm seemed to settle as he tightened his grip on the gun in his hand. He kept his eyes closed and bit his lip to calm his chattering teeth, trying to find the hidden courage to pull the trigger. Any minute now and it would all be over. He would be over, nothing more than a painful scratch in the memory of the people's life he'd managed to ruined.

_One._

He began to count, hoping it would be the initial start to the end.

_Two._

_Do it Eli, do it to numb the pain. Anything's better than the life you've failed to live._

_Three._

And then, as he thought the final number, her face flashed across in his mind, freezing him from finishing what he'd started. Her vibrant eyes looked right through him, staring him down as if she knew exactly what he was planning on doing. And then she smiled. Her warm, welcoming smile. And with her smile, he felt his body thaw. The frozen ridged feeling he'd felt for a year now faded quickly and he was a puddle of his former self. She was down the hall, sleeping in his bed. Sound asleep, safe from the horrible scene that was being played out where he sat. Would she hear the bang? Would it wake her? Would she hurry down the hall, scared and confused only to see the freshly painted red of his blood spattered around the room? The smoke would be billowing from the freshly fired gun and for the rest of her life she'd go on with that memory in her head. Would it haunt her with nightmares for however longer she walked the earth? Could he handle knowing that he had been the demise of the beautiful girl who now held his heart? The girl who now _completely _held his heart. Even sitting there barrel to his head, just the thought of her silky golden hair made his heart beat steady and again he was trembling.

_Just do it. Do it, don't let her stop you. She doesn't matter. You don't matter. Nothing matters and in a split second everything will be over._

But she _did_ matter.

In that moment, something happened. Eli decided that he wanted to live. Not just for himself, but for the beautiful girl who now stood before him.

Clare was in the doorway, her eyes wide with fear as she looked at the boy with the gun to his head. Her mouth had fallen open in shock and she was frozen to the spot.

"What are you doing?" She cried out painfully as she broke from the door way and hurried to his side. He lowered the gun from his head and slowly sat it back inside of the box, his body now shivering as she yanked it from him and slammed the lid back on tightly.

"I don't know." He cried, he could feel his stomach churning as he clenched his jaw and Clare sat the box on top of the dresser.

"Are you…" she began, breathless though she hadn't been running, "What were you…? How could you…? Eli! Why would you even…"

She couldn't seem to get her words out right, but neither could he. He was in shock of what had almost just happened, he was completely mortified at himself as he stared at the ground and felt the warm stream of tears wash over his face.

Part of him was thankful that she'd interrupted him, if she hadn't he was more than sure he'd be dead in that exact moment. But another part of him hated her for that very fact.

She turned quickly from the dresser and back to him, kneeling before him and placed her hands on each of his cheeks. Neither of them looked well. Dark circles decorated below their eyes, their skin a sickly pale color that wasn't of their own. But Clare's blue eyes were as radiant as ever and they sent a shiver down Eli's spine, and he lost it. All the pain and anguish and fear that had feeling him since the day Julia died fell out of him. He crumbled apart, letting himself feel every emotion he'd locked away and it came crashing out at full force and he began to cry harder than he had in a long time.

"I can't…I can't do this." he choked through his tears, his face red with his cries. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Instead he stared at the floor in front of him, "You're too good for me Clare."

She felt frozen with fear and her entire body shook with the pain she felt for the poor boy in front of her.

"Eli-"

"I'm not good… I'm not a good person. I don't deserve this… to be happy, I don't… I can't feel that… I can't feel happy…" He was coughing now, and sniffing and he hadn't cried as hard as he was in that moment since he was a little kid. Memories of being held in his mothers arms when he'd been hurt or scolded rushed over him. He felt helpless and empty and the darkness was crawling up on him fast.

"Eli, what are you talking about, you do deserve me." She choked back, trying to get him to look at her but his eyes were glued to the ground as he shook his head.

"I'm lethal. I'm like a virus. I'll only destroy you like I do everything else. You are the only good thing that's ever happened to me and I can't… I can't let myself do that to you. I can't hurt you!"

Clare placed her hands tighter to his cheeks, trying to force him to look at her as tears rolled down her own.

"Look at me!" she demanded, "Eli, please just look at me. Just calm down, calm down!"

He sniffed and sputtered, somehow calming himself enough to look her in her tear filled eyes.

"You have to stop this. You have to stop hurting yourself like this. Look at me, I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"You should!" he cried, "Get out while you can. I don't deserve you-"

"You're right. You don't deserve me. You deserve to be happy. Do I make you happy Eli?"

He grimaced as he nodded, "I can't…."

"Hey." she spoke firmly. She seemed so strong in that moment despite her tears, "Don't do this. Don't try and convince yourself that you don't deserve to be happy. Don't try and convince yourself that you don't deserve me because that isn't your choice. I want you. I want you, and you want me and life should be that simple!"

"But it's not." his eyes moved back to the box on the dressed and his body shook.

"It is." she moved her hands from his face and then took his hands in her own, "Look Eli, it is."

He looked back at her, silent.

"I'm here."

"And what about when you're not? What about when I drive you away, or drive you mad? I'll ruin you Clare, just like I ruined Julia."

"You didn't ruin her Eli, you both destroyed each other. The only difference is that you've gotten a second chance. You didn't kill her, she killed herself and you had nothing to do with it. You have to stop blaming yourself because… because…" She stopped, too choked up to continue but his eyes held hers desperately, waiting for her to continue. It took her a moment, but she finally found the small shrivel of strength to say what she needed to say.

"I can't keep walking in to you with the gun to your head. What do you expect me to do if the next time…if I come in too late? Why would you ever do that to me?"

He didn't speak.

"You'd do the same thing to me that Julia did to you?""It's different. You don't need me. You shouldn't have to carry this burden!"

"You would be putting the burden on me Eli. Because if I lost you right now… I would be just like how Julia left you… broken."

He stayed silent, his tears calmed but his heart still raced. He felt weak, but her hands held him there.

"I can't handle this…" he choked.

"You can Eli, I know you can. You're so much stronger than you think. You're so much stronger than the easy way out. I need you here. I love you."

Her words shook him. He looked back into her eyes and wished he could stop his own crying but there was no use.

"There's nothing for me anymore. I mean look at you... everything good that comes into my life, I ruin."

"Nothing left for you?" She asked softly, "What about me?"

He shook his head.

"You love me Eli, I know you do. You don't… share the sort of passion we shared last night without being completely in love."

Her words sent a spiraling feeling of loathing over him and he tried not to let the painful crushing feeling take him over.

"Do you know what I was thinking last night, while I was laying beside you listening to you breath?"

She watched him, knowing he wouldn't reply but he seemed to calm so she went on.

"I was wondering if you'd still love me in the morning."

He closed his eyes and pulled away but she held him there.

"But I didn't have to think long, because something in me told me that you would. You would still love me in the morning, and the next morning and the one after that. Just like I'll always feel the same for you. I don't want to wake up in the morning without you Eli, not anymore. Not ever again."

Without a single word, he pulled her into him and held her tightly against his body. She wrapped her arms around him just as tightly in return, holding him as if she was afraid to ever let go. He could feel her heart beat against him and something inside of his body changed in an instant. She had been right. He still loved her, even more so than he had the night before, and twice as more as the night before that. He wasn't sure now if he was able to ever not love the girl he was holding in his arms. She was his, and he was hers and nothing would ever change that. Not all the drugs or illegal substances in the world. Not even a bullet to the head.

He pressed his lips to hers and kissed her with enough passion to last them a lifetime, a lifetime he planned on living right at her side. He wasn't sure how or why it happened, but before either of them could say another word or make another move their lips were pressed together in a feverish kiss. He'd never kissed anyone like he kissed Clare in that moment. It was as if he couldn't get enough, as if he couldn't put enough energy into it and as if he never wanted it to end. His hands held her waste tightly, as if he loosened it she would float away but she didn't care. Because she was kissing him back just as hard. Before either of them knew it, he was leading her back down the hall and to his room, leaving the memory of what had just happened in the past.

If he was going to endure this shitty world, he was going to do it with her and do every single thing in his power to never hurt her ever again. They had walked away from each other for the last time and he would make sure of it. For the rest of their lives they'd walk side by side.

Because he loved her, and nothing had ever been, or would ever be, more true than that.

Eli spent that weekend in bed with Clare. Neither of them spoke a word of what had happened that morning. His parents never learned of it nor did they bother to two as they held each other in his room, not bothering to move from beneath the sheets if it wasn't completely necessary. They slept a good 32 hours without any fault. The heavy blankets on the windows helped them lose focus on time and Alli covered for Clare, saying she was staying with her. Randomly, Eli would wake up and gaze at the sleeping face of the girl beside him. He'd brush her hair from her face, admiring her beauty. He'd press his fingers to her chest, feeling her heart beat as a worried reminder that she was real. That she was there with him and she was in fact alive. She had saved his life and he couldn't decide yet whether he was grateful or bitter. But he didn't dwell on the thought, instead he took comfort in the feeling of her warm body against his and she held him as his body shook, convulsing with his withdrawals for the substances his body so desperately wanted. She held him through his sickness, through his cries and kissed him when he felt pain. He wanted to divulge back into the darkness that tugged at his feet but she held him above it and he loved her all the more.

She was real. They were real and his chest shook at the thought. The feeling caught him off guard. It was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Something unfamiliar but something his mind seemed to welcome. Even more, it was something it ached for. Something he hadn't felt in over a year of his currently numbed life. It was happiness. He tried to fight back the smile that graced his lips as he wrapped his arms around the girl on his chest. All the thoughts, all the feelings and pain and disaster his life had been was slowly fading away thanks to the girl that had saved him. His life may have been poison, but she had turned out to be his antidote. The warmth of happiness surrounded him, and for the first time in in a long time, he let himself feel it.


End file.
